10 things you shouldnt say after rowing with your wife B4 HANGING UP THE PHONE............

[hertsnessex]

my dh just called and we rowed............he said i make him feel like shit (after i told him i thuogh him tiling the kitchen was a crap idea.....), then said he wwas getting the train and had to go.......then walked back into the pub with his work colleagues and said:

She can just suck my cock.......

I'll be divorced by the morning........

I wouldn't cheat.....BUT......

She can have the house & the kids......

We'll be in seperate beds tonite......

I'll be sleepnig on alexs' sofa.........

Let's have a (£50) bet that i'll be divorced tomorrow......

Haven't had a leg over for 4 months......

I'll just say I was pissed and agree with her.........

FUCKING BITCH..........

so i shall be locking the door, he wont be coming in and he can go to hell........

im not going to take this.

i had a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 3yrs (2yrs before i met my dh) and he knows i wont take this sh!t.

im not mad, im getting even...........no one treats me like a d!ck and gets away with it. almost feeling empowered.

Well good luck to you. I am so sorry you have to take these steps. What a grim thing to happen.

herts - As an outsider, uninvolved in your day-to-day activities and relationship, it sounds like you both might need to spend some time together without the pressure on your attention and time that kids can bring. Certainly you need a break - going out three times in several years is not really adequate is it ? I would try and schedule a meal / film / coffee with a mate etc. or think of something you can do together as well, without the kids.

tbh, a lot of the stuff you overheard sounds like typical stupid male banter and bravado (which I'm not saying is good or big or clever ). If iit's in the context of sustained and similar treatment, that's different, but maybe you both need some couple time IYSWIM ?

hth

we said this week we need some time as a cpl, which we had planned to have a night out next saturday. however this has all come about since. i didnt realise he was that unhappy. apart from irregular sex........but i have had major surgery 3mths ago and since then it hasnt been great. but kids do take over. i accept that. he obviously doesnt. he is all apologies now, but making no sense. i think we need time apart to think about y we are together at all.

cx

oh herts, I have to echo hub's post.

It is bloody difficult when you have small children (and yours are close in age). I know he's been an arse but I think many men battle with the early years. I KNOW that's no excuse and I KNOW that means we (women) end up doing the lion's share of work but I wonder if deep down if you still love him (and he you), you could try and take a bit of time out together (without the children).

Sorry you are going through this.

i dont know what i want or feel right now.

not love, not hate, more indifference, which is even more scary.

ive said we need time apart to think about things and if we come back stronger great, if we seperate, then thats what is meant to be. whatever the outcome we both have tob e happy, and right now, were not.

thanks for all your support.

cx

well good luck

try not to be too hard on yourself - sounds like you've been through a lot recently. My two were close in age aswell and I found the early years very very tough (as did dh).

You might find though, that to both be happy, you actually have to battle through some issues, or positively make time slots in your schedules to be able to go through stuff IYSWIM. You're perhaps right that you'd both be happy / happier alone, but to try and find out if you'd be happier together (or if you can work to improve the happiness you feel together) would actually take a concerted (joint) effort IYSWIM.

And, FWIW, I don't think that 'battling through issues' is necessarily a 'bad' thing to have to do; it's just about trying to continuously improve and modify how you communicate with each other and negotiate what each person feels is acceptable, what each person has a personal goal and hwo that fits in with how they might want to be as a couple IYSWIM.

hth

Hope you manage to work it out, young kids are like a grenade in a relationship sometimes, but things can improve the older the kids get, well sometimes

hub2dee, i agree. my dh and i have been thru hard time since birth of baby. no sex for over 6 months and we still haven't used 1 pack of condoms and he's nearly 1. it does affect the relationship. major rows and general snappiness most of the time. have been times when i don't want this anymore, but try and think of the long term and how much better it will be for us and our ds if we can work it out. have hung on by skin of teeth. it is getting better at least (in bursts). hertsnessex, he didn't mean you to hear those things, so at least he wasn't being deliberately cruel (at that time) which is worse IMO and you know he didn't actually mean it, just drunken rubbish (I presume he lost his 50 quid bet!). He needs to let you get out too, though. Anyway, he can babysit once a week so you go out, and maybe once a month you can get someone else to babysit and go out together.

agree with all your suggestions and comments.

i think its best to have some time aparat for now and try to build on 'us' again once the air is clear.

he has lots of emotional baggage from his parents splitting up, which means he cant communicate things at the time (in case of a row) and then lets them build up to this.....

he is going to seek some help, and then we can try to build on us.

cx

Glad he is seeking help. We looked into RELATE but didn't go in the end. Not sure if others have had good experiences of them, but sometimes it is good if you can go together (so you know what he is learning too!)...Take care and hope all goes well in the end.

thanks. hes home and with the boys, im upstairs as i said it was his time with them and that he can/should leave once they are in bed. we'll see what happens.

cx

he's gone.

what am i meant to feel?........

oh you poor thing. do you think that this is a knee jerk reaction (i.e hungover,tired etc) are you glad he is gone?

Just read this thread. Wheres he gone? Have you spoken or have I missed a post?

Where has he gone?

we talked today and went round in circles. i said i can no longer carry on if im never sure of what hes thinking i.e. he says yes, but is secretly thinking no, and then this same situation errupts in a cpl of months time. he was drunk, but in my expereince the truth comes out when your drunk. the things he said to his work mates are unforgivable, and he still expects me to go to the xmas do!

i said we both need some space to think about what we both want, why he is feeling so 'pressured and down' and why we are together. i think its best to do that apart. absence makes the heart grow fonder......etc etc

im not sure where he has gone.

i was meant to be out tomorrow morning, but xcld that, so he doesnt have to be back til 3pm as i have my sisters 30th b-day do to go to, i arranged it, so cant miss it.

im not sure what i feel, indifference again i think.......

I'm no expert but is he having a sort of mid-life crisis. Y'know wants to go out gettin drunk, having a laugh acting like an 18 year old again? If so, maybe you should have a trial seperation it will give you both time to think and come to a decision about what yo want.

I, like you think what he said is unacceptable, yes we all say stuff after an argument on the phone but he ranted about personal things to his mates which is disrespectful.

thanks daisypops, i think we need a trial seperation for now. time will tell if we are meant to be together. now thats hes said he covers up his emotions etc so much, i dont knwo how much we TRUELY agree on IYSWIM.......leaves me kinda hanging wondering what our relatioship is based on and how long he's felt like this.

i am a strong characyer and person, andd after the hideous relationship i had before him i swore i would never let my self get hurt again. even though we got together 2yrs after other relationships ended i have found it hard to let my barriers all down, and now it seems i was proved right not to let them down, as i only end up getting hurt.......

herts, I was in a shit relationship for 5 years it took me ages to finally realise what a div he was. I swore I would never get hurt again and give 100% to a man. I did, and guess what... I got hurt again, much worse than first time round. I don't want to sound patronising but decisions like the one you and your husband have to make won't happen overnight. Thats what I leart. I used to want things one way or another straight away and my mum used to say just bide (sp?) your time and what will be will be. Sounds cliched (sp?) but very true. Both your emotions needs to settle down, making rash decisions now could end up been the wrong decisions. Just plod along, keep yourself occupied and things should fall in to place.x

thanks daisypops. i think ill go to bed soon and try and sleep. be wierd knowing that im here with my boys and hes not. i guess its just like any other night hes late after drinknig with mates though, and i dont have to smell the alcohol on his breath!

get a good nights kip if you can. Things are always worse when your tired. Do you know where he has gone?

Thing is you can only take so much, you sound like you were at the point when you couldn't take anymore crap so as hard as it is and as easy as it is for me to say just ride it out and keep us posted. x

he's at his dads.

sounds like you are a very strong character, and I mean that in a good way. I wish I could be a bit more like that and stand my ground with my dh when he upsets me..good luck