Is it time to end it?

[HFarnsworth]

I'm really struggling in my relationship with DP and have been turning things over in my head. I'm in my late 30s, DP is a bit older and we have two DCs. We've been together for 13 years now.

After the death of a parent and a lot of stress at work, I was diagnosed with depression about a year ago, received counselling from my work and was prescribed antidepressants. In that time DP has barely even acknowledged that there is a problem, much less done anything to help me. All that ever seems to happen is that I get stuff piled on me - I am responsible for all the house renovations (we moved into DPs old family home which is a fixer-upper), including sorting out the financing. DPs family won't help regularly with childcare, so it is up to me to sort that out with my family. I work full time and use all my holidays for childcare, with the result that I haven't had a break from work in over four years, while DP holds onto holidays to take long breaks. I always get up at the weekends with the DCs so DP gets lie-ins, but I can't remember the last time I got one.

I recently had to leave my old job for a new post to keep my earnings up. When I DP I'd been offered this job (which is a status, if not pay, bump) the reaction I got was "How will this affect our childcare?" and "Have you discussed your flexible working?" rather than "Well done" or "Congratulations". There was no offer to celebrate, of course.

One of the side effects of my ADs is that I can get confused and forgetful - a few weeks ago I was out shopping and one of my DCs lost a favourite toy. I couldn't remember if we'd had it with us, or where the last place i saw it was. DP knew I felt terrible about this, and had had the day from hell with our other DC, but blamed me and went into a foul mood for the rest of the day.

There are other things related to how tired and overworked I feel, but basically I don't feel supported or loved, or that I am in a partnership, or even friendship. I am thinking I may be at the end of this road...

Yes it is time to end this relationship; you're getting nothing out of this now apart from being stressed and ill. This person has been partly responsible for the state you are in now.

You're also confused and forgetful precisely because you are being worked like a skivvy whilst the other person lives off the fat of the land and your labours. DPs also reverted back to childhood by going back to their family of origin's home. Its a retrograde step.

Is this really what you want to show your children about relationships, this is what they can expect as their "norm" in relationships?.

Have you told him all of this? What's his reaction?

I believe a relationship should end when issues have been clearly communicated and it's apparent that the partner isn't interested in your pain or in seeing your point of view, let alone working to to improve things.

The hope has gone if that's the case.

I have tried to discuss how tired I am, and have asked about DP using holidays to help me out, or trying to get the other grandparents to help out, but have been shot down every time. Whenever we discuss these things DP just shuts down and I get the silent treatment for a few days, then it's just back to normal.

He's a selfish bastard who hasn't grown up.

You surely can't be any worse off if you shed the bastard, can you?

You sound knackered on top of everything else. You'll be well rid

The main thing is I don't want to break up our DCs little home, and am hoping that things get easier once they start school.

So you have a husband but are basically a single mother in terms of dealing with the home and children.

Tell your selfish arse of a husband if he wants to remain within a family unit he needs to start contributing and participating in family life.

No lie in for years? Absolutely disgusting! He's a father? Really? Because the fathers I know actually get up with their children on a morning!

Did not congratulate you on your new job? Horrible! Congratulations from me.

I see your dc must be young, if I was you I would part from this useless man, give him the dc for two nights each week and take time to re discover yourself.

Then he can discover what a parent is actually supposed to do. Not just exist while someone else does all the leg work.

for you. Keep fighting for your rights as an individual.

Quitelikely

"So you have a husband but are basically a single mother in terms of dealing with the home and children.

Tell your selfish arse of a husband if he wants to remain within a family unit he needs to start contributing and participating in family life."

Thank you for your response, but it's not quite like that - I work full-time and DP is part time, so DP is home with the DCs for 2 days (hence why I get up for the weekend lie-ins). I use holidays to have childcare days at home with the DCs and try to do as much as I can housework-wise and balancing my job. I often have to do work at nights and during my days home with the DCs to keep on top of things at work.

You sound absolutely exhausted, and your "D" P sounds like a waste of space.

You have tried to raise these issues - he's basically told you to fuck off.

I would make plans to leave.

It doesn't matter if he is at home with the DC two days a week! You should still be getting a lie in each at the weekend.

You are putting everybody's needs and wants above your own and now you are paying the price.

Make a case for change in your life and start with your husband. His actions from there on in will tell you everything you need to know about the state of your marriage.