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Original poster

Husband stealing again

27 replies

Banking20 · 19/05/2015 20:47

I checked my bank account today and there were lots of small purchases that I didn't make. I told my husband and mentioned that I would have to ring my bank about it. He then admitted he had taken my cash card and used it. This is the second time he has done this. Around Christmas time he made quite a large purchase (over £100) using my card without telling me. This led to me going over my overdraft. At the time it resulted in us splitting up for a week or so. I took him back as he promised never to do it again etc. I just feel so disappointed in him. He has terrible spending habits (the reason we have separate bank accounts) and just can't seem to comprehend what he has done wrong. I have told him to move out for good this time but he is arguing that it's me being unreasonable. I need some perspective on this. Please be gentle.

OP posts:
faitaccompli · 19/05/2015 20:52

He stole money from you. And YOU are being unreasonable?

If you have joint accounts, then fair enough. But if you have agreed that you have separate finances, then there is no way it is acceptable for him to take money from you.

If he is not happy with the way the finances are split, then he should have discussed it with you, not stolen from you.

Sorry you are going through this - he is in the wrong as far as I am concerned.

bellybuttonfluffy · 19/05/2015 20:53

If he promised to do it again, and then still did it, it is he who is being unreasonable. It seems, as he did not tell you, that it is spending as a result of his mismanaging his money again. Was it frivolous purchases? Has he admitted to that?

Myself and my DH share finances but have our own separate accounts. I happily use his if I'm skint one month, and he will use mine vice versa. But there is always communication about this. I would find it hard to trust him again if I were in your shoes.

bellybuttonfluffy · 19/05/2015 20:54

promised not to do it again*

gamerchick · 19/05/2015 20:54

Well I'll give the husband my card if he needs to use it and visa versa but it's all our money I'm just weird about having my own bank account and not a joint one.

The reason for that is my long term ex stole from me and I couldn't make him stop.

While you're working it out in your head, change all your PIN numbers.

Quitelikely · 19/05/2015 20:58

Why did he steal? Why couldn't he ask you for money?

Does he have no cash?

goddessofsmallthings · 19/05/2015 21:00

If he's been using your card after he promised he'd never do it again, he's not just a thief - he's also a liar.

Where has he been making these purchases? Online or in shops? If he's needed to input your pin number, change it as a matter of urgency.

I couldn't live with having to keep bank/credit cards under lock and key in my own home. Can you?

Original poster
Banking20 · 19/05/2015 21:03

He says he had no cash but I don't understand why he didn't just ask me? He earns more money than I do as I am part time due to our small children. He made a flippant comment that it could be easily solved if I just changed MY pin?? As if it is my fault? He doesn't seem to understand how awful it feels not being able to trust your own husband. After Christmas I started bringing my hand bag and purse upstairs when I went to bed so he wouldn't have the opportunity to do but I'm fully aware this isn't normal behaviour. I'm half tempted to ring the bank and tell them someone has stolen my card, see if he is so bloody flippant with the fraud squad.

OP posts:
Hassled · 19/05/2015 21:04

How is your family cashflow - anything to spare or pretty skint? Do you generally have more money than he does? And what was he buying - necessities or just frivolous things?

Original poster
Banking20 · 19/05/2015 21:04

Yes to changing my PIN number, it's the first thing I'll be doing tomorrow.

OP posts:
Hassled · 19/05/2015 21:05

X post - sorry.

He's behaved like a complete bastard - sorry. You're right - having to bring your handbag upstairs at night is no way to live.

Original poster
Banking20 · 19/05/2015 21:06

I budget everything whereas he is frivolous and never checks his bank account therefore has no idea of his outgoings. He will keep spending until his card gets declined. Then obviously thinks he can just use mine.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 19/05/2015 21:09

Given you ended up in your overdraft at Christmas when he spent money that makes me think you don't have much money to give him. Are your finances split evenly or does he pay the lions share and that l eaves him short?

Either way it doesn't really matter - he stole then lied. I would be calling the bank and say you are the victim of fraud. I doubt you will get anywhere though because you gave your DP your PIN number so realistically it's your own fault.

rumred · 19/05/2015 21:12

Sounds like a selfish git to me. If he's willing to talk and sort himself out, there's hope. If not, why would you bother? Tell mutual friends and family and see what they think. Bet they won't be impressed

magoria · 19/05/2015 21:14

You are not being unreasonable.

You gave him a second chance, he shat all over it and you again.

He decided his right to your money was more important than his relationship with you.

You need to change all you bank details. On line, pin numbers and new card as he could have all the details stored.

Tell him if a single unknown transaction leaves your bank again you will go to the bank & police and report him as the low life thief he is.

BathtimeFunkster · 19/05/2015 21:14

Don't spend your life with a thieving, lying, spendthrift.

He thinks it's fine to steal from you even though you earn less than him.

I would call that financial abuse.

What an absolute prick.

Cherryapple1 · 19/05/2015 21:16

I would report him to the bank and police - theft is theft. No excuse.

Springintosummer · 19/05/2015 21:22

I would be taking the day off work tomorrow, ring in sick and then I would be calling the police, the bank, a divorce solicitor and a lock smith.

What would you do if a random stranger stole from you? Call the police and try and protect yourself from similar situations. This is worse. This is the man who you should be able to completely trust.

If my husband did this too me twice and would not feel loved or respected and I would never be able to trust him again. Your can't have a marriage without love and respect.

Original poster
Banking20 · 19/05/2015 21:25

you are all right. I can't have a marriage without trust and it shows he has no respect for me. I just don't know what to do now, where do I even start?

OP posts:
Springintosummer · 19/05/2015 21:29

If you are at work tomorrow, ring them tell them that your marriage has broken down/ you have been a victim of theft and take the day off. Will your DH be out? If yes don't tell him you are taking the day off.

Women aid will be able to help. You will need to contact the bank, police and solicitor. Others can advise on the legality of a lock smith. pack some stuff for him for a week.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/05/2015 21:45

From what you've said, it sounds as if he's been going through your handbag to get at your purse, taking your bank card and using it in shops as he knows your pin number.

Given his previous promise, if you'd wanted to make a purchase during one of the times that it was in his possession, no doubt you would have assumed you'd misplaced your card and turned the house upside down trying to find it - and then worried yourself silly that you'd left it in an atm/shop or it had dropped out of your purse.

If this had happened, I suspect he would have kept schtum and replaced the card in your purse/handbag when it was out of your view.

Sad to say, he's the type that will always add insult to injury and it's abundantly clear that he has no respect whatsoever for you.

FWIW I always keep handbag/purse by my bed at night - burglars can count on the fact that they'll only be able to steal it over my dead body. Smile

goddessofsmallthings · 19/05/2015 21:59

cross posted - I see you've moved right along to the most logical place, honey.

Stand your ground; insist on him leaving as he has reneged on his previous undertaking and make it clear that any trust you had in him which you managed to salvage after his previous exploit has now evaporated.

If you're married to the lying toad, check out solicitors who specialise in family law and ring round to see which one(s) provide a free half-hour initial consultation.

After you've made sure that you have enough cash to get you through until a replacement arrives, tell your bank your card has been misplaced and request a new one.

Blu · 19/05/2015 22:03

"I have told him to move out for good this time but he is arguing that it's me being unreasonable. I need some perspective on this. "You don't need to prove to him that you are not unreasonable - if his actions mean you don't trust him, and you don't want to be with him that's all there is to it. Even if yu were somehow being unreasonable, if you wanted him to go, that's all there is to it.

So sorry you are in this position, OP. It sounds a if he has a problem, a serious problem with money that he can't control. In which case , he will carry on like this. No normal person thinks it is OK to take and use someone's bank card without permission. You have to protect yourself: financially and emotionally.

comedancing · 19/05/2015 22:33

Is he gambling..often causes people to not care where they get the money or who they take it from

Uhohwhatisthat · 19/05/2015 23:11

End it now ! Sounds a bit harsh but I've been there my ex stole 1000's from me over the years each time I forgave him until last time when I discovered he stole £100 on the day DD was born . He even hid my bank statements thinking I wouldn't find out .

That's was 20 months ago and my life is 100% better now , no more hiding my card, money etc.

Original poster
Banking20 · 19/05/2015 23:36

How did you do it uhoh ? Just leave? It's so scary the thought of starting again but also liberating.

OP posts: