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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

resentful widow

16 replies

mazcan · 21/05/2015 23:05

Hi all. My husband was an alcoholic and died three years ago aged 49. He left me with a young son who is now 11 and hitting puberty and being a normal pre teen, doesn't want to go to school etc etc and cries himself to sleep some nights. I feel so resentful of my husband as he has left me to deal with this and I've nowhere to turn but I feel guilty for the resentment. I haven't had a relationship since he died as I can't go through that anymore I just feel lost. I'm 44 have a good job and am very independent but feel life is passing me by. Any advice is welcomed. Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 21/05/2015 23:16

I'm so sorry you lost your husband.

Life is not fair really.

I'm a LP too, not through death but whatever

Thing is we just have to get on with it....

Did you have bereavement counselling for you or your DS?

Snoozybird · 21/05/2015 23:20

So sorry you are going through this.

Pathos us t quite the same thing but my counsellor told me recently about someone who had committed suicide and the main reaction from those who weren't immediate family was anger rather than grief. Not that those people voiced it in public as they felt ashamed for having those feelings, but they felt resentful at the impact it had on their own lives.

Have you or your DS had counselling?

Snoozybird · 21/05/2015 23:22

Stupid autocorrect! 2nd paragraph supposed to start *appreciate not quite the same thing

DragonsCanHop · 21/05/2015 23:27

I can understand where you are coming from sorry if you are already aware but www.winstonswish.org.uk is a fab support for your son.

flashfalshflash · 21/05/2015 23:32

www.merrywidow.me.uk/

Mermaidhair · 22/05/2015 03:28

Hi op, I am also a widow. For me resentment was part of my grieving process. It's normal, but it's important that you don't stay there to long as it isn't helpful for you or your son. It helped me to write my dh a letter. Could you try that or counselling to work through it? I know it's hard, but we are where we are now so we need to make the best out of a crappy situation.

Atenco · 22/05/2015 05:41

So sorry for what you are passing through but just wanted to say that other widows have mentioned similar feelings to me. It must be very hard at times.

Original poster

mazcan · 22/05/2015 07:45

thanx everyone it helps talking about it on here. we haven't had counselling because we thought we were fine but maybe we should as it'll help us both move on

OP posts:

Greenrememberedhills · 22/05/2015 08:09

Please do consider counselling. My father died when I was a child and my mother was openly furious with him about it, which wasn't helpful. It put me in a position where I felt I needed to defend him, and it exacerbated problems in our relationship.

At the same time I agree the anger is natural and that's it's a matter of getting through that stage.

Counselling at this stage for both of you could be really helpful, and enable you to navigate the teen years a little more easily.

PacificDogwood · 22/05/2015 08:12

Fwiw, it is very common to feel angry at the deceased. And then feel guilty about that feeling - you are not alone in that

Yes, please consider seeking counselling, for yourself and your son. CRUSE are excellent.

Also, have a look at 'Widowed and Young' - I know they have been a support to some other MNers who found themselves bereaved at a young age.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you are having to live with this.

PuellaEstCornelia · 22/05/2015 08:20

So sorry you've lost your husband - totally understand the resentment thing! You did say your son was crying himself to sleep and not wanting to go to school - I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's not that normal - maybe worth getting him someone to speak to about his father's death? Children can process loss differently from adults, maybe he's struggling too?

springydaffs · 22/05/2015 08:58

My loathed ex died suddenly (accident) and I feel incredible anger that he put us through so much shit when he was alive, then womped us with his death, leaving me to pick up the fucking pieces.

But I did grieve for him. Complex bereavement its called - though there are complex feelings in most bereavements.

Ime the effects became apparent much later - I'm always wary when people say 's/he is taking it so well!' - I think 'watch out....'

It does sound like you're both struggling a great deal - to be expected. Get your boy therapeutic support, he is not coping (not that I would expect him to 'cope'). Kids can be unbelievably cruel, perhaps kids at school are deriding him for having a dead dad?

If you can don't rely on NHS (there's nothing there...), pay for it and/or access specialist orgs. Avoid Camhs - they will blame you and you could both certainly do without that shit on top. Get yourself support, too. It's money well spent; an essential expense.

I feel for you both

sadwidow28 · 22/05/2015 13:04

I had an exceptionally good life with my late DH but was widowed quite suddenly (cancer) when I was 46 yrs old. There are times even now (14 yrs later) that I am resentful to have a life alone without a loving, supportive relationship. I don't have close family so even things breaking down in the house just leave me feeling alone.

I did have counselling after 2 years. Although I thought I was strong and fine I really wasn't. It was the best thing I did.

My youngest brother died (alcoholic) after my husband. His son had counselling immediately for a couple of years and it certainly helped him to accept and talk through his feelings. It helped my SIL as well because she felt the professionals were part of her 'team' helping her son to develop into a happy, healthy teenager.

pocketsaviour · 22/05/2015 17:33

My ex died when I was 36 and his son was 13. He had been quite abusive and it has taken my (step)son a long time to work through his feelings. I definitely recommend getting some counselling for him.

I disagree with a PP about CAMHS - I found them incredibly helpful. However it may be dependent on what area you're in.

springydaffs · 22/05/2015 19:43

As you say, pocket, some ppl get lucky with Camhs - postcode lottery - but there are far too many across the country who have had an appalling experience. It just isn't worth the risk. I deeply regret we ever had dealings with them.

I'm sorry to labour it op - forewarned and all that. If you can afford it, find your own way by doing your research eg specialist orgs.

YellowTulips · 22/05/2015 19:56

I'm not in your position, but a colleague at work lost his wife to suicide last year.

He spoke to me about feeling not only terribly sad but also angry and resentful- then feeling guilty for those emotions. He found WAY (widowed and young) to be a great form of support.

So I think what you're feeling is actually very normal and part of the grieving process.

Have a think about looking at the WAY website- they can probably also help with counselling recommendations as well. Take care

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