Help me understand if I have acted wrongly in my relationship?

[treesaregreener]

I am seeking advice from an objective point of view - I want to try and understand whether I cause a problem in relationships, or if it is my DP.

My DP and I haven't lived together very long (about a year) and were only together a year before that. In that time, we have talked lots about the future. We discussed buying a home, getting married, kids etc.

All went well. However, I started to notice that DP wasn't always straight with me about things. I've found that he was talking to his mum about looking at a flat to buy alone, for instance. We had a huge argument about it and I told him I couldn't trust him. His response was that 'he knew I would react like that and that's why he couldn't tell me.' It was, however, both of us that had equally discussed buying a place together - it wasn't like I had forced the idea upon him.

Other things also went on - he didn't stand up for me when his mum was incredibly rude about me (for no reason), and he would consistently change plans at the last minute, seemingly not really caring about the impact on my life/plans. I regularly would be in tears asking him to just be straight with me about things...telling him I was there for him and for us, and I would always support him even if his choices weren't what I would have chosen for us as a couple. I tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible with talking to me about hings.

All this came to a head recently where I couldn't take all the mis-trust. We had a blazing row (I swore at him which I feel so bad for :( )and initially he apologised and said he was so so sorry etc etc. Then he turned on me. Said I caused a load of pressure and we were always arguing. I responded by saying that 90% of our arguments come from his lack of ability to be straight with me and therefore respect me. We have carried on, but since then, he's not been particularly nice and kept saying he feels confused.

NB: my partner can be loving, generous and thoughtful. Without the lies/mis-trust described above, he would be pretty much perfect in my eyes.

Why am I worried this is all my fault:

• I know for a fact that I can be intense - I am very enthusiastic generally in life, and I was excited about a future with him. He definitely encouraged this for sure. But I know I was intense and excitable about it all - could this have been pressure?

• Whilst I don't believe I am argumentative...I do like to get things out in the open. I would rather just say something than let it bubble under the surface if there's a problem. Could this have pushed him away?

• Each time he lied to me, I found it harder to trust him, and that made me feel like I needed to look for some certainty in the relationship... this is perhaps what he meant when he referred to 'pressure.'

Could Mumsnetters please tell me if they think I am a problem? I am genuinely worried that I handled my relationship wrong, and now we are trying to move past it all, I feel so guilty after he tells me I made things pressured between us :(

I know I will get blunt advice if relevant, so I'm ready to face it if so...

topofthecliff yes he has, he's had one other vaguely serious one (shorter amount of time than with me).

He claims that they ended because she cheated on him (if that's true I'm not even surprised if he treated her like this..!). However, I read messages on his facebook ages ago from when they were together, and she had said some similar things to me: 'please talk to me,' 'if you're not sure then i can't carry on waiting around for you,' 'i'm tired of waiting,' 'can you please pick up the phone.' etc etc.

I just feel like I'm going out with someone who is slightly crazy... none of his actions really make sense!

I too was wondering if you have posted about this man before as this sounds familiar.

Bottom line though, whether you have or not, this is not your fault, it's him. He sounds awful.

Perhaps he has wanted out of the relationship for some time - hence why he changed his thinking about buying a flat together - but since he hasn't had the courage to say anything he is behaving in a way that will get you to make the decision - lots of men seem to do this!
I can also see how you pushing for things to happen & being intense could feel like pressure to him and perhaps you do need to reflect further on this. I'm assuming you are quite young (?) & perhaps you need to relax a bit - about relationships & real estate... You can make things like buying a flat happen for yourself (even if you need a lodger &/or assistance with the deposit) He's not the one & it's so much better to have found out before you have children or property together :)

Oh please please PLEASE dump this guy!!

You are getting the same replies from EVERYONE. Everyone who has either had the misfortune to have got involved with similar lying, manipulative losers, or have seen friends/family do so, or have simply read your posts, compared this bullshitter's actions to those of their own decent, normal partners and thought 'fucking hell, she's with a twat!'

He's a twat. Manipulative, immature, dishonest, selfish. No, he won't 'change' - he is what he is.

You've really not been with him for that long, and you're seeing what he IS. Actions, not words.

Move on. Forget understanding, pleading, trying to rationalise. The answer is: this guy is a massive bellend.

The best and most effective way to end up with a decent, honest, loving, GENUINE man is to not lay down and give chance after chance to the ones who show you quite clearly that they are none of those things.

So be smart. Look to the future and the kind of man you want in it. And get rid of this one, who is so clearly the exact opposite, and let some other mug waste her time being disrespected by him.

He didn't do somehing because he fell asleep, so according to him it wasn't his fault. I am sure that excuse will wear thin.

Do you feel less in the dark now? Because whenever you post about him I don't think that you are going to get different answers to these.

My concern is that at the start he didn't seem like this - he was attentive and nice. It makes me wonder if I made him this way?! As time has gone on he's been more and more unreliable and doing all the above.

Read an earlier post.
What he is like in the beginning is an act. We all do it somewhat, but we are on best behaviour to get the person we want.
How he is now is the real him, not you at all.

And I'd suspect the previous gf got tired of waiting and not getting in contact and moved on (i.e. "cheated")

Just let him go.

You ask: Who behaves in that kind of way and expects their relationship to survive?

Answer: somebody who is not very much bothered if their relationship survives or not.

Please stop trying to blame yourself for the fact that he is not a committed partner to you. He is not a committed partner to you - that's it. You didn't make him be this way, he does that all by himself.

Everyone's nicest at the start of a relationship. It's new and shiny, people go on their best behaviour even without entirely meaning to - they want to impress and they're happy, you see the best side of them all the time. But no one can keep that up forever. The person you see after a couple of years together is the real person. And again, we all have a bad side to some extent, we all reveal it more as time goes on. But his particular bad side is really not OK.

You can't make a person sneaky and dishonest. That's him. He'd rather lie and deceive you, hoping to get away without being called on it, than have an honest conversation. That's a cowardly man. And the FB posts from his ex are such an echo of what he's doing to you now.

I don't even think I like him, very much anymore :(

I've told people in real life the things he does and how he behaves and I am really, really honest about any flaws I have and how I feel I might have made mistakes. They all say to leave him and that he doesn't know how to be with someone.

I should have listened sooner.

"I don't think I like him anymore" - if you stay you will also start to dislike yourself. Everyone here and also in RL are telling you to end it. They are right. If you stay your self esteem will plummet and your life will bemade a misery by his passive aggressiveness and his mum's interfering.

We all give you permission to leave - please do it.

This all does sound familiar.

However, you do seem a bit stuck, hoping that if you think about this again and again, it will all make sense and you will work out why he's like this.

This is not going to happen. He was initially nice, but now the reality of life as a couple as hit, neither of you is having any fun or enjoying the relationship enough to make it a long-term thing.

This isn't your fault, you have put your best into this, but he's not great partner material, has a tendency to lie, and you argue in a non-productive way which makes you feel worse.

I am not sure what advice you want, you have two choices. Stay and carry on wondering why he doesn't seem to really like you that much and is planning a separate life (I think he was planning to move away and do a job a long way away as well) or leave him. There isn't a choice called 'stay and he miraculously changes into a great guy that's really into you and puts you first in his life' because that's just not what he's offering.

I think if you stay much longer, he's going to be more and more horrible. Some men do this instead of breaking up with someone, they just behave very badly til they do it themselves. Please consider if this is a nice life, and if it isn't, thank your lucky stars you aren't over committed or married or had kids with this guy so you do genuinely have the freedom to move on and find a relationship that's better.

Some men do this instead of breaking up with someone, they just behave very badly til they do it themselves.

Yep yep yep. This is exactly what this man would do (and what he did to his ex by the sound of it). He hasn't the courage to initiate a confrontation so he lies, withdraws, finds any way he can to cop out of being honest - manipulates the situation so he can have what he wants without ever having to be upfront about it. That way it's easier for him to ignore any pain he causes, even though that very behaviour makes the pain worse. He'd rather spare his own feelings than anyone else's, basically.

As for listening sooner, OP, hindsight's always 20:20. You're a nice, loving person, you cared about him, you hoped it would be OK. There's no shame in that. But these lies and evasions are the real him, and you deserve better.

Did you post about this the other day? If you did you can see the answers are the same. It doesn't get better. You need to grow some self worth!
you blame being intense and excitable..
Seriously? It really isn't you.