Celebrating - the good, the bad, the ugly

[thirteenandthreequarters]

I have namechanged for this post.

The recent Eastenders storyline about Kat and her abuse have made me realise that I was also abused as a child.

When I was 13, I met a 21 year old man. He made me feel special and grown-up. I was a child and was very naive about all things to do with sex. I told him I didn't want to have sex until I was 17. He just kept pushing the boundary of what I would allow and I was curious. When I had just turned 14 he just 'did it'. Sorry, I can't actually write the words.

We stayed 'together' for almost a year afterwards during which I felt obliged to have sex with him often. I thought I loved him and that he loved me. That I was special.

I haven't told many people what happened as I have always seen myself as a bad person for having sex so young.

What I have realised recently is that I was not a bad person. It was not my fault. I was an innocent young girl and he groomed me and took advantage of me. This realisation is something I want to celebrate. The first step is writing this post and putting it in black and white that it was not my fault. I am not a 'slag'. The next step is telling DH... if I can find the courage.

Thanks for reading :)

I'm so sorry you went through this OP.

You are absolutely right, you did nothing wrong. Please find the courage to tell your DH, and decide on your next step with his support

I don't have any experience of this myself, but I just wanted to say what a brave post this is, and my respect for you putting this out there and taking control back. Of course it was not your fault, children (and you were a child) have this wonderful quality of being trusting and seeing the best in people and wanting to be loved. That is totally normal. And an adult took advantage of that. That is not your fault, that was you being what children should be. Well done for getting where you have, good luck with moving forward, and utmost respect for you in dealing with this. You are being amazing, and for refusing to let this define you or be part of your history anymore. You will be fine.

I still find it hard to let go of the shame. All these years I have just felt ashamed. I never thought that perhaps I was abused. The realisation is both upsetting and a relief.

You are not a bad person. It was not your fault. You have been living with the thoughts and beliefs you were tricked into having. It is a painful thing to recognise, but it was already hurting you. Now you know where the wound is, and that is painful but also a relief.

It is very common to react by feeling shame. Not because you should, but because it's how our brains try to make sense of things. It's a way of coping, which we don't choose, it just happens, and you can end up feeling guilt and shame that are simply not yours. The shame you feel is not yours. It is his.

In case it helps to know this: you are most definitely not the only person who has not seen what happened at the time for what it was, who felt obliged to stay 'together'. You are not alone in this, but it must feel lonely and I am sorry about that.

I wish you peace and strength, OP.