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Relationships

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Original poster

Words Vs Actions - and tell me what "normal" is!

22 replies

lordsandladies · 20/05/2015 14:58

I'm in indecision mode about whether to move home to my family or if I should sit tight with DH.

Brief background we've been through an incredibly turbulent time as a family (work related with lots of emotional baggage) and DH has had a breakdown where he basically ran away and lied to me a lot leaving me with a newborn and a 2 and 5 YO. We are also in the toilet financially being propped up solely by my wage and I can't afford childcare so i'm run ragged trying to get them to various family places to work.

Right so DH is still largely "absent" emotionally and physically, he is focused on making a new opportunity work and therefore I am unable to ever rely on him for any time for me or the kids, ever. He may be here, he may not be here. He isn't currently earning.

When I talk to him his reasoning is so logical and I feel like i'm the one who is unable to cope and be happy like I used to, and that I should hold on for just a little while longer then everything will come good.

But in reality everyone else thinks I have to do too much and my family think I should go home for support.

An example. Last 3 nights he has had a "reason" to go out from school drop off for oldest DD until midnight ish. Leaving me alone for bedtime which is really hard. Talking to him there are logical reasons this has been neccessary, and he feels bad I feel back etc. Then I talk to my mum who says "he's just gone out for 7 hours his phone off how is that reasonable?". And my heads a mess again.

They say I should move home, he says I should move home, but then when I make the decision (3 times now) he says how much he'll miss me, how there isn't as much to do with the kids there, how i'll be more supported there, but actually the people in the area aren't as nice, DD will miss her school etc etc arrgghhh so i'm all in a muddle.

So tell me what normal is? Is it words or actions? How much do you / your partner do alone (especially if you have your own business?

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 20/05/2015 15:12

Three children under five and no childcare? and he has no income but is unable to do the childcare? Why? it is perfectly possible to look for work whilst doing the lions share of the childcare, and its a luxury to chase around trying to start a business when you A) have no actual income B) are avoiding other responsibilities C) have someone else supporting you D) when you really should be thinking about taking any kind of work just to fulfill your responsibilities. He is royally taking the piss. As for having a breakdown, I just don't get it, again I think that is a luxury this man can't afford.

I would move home and leave him to it.

goddessofsmallthings · 20/05/2015 15:15

Nothing about your situation sounds 'normal'.

What is this financially non-productive 'business' that means he can't look after his dc in the daytime and is required to be out until midnight with his phone turned off?

Don't listen to him - listen to your mum and ask your family to help you move asap, or throw your cocklodging h out on his ear before he dumps you for one of his 'business' associates.

pocketsaviour · 20/05/2015 15:30

Is it an all or nothing deal - would you have to definitely move schools, or could you leave DD at her current one? I'm guessing it can't be that far away if you'd still stay in your job (you didn't mention moving job.)

The current set up seems designed to benefit only him, and inconvenience everyone else (including the kids).

How long has this "just a little while longer" been going on for? Could you perhaps give him a specific deadline by which certain things need to be sorted - e.g. there is enough reliable income for childcare, or that he will pull his head out of his arse and take care of the kids. And if when those deadlines aren't met, make your move.

Original poster

lordsandladies · 20/05/2015 15:44

The move is 4 hours away! But my job I can move and remain employed (can't be any more specific sorry).

It's been a steady decline since having kids I guess but the breakdown/rapid fuckedupness has been the last year. It's actually better than it was!

Thing is i read shit on here about gaslighting and think am I being a fool? Is the last 20 years all a big manipulative lie? But I can't see him as that.

This has highlighted financial and time balance issues that must have always existed to a degree but it's only been a year it's been to the nth degree.

OP posts:

BeCool · 20/05/2015 15:54

Why isn't he at least looking after his children while you work?

It's sounds like you are doing it all and he is doing ...... well it's a mystery.
Where is he for 7 hours at night with his phone turned off? Why are you running around organising family childcare - where is he then and why isn't he organising this if he can't look after his own children?

I feel quite drained having read your posts - you must be shattered OP, and I know it can feel like making decisions is impossible when you are exhausted and stressed.

Original poster

lordsandladies · 20/05/2015 19:29

He does generally do the drop offs now (he didn't for months). He washes up on occasion and cuts the grass. He comes back to do school pick up sometimes. We go for the odd coffee.

That's it

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 20/05/2015 19:43

Where is he going of an evening?

Original poster

lordsandladies · 20/05/2015 19:59

Gym then meeting people about "work"

OP posts:

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 20/05/2015 20:06

so he can't go to the gym whilst the kids are at school/grandparents during cheaper off peak hours?
And if he has no income scrap the bloody gym he can walk for exercise.

goddessofsmallthings · 20/05/2015 20:15

As Mini has said upthread, he is royally taking the piss.

Do you own or rent your home? How will he support himself when you wake up and smell the coffee move?

woowoo22 · 20/05/2015 20:36

Dude, listen to your mum. She can see the situation objectively. Sounds like a nightmare.

Original poster

lordsandladies · 20/05/2015 20:55

He needs the gum to manage his depression so I can't really question it. That's the fucking rub with MH issues how do you separate the illness from the chosen unreasonable behaviour?

We own our home.

He's been a thoughtful loving husband with some issues for many years. How do I chuck away what we had, the man I only see in flashes now because of what we have now iyswim? But then equally i can't get him/us back.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 20/05/2015 21:18

He needs the gum to manage his depression so I can't really question it.

Fucking hell, OP, he's really done a number on you. Sack the gym off, he can go running and do bodyweight exercises.

He is royally taking the piss and I suspect there is no "business".

Would it be possible to wait until school hols then go down to your parents for a visit and see how things are? Sort of a trial separation?

Have you considered counselling?

Vivacia · 20/05/2015 21:24

Why don't you move back and agree that in six months' time you'll both see how the land lies?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 20/05/2015 21:32

So tell me what normal is? Is it words or actions?

Actions of course.

Words are just noise.

Ignore the noise.

What are his actions saying?

What are your actions telling him about his behaviour?

LineRunner · 20/05/2015 21:45

I agree with ignoring the wordy noise.

Look at the actions. Not good. Not good at all.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 20/05/2015 21:45

Fucking hell, OP, he's really done a number on you. Sack the gym off, he can go running and do bodyweight exercises.

exactly my point, it is exercise that is good for (well everything) not the gym, there are a million (slight exaggeration) free ways to exercise.

cleanmyhouse · 20/05/2015 22:23

It's really confusing when they use logic to explain illogical things, isn't it?
And everyone around you is going "what the fuck?" when you explain the illogical logic. But they're so pesuasive.

Listen to your mum. Get out.

How does he plan on paying bills when you're not there? Or does he expect you to pay?

Original poster

lordsandladies · 20/05/2015 22:36

You are right about the illogical logic and the word noise. Thing is I think in his mental state he believes the illogical logic!

His actions are better now than they were. But 100x away from ok.

clean I'm slightly afraid of that question as I suspect it'll be me.

OP posts:

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 20/05/2015 22:59

Move. Definitely. You obviously need space to clear your head.

If you stop paying bills then he might decide he has to move with you and then act all resentful.

Could you get lodgers to pay his bills?

AyeAmarok · 20/05/2015 23:27

OP, he has made you completely lose perspective on EVERYTHING, it seems.

Not one of the things you've posted about him, or his weird reasons for it, are logical, fair, or the actions of a supportive husband.

badbaldingballerina123 · 21/05/2015 00:25

He sounds like a manipulative lazy bastard Op. I think it's obvious what he's doing when he's out discussing "business" till midnight.

Any decent spouse steps up in a crisis. Eg Someone becomes ill , the other person looks after them. Someone loses their job , the other supports them till a new job is found. It's swings and roundabouts and should work both ways. All marriages have this unspoken agreement , that your spouse will step up when necessary.

The trouble is , some people exploit the crisis and drag it out. What should have been a short term crisis simply becomes a way of life. They're happy to stay in that role and be supported and looked after. They are all too aware of their priveledged position and intend to keep it.

I would say you've propped him up for too long. He's now not performing as an adult and appears to have very little in the way of adult responsibilities. Effectively he's now another child your responsible for. Listen to your mum.

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