separation advice-have you been where I am?

[fantasyworld]

Haven't posted on here for ages, but would appreciate some advice if people have been in a similar situation to mine...My h and I have separated three weeks ago, it was my decision following years of unhappiness where I felt he was absent in every possible way. In spite of me repeatedly stating that I was unhappy and that I was considering leaving, it still came to a shock to him and to some of our friends and family. He offered to give me space and moved out. I then told him that I would like the separation to become permanent. He seemed to accept it initially, but tonight it became apparent that he does not. He said he wants to work on the relationship and that he will do anything. Unfortunately, I have heard it all before, our pattern is he makes promises and I believe him, he lets me down, I feel like shit, he makes me more promises, I take up hope again, and so on. Our daughter, who is 4, is absolutely devastated. She has gone from being a happy and outgoing girl to being aggressive, tearful and clingy. It absolutely breaks my heart to see what she is going through, especially as I was her age when my own parents separated. It is very tempting to say let's forget it all, I will just grin and bear it like I did before, then I won't have to worry about money, finding a place, dealing with my heartbroken daughter etc. But the truth is, I don't miss the relationship. I do miss him as a person as we have always been friends and it is weird not to be able to talk to him as I used to and just generally after twelve years together I am obviously adjusting to this huge change. However. My life is in so many ways so much simpler now that I don't have to carry him and now that I don't have to have any, or at least, less, expectations of him. He sees this as apocalyptic and while my sympathies are with him, I do resent the way he is trying to talk me into a reconciliation by stating that "this is just the beginning" and that things will get much tougher down the line. He is partly right, I know. Am I deluded in thinking we can parent successfully as a separated couple? Am I ruining our daughter's life?

Have you separated before?

Do you think your STBX may have been talking to your daughter?

He sounds like he is trying to emotionally manipulating you, so I wonder if he has worked on the child too to make her devastated.

It may be a good idea to seek professional support for her until things settle. Someone she can talk to without emotional involvement.

But, if you are sure, then I'd carry on. Going back and fro will be much worse for your daughter. Once it is all settled into a routine it should be easier. But you will need his cooperation, or he should simply back away.

Has he moved out when you separated before?

Maybe this time he's had a wake up call?

Fantasy. Sorry to hear you are going through these difficulties.

I haven't been where you are but I think I've been where he is.

The thing is that if someone is sorry and wants to put things right (man or woman) they are often going to plead, beg , pitch , state their case , try to persuade or sway . . Call it what you want. That's just how these things go. It's merely the conversation type that goes with the scenario. I disagree with the assumption that these conversations all fall under the category of emotional manipulation. Fair enough , some cases such as threats of violence or suicide or threats to turn people against them or spread lies , clearly are manipulation. Asking to think how a spilt (if there's any hope that from both sides , the split can be avoided before it's too late) will affect any children involved is not manipulation in my opinion. It's a key consideration to be made before a drastic and life changing decision is made.

I accept that lots of people will not agree with that opinion and respect people's right to disagree with me.

To clarify, this is what I thought was manipulation
I do resent the way he is trying to talk me into a reconciliation by stating that "this is just the beginning" and that things will get much tougher down the line.
It sounds vaguely threatening. It implies that the wife who wants to split is deluding herself, that she won't be able to manage, and possibly that he will make it more difficult.

Fantasy, there is a book you and stbh may find helpful in this siyuation, it has lot of advice on how to set up things and what to consider, so you can continue to parent your child effectively as a separated family. The book is called Putting Children First, you can find it in Amazon.

It is not divorce that damages the children, is witnessing all the disagreements that preceed it. As long as the children are kept out of it, and they know what will happen, where their dad is going to live, and how and when contact will be taking place, they will cope fine with it.

And no, you are not ruining your DD's life, you are making it better by teaching her that women are free to choose the life they want to live.mBut if Dad (or you) are trying to involve her in the discussion, you may want to stop those behaviours before she gets more hurt.

Yeah I get that Lweji. But perhaps he has a point , or atleast thinks he does. Again, he is entitled to this opinion.

In my situation , dealing with a young child , constantly asking me if I am coming home. Crying at drop off and asking me to stay as well as simply being separated from my darling child on a day to day basis has been devastating and hard enough to deal with in itself. To then be accused of manipulating the child as the child had been saying things to his mum along the lines of "mummy not talking to daddy" or "I want daddy here" was sickening and soul destroying. And of course I have no way of disproving this just as people suggesting that the OP's ex is being manipulative don't either.

I can only see this getting harder the older my child gets and the more inquisitive the child becomes. Of course white lies will have to play their part but the fact that the whole scenario is, to me atleast, essentially avoidable and repairable, so very very regrettable.

sorry for hijacking this post OP. My advice to you would be to see if you can sort it out. To see if the separation did really hammer the message home. You may be beyond this point already for all I know. Good luck.

I don't think you are deluded in thinking that you can parent successfully after a split at all.

If he is a decent adult man (rather than a man-child) and a decent dad then you will be able to co-parent successfully with him. If he is not then staying married to him is not going to improve him!

How successful he is as a father depends on (i) what he is like as a dad now and (ii) whether he heeds the wakeup call of your separation and looks at his own behaviour.

You are not responsible for either of those things. He is a grown up or should be. He should put his daughter's feelings first if he is a decent dad rather than winding her up, but you cannot make him behave well. You are also not his parent.

You ARE responsible for looking after yourself (including not having to be in a bad relationship) and for looking after your daughter.

If you split now whilst she is young then although she is upset now, she will grow up, like thousands of other children, believing that having separated parents is normal. That is not a bad place to be in and will reflect the reality of many of her classmates when she goes to school. As long as both parents make it clear they love her I am sure she will be fine.

What is the alternative? To spend the next 20 years trapped with a man who constantly lets you (and therefore her) down? It sounds as if you have given him a more than fair crack of the whip. For you to sacrifice your happiness for some idea that she can only be happy if you stay with her father? In reality she is more likely to grow up in an unhappy and stressful family situation. A man who can attempt to blackmail his wife into staying with threats after repeatedly letting her down is not going to magically turn into a lovely human being, wonderful supportive partner and fantastic dad because you sacrifice yourself.

Sometimes being an adult means you have to make the hard, right choices. I wouldn't necessarily take the opinions of friends and family into account either as none of them are unbiased and none of them experience your relationship from the inside.

You don't have to make any immediate decisions and I suggest you take as long as you need to be really clear about what you want and need to do. Work on your time frame and no-one else's. You know what he is really like and we do not. Make your decision based on that. I suggest you think long and hard about the realities of your situation both now and in the long term and ideally talk to a neutral third party like a counsellor.

Best of luck.

When he made the comment about it just being the beginning, was he stating fact (you too are aware this is true) or was he being threatening?
I would carry on as you are. You have told --warned- him many times you are not happy and he has carried on in his own sweet way. It's not until you have followed through that he has woken up. One of you has to be sensible and stick to a plan and it's not looking like it's going to be him. You are happier apart just ensure he is not poisoning your DD. If he is, then he doesn't deserve any good treatment from you at all.

Thank you, really appreciate all the words of advice. I don't think he means to be deliberately threatening, just that in his world view this is literally the end of the world; in mine it is an inevitable, if painful, step I have to make if I have any self respect left. I am fully aware of the wide ranging consequences, especially for our daughter, which is why I am freaking out. I am already thinking teenage years and self harming behaviors. Part of me is tempted to say let's work on it, but I don't know if it' for the right reasons. His mother recently asked me if I still wished to wake up next to him every morning, and my answer was honestly, no. I don't miss him in that way. In my heart I have distanced myself from him a long time ago. I don't see myself in a relationship with him anymore. But I wish I could make our daughter whole again and I wish I had a magic wand and make this happen without anyone suffering. I know things are going to be tough from all point f view, but part of me thinks if my mum did it with little or no support, so can I. Then I think that I am unfairly trying to be my mother and forcing my daughter to be me. I just don't know what to think. Maybe counseling is the way forward after all.

Op my situation is very similar to yours.
10 weeks into the separation and we have a 5year old and 17 month old.

They find it hard when daddy leaves. To make it easier on them he sees them here and soon they will be going to his new place.

He and I get on well and we are still spending some time together as a family, even with mutual friends so it is possible to co parent amicably.

Our 5 year old in particular really misses him and wants things the way they were. We sit with her together to talk it through, keep each other updated on any signs that she is giving about what is going on for hee and we agree in advance what approach we will take.
We also never lie to her. We have both admitted that we have hurt each others feelings so there is no playing her off against each other. She knows that she can say anything about it to either of us and that she's allowed to be angry with us about the situation.

It's hard but if you can still be friendly and he is able to put his devastation to one side until they are in bed it's possible.
Good luck

ninetynineonehundred, it's good to hear about your experience. Just had a lovely afternoon at the park all together. I'm glad things like this are still possible. It's a fumble in the dark isn't it, but hoping we can muddle through. Good luck to you too x