Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DP doesn't want to marry me.

24 replies

whiteiris · 21/05/2015 11:12

To be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him, but it really hurt and upset and maybe angered me when he said that yesterday. I am having trouble getting over it. We've been living together 2 years and have one child. I guess I just wanted the option. And I feel used. ..... OK for sex and housemate bit not for marriage.

We've both been married before.

Anyone else had similar problems?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 21/05/2015 11:16

That's got to sting. What were his reasons?

Fudgeface123 · 21/05/2015 11:28

It's only been 2 years though OP, my DP said he didn't want to get married, didn't believe in it. We've been together for 8 years, after 5 years he proposed and this weekend he's booking the registry office.

Was your child planned? Maybe he didn't see you as being long term when you got together, maybe he'll change his mind. It's still early days

Thurlow · 21/05/2015 11:32

It depends what the reasons are.

Understandable reasons with an acknowledgement of all the extra legal hoops you have to jump through to provide each other with as much protection as you can - something you might be able to work on.

Just "don't wanna" - rubbish.

upduffedandworrying · 21/05/2015 11:33

Does he not want to get married at all or does he just not want to get married to you, specifically?

Original poster

whiteiris · 21/05/2015 12:09

That's what's bothering me upduff.

His reasons- he's currently divorcing ex wife and is appalled at the cost (approximately $800 AUD), and I commented that I wouldn't want to change my name until my older dd who shares my surname grows up and he said it would be too late to bother then.

OP posts:

Original poster

whiteiris · 21/05/2015 12:12

Fudge - our child was planned. He insinuated he was open to marriage when I was undecided on whether to give her my own surname or his (I gave her his).

OP posts:

upduffedandworrying · 21/05/2015 12:17

white ok let's look at his reasons

he's currently divorcing ex wife and is appalled at the cost (approximately $800 AUD ok, fair play, but then it feels like he's automatically assuming you'll split up? also in the grand scheme of things that doesn't seem like a ridiculous amount of money considering some divorces cost thousands

I commented that I wouldn't want to change my name until my older dd who shares my surname grows up and he said it would be too late to bother then. but surely this is irrelevant, you could marry him and keep your name, and then change it when your DD gets older?? the name change is immaterial, isn't it?

I don't know OP, he sounds a bit iffy to me. Fair enough if he's been through a traumatic divorce and doesn't want to get married again for that reason, but his reasons look a bit flimsy.

Hollii · 21/05/2015 12:17

Does he love you?

Hollii · 21/05/2015 12:19

To be fair you just said you were not sure if you wanted to marry him. Why?

Isetan · 21/05/2015 12:34

Divorces are very expensive and if I was in the middle of one, I wouldn't be in such a hurry to get married again either. If after two years and a child, you weren't sure about marriage, why is it such a shock/ humiliation that he is sure he doesn't want marriage.

If he talked about marriage being a probability, then your feelings of deception are justified but if you assumed that marriage would follow, then you are not.

How long were you together before you moved in together and how old is your child?

Thurlow · 21/05/2015 12:34

If he's not willing to get married, is he willing to do other things so you feel in a committed and protected relationship?

I can understand that someone coming out the other side of a failed marriage might be feeling a little wary of getting married again, but he still needs to show he is committing to your relationship.

Original poster

whiteiris · 21/05/2015 12:50

Hollii yes I believe he loves me. Why am I not sure I want to marry him? Well I've been married once before and that failed, and in another long term relationship that failed and I'm worried that if I get married again I'll be setting myself up for failure. I can see how hypocritical that sounds now that I write it down.

Child is 18 months, we lived together 10 months before she was born, and dated for a couple of years prior to that.

OP posts:

catswag · 21/05/2015 13:00

Child is 18 months, we lived together 10 months before she was born, and dated for a couple of years prior to that
you must have been together longer than two years then

Want2bSupermum · 21/05/2015 13:01

As awful as it is I would assume that as he is not yet divorced he can't marry you anyway.

You need to watch out for yourself and make sure you needs are being met. If you are not working get back to work on a FT basis and if you own property make darn sure he is not an owner. If he is the owner make darn sure you are putting money away. I would also suggest you guys have therapy. It's a real eye opener to see how expensive divorce is and my own father has refused to remarry based on his costly divorce. I see where he is coming from, especially if he has DC from his first marriage. There are ways to legally set things up so children from a previous marriage are taken care of.

Hollii · 21/05/2015 13:07

Did your relationship with him break up his marriage? If so could he feel guilty and that's why he doesn't want to marry you?

pocketsaviour · 21/05/2015 13:34

If he's still going through the divorce then I can understand him being a bit shy of it at the moment. perhaps he'll change his mind further down the line?

If you have stayed home to look after your little one, I would want to think about protecting your income, though. Right now if you split you would have no rights to spousal maintenance. (..Actually this may be different in Aus, but still, look into protecting your interests.)

TTWK · 21/05/2015 13:41

So it's fine for you not to want to marry him, but not OK for him to not want to marry you. Errr..... right.

KatelynB · 21/05/2015 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breadstixandhommus · 21/05/2015 15:38

Sorry but you sound like hard work. You don't really want to marry him but you're pissed off he doesn't want to marry you? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

He is currently in the middle of a divorce so the stress is still raw in that respect, I'm not surprised he won't give marriage a second thought right now.

Cabrinha · 21/05/2015 17:15

800 AUD is bobbins.
Why is he still married when you two have been together 4 years?!
I'm divorced - I wouldn't marry again, I don't think.

Whatamayday · 21/05/2015 17:30

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to discuss marriage when he's going through a divorce. A divorce, even if amicable, is enough to put you off marriage for life.

As you're not even sure yourself, why don't you leave things as they are for a year or so and see how you both feel then?

I know a couple who have just got married after 12 years together. He was a confirmed bachelor but as he got older he mellowed and started to feel differently. So there is hope!

Original poster

whiteiris · 21/05/2015 23:02

Thanks everyone.

Catswag she was conceived in the month after he moved in.

Hollii no they had been separated about 6 months before we met.

Financially I "own" the house (mortgage) and work part time.

I guess I want to be loved and adored to the point that he would do anything to keep me. I feel angry that I've let him in my bed and under my roof and now he might not want to take it any further. I know this is irrational. I think I always want what I can't have. He is a great partner in every respect.

OP posts:

Hollii · 22/05/2015 00:12

I get that white. I think its natural to want him to want to marry you isn't it? You are living like a married couple anyway.

Glastokitty · 22/05/2015 00:19

$800 AUD is the cheapest divorce I've ever heard of! I'd be very hurt at this too OP. Although if you really don't want to marry him either the point is moot. As others have said, make sure you are covered financially, and have a think about whether this is a deal breaker for you or not.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread