Does emotionally unavailable men ever change?

[Stickels]

I just wanted to know if anyone has experience of being in a relationship with a commitment shy emotionally unavailable man?

Every time I get too close he runs away. It's frustrating and painful because the times we get the most close and the most intimate are the times he always pulls away afterwards.

Sometimes he calls all the time and texts all the time and I see him a lot, then other times he drops off the face of the planet. At those times if I text him he replies in one word answers and it's hurtful. If I ignore him, he always comes back.

He's not dating anyone else or anything, but he is hard (impossible) to make fixed plans with and he has to do it in his own time at his own pace. I often feel like everything revolves around him and I have feelings too.

He says he cares for me deeply, and that he is falling for me but that he needs time to adjust because he is so used to being alone. He says as time passes and trust builds he will be and give all the things I want and we've had clear discussions about that. Sometimes little things he does do show he cares a lot for me. For example I found he's kept lots of sentimental items from our dates (he's not the sentimental type!) and also noticed he deletes all his phone conversations and photos apart from ours. I asked why and he said "because that's us". Little things like that show he cares about me, but sometimes I feel like he's testing me or trying to make me dump him to see if I will.

I just want to know whether men like this are a lost cause. It's been five months now and while we make gradual progress it is very slow and I do spend a lot of time wondering what's happening which I don't really like.

One thought that has kept me going is that I have a female friend like this, who pushes people away and is scared to get close to people or intimate and I know that her current husband persevered through her barriers for months and months before she finally opened up enough to trust him and I was wondering if this might happen the same way.

I'm not a doormat with him but I have exercised a lot of patience and given him a lot of space and I just don't want to be a fool or waste my life away on a hopeless case. Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a man like this and does it always end badly?

Is it behaving with a lack of self respect to tolerate a boyfriend who disappears like this with never any explanation? I am not sure if I am being patient or being stupid.

Yes it does sound as though he is 'punishing' you when he disappears. Why, after 5 months is he trying to punish you? Some deep seated issues there OP, only you know if you have the capacity and self esteem to tie yourself in knots to get him to change. I wouldn't bother myself. Life and relationships can be happy, you can choose to leave the angst behind and focus on finding a partner who doesn't play games.

If you are not a doormat yet you soon will be if you stay with him

not an attractive prospect

grab hold of your self respect quick, this might just be the point where you start letting it get eroded

Run and dont look back next time he disappears

OP i could have written your post 3 years ago. The pattern of intimacy then distance, the "it could be so good if....". I didn't walk away at your stage, i wish i had. It's done me so much harm and i feel exploited, my good nature and kindness used. I have finally cut him out and no contact is the only way, to avoid being reeled back in.

Please walk away now, he will not change, he will not turn into a "better version" of himself, it becomes a painful cycle which gets harder and harder to extract yourself from.

I can't believe you just put up with this! I once went out with a guy like this, all very lovely, then he disappeared/didn't text for 10 days, I really wondered what happened. We broke up, he turned up years later, I was really pleased to restart the relationship, we went out a few times, and bang, he did it again! This time I learned my lesson, deleted his number and haven't spoken to him again.

I then met my husband, who is always pleased to see me and doesn't feel the need to disappear (bar the odd grumpy mood lasting a few hours he might withdraw a bit).

You might usefully read 'he's just not that into you' because he isn't. He isn't in the remotest bit worried when he disappears for a week that you won't be there when he gets back, he's already taking your dependence and anxiety around his disappearance for granted.

Honestly, why would anyone want to be with a guy who just isn't that into you. Read the book. Signs like keeping a keepsake aren't signs he loves you- it's a bit rich that he prefers those things than the actual living breathing you.

Of course sometimes people need a bit of space, a couple of days to clear their head, or go on hols with their friends. But this is persistent rejection really, and he utterly has the upper hand now as you have shown you are happy to sit back and wait for him to return at his leisure.

If he's depressed, and doing this, it sounds like he's not getting good treatment, I would run for that reason as well.

Well, he's on day 4 of his latest disappearance, after a big intimate talk at the weekend about how things were going to change, how he knew he'd let me down and it would be diferrent from now on with "more communication" and he's basically gone and done it again immediately. I am left hanging over whether we have plans this weekend or not and I suppose have just come to the end of my tether on it.

I'll end it. Will just work out the best way to do it. I know when I do it he will chase me / beg me so need to work out how best to hold my guns. I'm a bit of a sucker.

No, I don't think he really will change. Or he will temporarily to keep me but I suppose when he does this he doesn't really care how it makes me feel which tells me everything I need to know :(

He's not depressed. I know a lot about depression and he has no signs of it. He's just an idiot.

Good luck OP

"I know when I do it he will chase me / beg me so need to work out how best to hold my guns. I'm a bit of a sucker."

That's exactly what mine used to do. Don't let him persuade you. Look at the baggage reclaim site and if possible read a copy of the book I recommended. Both will help you strengthen your resolve.

No Contact is the only way to go. It's hard, but it's not as hard as the alternative.

You've only been going out five months and he's run off three times already? Clearly he's one of those free spirits. Kindest thing you can do is let him fly away. Maybe he'll meet someone who likes rollercoasters.

As well as the baggage reclaim site, thesame author has a book "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl". It opened my eyes HUGELY - get in amazon, it's a real resolve strengthener, which sounds exactly what you need x

"I know when I do it he will chase me / beg me so need to work out how best to hold my guns. I'm a bit of a sucker."

Ask him somethign like "if you really love me, if you love me that much, then go and work out why you need to do this.

Please have my best interests at heart and do not contact me again

If you ignore this request, I will know you are not willing to let me do the right thing for myself"

If he keeps on chasing you - you know it's the game he's interested in, not you. If he does back off then maybe one day he'll be fit relationship for someone, but hopefully by then you'll have found someone a lot steadier.

It isn't your job to make him into a decent person - if he wants to change, then general clinical practice experience would take probably 2-3 years to help him do this.

Tell him to come back to you at that point.

At the moment it is a power game for him - how long he can string you along.

I dated a Lone Wolf.
It was awful.
He's still the same now 3 years later.

Not worth your time imo.

Just stop texting him.
Block his number, block him on social media.
Done!
Seriously - 5 months in and it's like this.
You can do better and you know it.
Read all the recommendations on here and get shot of this toss-pot!

Thanks for the recommendation of the book. I got it on Kindle and am on page 60. It's describing my situation exactly.

He chased me like crazy, could not do enough for me, was so desperate to have me, I was his perfect woman etc. and he really fought to get me - then as soon as he had me this all started.

I'll carry on reading, I can understand why I feel so confused it's not been a very nice experience.

I have read the baggage reclaim site lots of times. I think the thing is that I am not the sort of girl to want a man who's "not that into me", but of course ha acted like he was. I thought he was absolutely crazy about me because he consistently acted like he was and then it all began and I was confused at first and felt I'd done something wrong.

They don't change. And it will grind you down until you feel like you are the problem. It will make you feel worse and worse and at the end he will still be the same

I had a boyfriend like this when I was in my early 20s. A nice guy, funny, smart warm and capable of intimacy up to a point and then he would bolt. He'd sweep me off my feet then disappear off as he obviously felt threatened by closeness.

It went on for a couple of years and I'm still embarrassed by what he turned me into, I felt like a bunny boiler by the end of it all and finally broke it off totally to save my sanity and last shred of dignity. Now with dh for over 12 years and have never had to doubt him or his commitment to me.

When someone up thread mentioned the injured soul bit that really rang true for me, I got sucked in to that game thinking I could be the one to fix him But he is now 42, single and pretty much the same, a nice guy to know socially and be friendly with but not a guy you can build a life with.

Nobody can say how things will go with your man but he does sound damaged and not ready for a relationship. If he really wants to move on and find another partner then he needs to go away and do the work on himself before dating again with you or anyone.

It isn't really the point that he will be sad when you are gone. That's not your responsibility - if he's not meeting your needs as a bodyfriend, and he's not, it's not your responsibility if he feels sad. He is choosing not to meet your needs. If he cares so much he needs to work out how to show it. I'd suggest he keep the distance periods to 1-2 days a month, and if he can't do that then that's it. What use to you is his 'secret hidden caring' while he ignores and shuts you down?

Zombie thread.