A bit confused

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

I recently separated from my husband. Our relationship had been over for a long time (at least for me) but it took a while for me to get the courage to actually leave. I've got 2 small boys (5 and 2). I've recently started dating someone, we get on really well and I enjoy spending time with him. He initially said he didn't want a relationship and I have no intention of introducing him to my children as a boyfriend soon.

However, both my mum and dad are giving me a hard time about it, saying it's too soon and I should be seeing other people. I really don't think this guy would like it if I said I wanted to date other people, and when I'm with him I don't feel like I want to go out with others. But being with him is 'comfortable' rather than exciting and I can't help but wonder if I'm missing out on something.

I've never been in a relationship with someone who really ticks all the boxes. But I don't want to risk never seeing this guy again if I tell him I don't want to be exclusive.

Help. Sorry this is a bit disjointed, I'm not very good at typing on my phone.

I'm sure your parents want the best for you 'n' all that, but you really can't go arranging your love life to please them. They're right you shouldn't rush into something serious on the rebound, but if you do happen to meet a nice guy who floats your boat it seems a bit... unnecessary to date other people just because. If that makes sense. If nothing else, would you have the time/energy to see more than one?!

How soon is "recently" anyway?

Oh, one thing I just thought of, sometimes "you should be seeing other people" is code for "we're not very keen on this one". Do you think they may have a point...?

I only left 2 months ago, but I told my husband I didn't love him 2 years ago. There was no overlap, I've only been seeing this guy a few weeks. My mum has only met him briefly and my dad hasn't met him at all.

If you've only been seeing him a few weeks, surely you're not exclusive yet anyway? Unless you've both had that chat (which would definitely be quite early on for most relationships) I would assume that he was also seeing other people.

I think at only 2 months out from your marriage (despite you having emotionally detached some time ago) it is very early for you to get into a relationship of any sort, let alone a serious one. It doesn't surprise me that your parents feel similarly.

I think 'seeing other people' is weird and American. I think the more normal and indeed British way is to be either single, or in a relationship.

Most people struggle to find one person to 'see', never mind lots of people at once. If I'd had a second date with anybody I'd expect that they weren't dating anybody else.

Your parents don't want you to be hurt again which is understandable, but seeing lots of men instead of one is hardly the answer.

If he doesn't want a relationship maybe your parents are saying 'see other people' so that you don't get too attached to him?

He said he didn't want a relationship, but refers to me as his girlfriend. At the moment I like spending time with him, but wouldn't be devastated if he said he didn't want to see me again. I accept it's very soon after my marriage broke up and I didn't intend to get involved with anyone, but I needed a confidence boost, my ex had destroyed all my confidence. Now I just don't know what to do. Another guy has asked me to go for a drink and I'm tempted but worry about jeopardising things with the first guy. I'm just in a muddle.

He said he didn't want a relationship. Go for a drink with the other bloke. How can you jeopardise a relationship which doesn't exist (and you don't seem all that bothered about anyway?)

I am in a similar situation, casually seeing a bloke ( very casual ) ,I havnt even told my parents as they would be mortified, they think I should take time to get used to being alone and concentrate on the dc's. I don't think I would introduce any man to my house for a while though unless he was really special and comitted, I would be worried about my kids meeting my new man and then after a few months things don't work out so I would have to be very sure that he was the one first.

As for seeing other people, I know what you mean, the man I am seeing won't commit to anything so I don't class my self as 'dating someone', I'm happy to drink with other men but that's all, maybe because I have feelings for him ( more than he does for me)? I don't feel like I need anyone else but if after a while things are the same ( still no commitment ) then I may start looking for that elsewhere.

Your story sounds so similar to mine , I didn't plan on this either, I left my dh just over a month ago.

Just be very careful that you don't get hurt, I have a feeling I am going too though I'm trying hard not to let it happen. I have decided to just see how things go and take things very slowly in hope he wants a relationship when things have settled down. He is obviously going to be treading carefully as he knows you have just split up from your dh, he probably doesn't want to be the rebound so wants to take things slowly.

Go for a drink with the other guy. It's only a drink. If you subsequently decide you like number 2 better then I'd raise it with the first bloke.

It would feel dishonest to go for a drink with the other guy as I'm pretty sure the first guy wouldn't like it, so I wouldn't tell him I was going and as we chat most days I'd have to lie about where I was going. It just feels wrong. I do care about this, but I'm being extra cautious as I don't want to get too involved too quickly. I certainly won't be introducing him to the boys any time soon.

I think if the 1st guy has said he doesn't want to be in a relationship then I think you should go for the drink - can't you have a chat to guy 1 about it and see what he says?

Hmmm. In that case I would clarify with first guy what the parameters of the non-relationship are and go from there...

Maybe a 'comfortable' relationship is what you need right now?

Your parents may be well intended but at the end of the day you have to do what is right for you. As you've only recently split from your H I would suggest you take your time and date other people as and when you feel like it.

I really think you should go out with the other guy and see how it 'feels' just a quick drink after all won't hurt anyone.. But just saw this was few weeks ago so are u still with first guy? Or did you try second? Good luck anyway

Who are these grown people with children of their own that fear the disapproval of their parents ?

did being single again put you in a time machine back to age 13 ?

You say your STBXH eroded all your confidence, is all this angst over dating really going to help boost it? Are you really ready for dating and or an exclusive relationship, so soon after your coming out of difficult marriage?

"I accept it's very soon after my marriage broke up and I didn't intend to get involved with anyone, but I needed a confidence boost, my ex had destroyed all my confidence"

Did your ex destroy your confidence by emotionally abusing you?. I would actually look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme if that is the case.

You yourself can only boost your confidence, a man is not going to fill that emotional void for you. Love your own self for a change and spend time on your own finding out exactly who you are and what you want from a relationship.

I would also consider talking to a counsellor and start to unlearn all the crap lessons you've learnt about relationships along the way as well.

2 months ago you left your husband and now you have a new man who calls you his girlfriend? Not sure what your parents motivations are but seems to me that's way too fast. Have you just swapped the comforting domesticity of one relationship for another one? You should be relishing your freedom not tying yourself to a new guy weeks into single life especially someone who doesn't even get your heart racing.