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Original poster

How would you receive an apology from the OW, over a decade on?

51 replies

AwayAndRunUpMaHumf · 20/05/2015 22:22

About 12 years ago, I was in a long term, 8 year + relationship. I met a man who was in more or less the same situation, we fell for each other and started seeing each other, not on a regular basis at first, but it gradually increased. Neither couple was married, nor had any children.
However, we are all from the same, smallish town (although some parties have moved away), and even now I am married to someone else, have children, I still feel guilty about how I treated/ disregarded her and feel an inclination to apologise.
I was fairly young at the time (not even mid 20s) and although not using my age to excuse my behaviour I was probably very naive about the effects of my actions.

How would you feel if you received an email apology in these circumstances?

OP posts:

JAPAB · 21/05/2015 22:28

CultureSucksDownWords:

"Surely the matter is/was between the woman and her partner at the time? It's irrelevant who he cheated with really, if not the OP then it would/could have been someone else."

I think that is a bit like saying that if I don't buy the cosmetics tested on animals then someone else will anyway. Maybe, maybe not, but if they do then it is them that is contributing to cosmetics being tested on animals, not me.

If I was feeling guilty about my past actions and how they contributed to a situation that harmed others, not sure that line of thought would work with me anyway.

Also can you be sure that everyone who ever has an affair would have had it with anyone who said yes, and that there was nothing specific about the actual OM/OW. It seems a bit sweeping to me to suggest that it is never the person just an affair, that is wanted. Although I am sure that is true in some cases.

JAPAB · 21/05/2015 22:34

If someone apologised to me for a past wrong I think I would sort of know that part of it is them wanting to make themselves feel better (isn't it always?) but if I thought they really were sorry and guilty that might be something. I find it hard to say. We are all different and would react differently.

morethanpotatoprints · 21/05/2015 22:36

I can't see what you would hope to achieve.
12 years is a long time ago now, I bet she has moved on and forgotten about it now.
If it's a small time chances are you will bump into her sometime and you can be your usual civil self.
or was she one that moved away? In which case back to what do you hope to gain?
I'm sure she realises that you were young and naive and the time would come when you realised what you had done all those years ago.

CultureSucksDownWords · 21/05/2015 22:42

JAPAB, I'm not saying that the cheating partner would have cheated with anyone who said yes. What I'm saying is that it is not important who he cheated with, but that he did. The issue is/was between him and his partner at the time. This urge to apologise comes from the OPs feelings of guilt, not from any insight or awareness of how the wronged partner felt/is feeling. As such it is all about the OP, and I don't think it would be thoughtful or helpful to speak to the wronged partner now.

springydaffs · 22/05/2015 00:08

I don't agree the op is entirely motivated by assuaging her guilt. It's a bit of a number to put on her when she's already screwed down with guilt.

It's a human, humane, impulse to want to make amends when we have hurt someone. The question is how to do that, if at all.

I don't agree that a great wrong is 'forgotten' - it may fade, life events eclipse it, but it doesn't entirely go away imo.

Ime of apologies (about great wrongs) - few and far between! - my initial response has been stoney. Bitter? It has worried the wound. But I've never forgotten it and over time it has helped a great deal with the healing.

Timing is probably crucial - too soon and it may not penetrate the smarting. Not then, anyway. But 9 - or 12, I'm lost - years later seems appropriate timing.

I know I would greatly value an apology from ppl who have done me great harm. I may want to punch them in the face - yes, you bastard, you really did hurt me! - so it's important to keep it short and to the point, sans emotion. I wish more ppl were like you, op.

LynetteScavo · 22/05/2015 21:47

I almost agree with everything springydaffs says.

My immediate reaction to reading an apology - even 12 years- later would be what I've posted above.

But....several years down the line from now I would look back and reflect, and in fact appreciate the apology.

ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 23/05/2015 13:46

If you're still reading OP, just wanted to be another one seconding springydaffs wise post.

Nothing to add to it, but feel like I could have written it myself.

Apologies aren't only about assuaging guilt, I'm certain of that. In fact, I've hesitated and failed to apologise on more than one occasion (one in particular I regret very much) because I was totally convinced that the people I wanted to apologise to would see it as totally selfish on my part.

Having said that, I don't know whether you should write to her OP, I just wanted to lend support to you in saying I don't think you're selfish. Best wishes.

Claralikessage · 23/05/2015 19:08

I think the fact that you are even thinking about writing an apology shows that you are sorry AND a good person. Write it and send it. It will help the wife/ex wife.

Spotifymuse · 23/05/2015 19:29

I'd laugh, think 'how sad' and throw it in the bin, delete it and return to the amazing life I now have, content in the knowledge that you were still stuck in the past.

SoupDragon · 23/05/2015 19:32

I would assume that the OW was doing it for her own benefit and is still a bitch.

Original poster

AwayAndRunUpMaHumf · 23/05/2015 20:42

Okay, thanks for all the replies. It looks like it's firmly split down the middle, so I think I might sit on the idea for a little while yet.

OP posts:

Justusemyname · 23/05/2015 20:47

I'd think what a dick that she thinks she was so important to me that I'd still be thinking of her years later and needed an apology.

nooka · 23/05/2015 21:06

It's probably about ten years since dh had his affair and I would absolutely hate for his OW to contact me, it would feel like a huge invasion of my privacy and my life. I'd also be a bit anxious that she knew where I lived and wonder what I might expect next.

Also I think that the content of the letter would need to be incredibly neutral not to upset, anything that implied she knew what I was thinking or feeling (then or now) would likely make me quite angry.

I have moved on from dh's affair and we have a happy life, it's long in the past. However that doesn't mean that I don't carry wounds from it, things I really don't want to stir up. I can't see that her feeling sorry about her wrong actions woudl really make me feel better, now or in the future. Ultimately how she feels is a bit irrelevant really. Just as I assume at the time my feelings were irrelevant to her.

drudgetrudy · 23/05/2015 22:51

I wouldn't like it after all that time. If I had been hurt at the time and got over it receiving an apology now would just be an unpleasant reminder.

Move on and leave it in the past.

winkywinkola · 23/05/2015 22:57

Oh just leave the woman alone. She really doesn't need or want an apology from someone like you who couldn't care less about anyone but her own immediate gratification.

Maybe one day what you did will bite you on the arse good and proper.

Unescorted · 23/05/2015 23:03

I would think fuck off to the far side of fuck off and don't think of returning. It took a long time to not want to wipe you from the face of the earth and therefore I will not be party to you making yourself feel better.

I know it isn't you - but if the OW thought of doing something so self serving after I kept it all in so she wasn't wiped over the floor I would not be pleased. I would think that you were trying to assague guilt and garner support for a failing sense of self esteem - therefore I would dance all over you.

Apathyisthenewblah · 23/05/2015 23:06

No crazy idea. Let the past stay in the past.
I don't buy into all this OW, once a bitch always a bitch, karma will bite you in the arse bullshit but why dredge up old business.

BadgersArse · 23/05/2015 23:09

i was once forced to cover for someone who was having an affair. I did it fast, as I was put on the spot.

After the marriage ended I confessed to the wife.I made the point that it was done ' on the hoof' and I had learned I would never do that again

LovesPeace · 24/05/2015 17:24

I suspect that the lady knows she's worth ten of you, that's if she even thinks about you at all - unlikely after such a long time.

Smacks of attention seeking, whiny, self pitying behaviour on the OP's part - 'See, I'm not a bitch, I'm a really nice caring person, who accidentally fell under your partner'.

If it were me, I'd think 'oh, do fuck off, loser'. Other people may be more willing to indulge you though...

springydaffs · 26/05/2015 23:42

Bloody hell LovePeace!

AnyFucker · 26/05/2015 23:51

I would think that you had an inflated sense of your own importance

it's likely you were just one of several "naive" young women

the issue was with her and him...you were simply incidental which is entirely as it should be

RickJames · 27/05/2015 00:00

If you feel the need to act, then I don't think that's a bad thing. However, bringing the innocent party back into something that she'd probably prefer to not deal with would be very wrong. After all, they split up, she has a new partner and a new life - let her be. If you feel moved to do something to redress the balance why not donate your time or money to a charity that helps women. This could help you to address the, I dunno, karmic balance that will bring you some closure and put some positivity into the world. Maybe that would not be such an ego exercise, but, if you are truly seeking to attone then it could go a long way.

DustBunnyFarmer · 27/05/2015 00:13

Why now, OP? Have you had kids or some other change in circumstance that's made you realise what a shitty thing you did? Whatever your reason, this is all about you.

Preciousbane · 27/05/2015 00:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaMaof04 · 27/05/2015 00:24

WE are silly when we are young. IMO Op was very young when she did what she did (yes twenty something can be very young when you do not yet have kids and it looks that the relationship she was in was from her teens, so that might have kept her a bit immature) - and now she just matured into a nice young woman. If she still lives in the vicinity of the wronged partner - and it looks as if she still does- then I do understand her need to apologize.
Op do you know a bit the woman you wronged? Did she rebuild her life and is content now with her life? If yes I would definitely send her a bunch of flowers with some brief apology (My sincere apology- I was stupid). If she has troubles then better leave her alone now.
Well done Op!

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