Narcissists. How do you deal with them?

[intothenevernever]

My mother is recovering from a major health event. Her sister, who is a nasty, spiteful cow keeps coming around unannounced under the guise of being caring. In fact she only wants to make spiteful and hurtful remarks which hurt my mum. I would LOVE to tell her to fuck off and never come back but that would cause WW111 in my extended family. How the hell can you deal with an unpleasant narcissist?

I didnt. I walked away and not before telling him exactly what he was. and why I was jettisoning him out of my life. I didn't go on to dissect why he was the way he was, either. No point. He was causing disruption in my life and family, I was sick of his nasty remarks and ways, he had to go. Period.

WWIII is better than your mum's health being further ruined, isn't it? Are the family going to keep quiet so this vicious woman can cause more upset? You don't need to appease her or anybody else. Tell her to piss off. Stop her coming round, stick to your guns. Sod your extended family, put your mum 1st tell them why, if they refuse to listen then so be it. They can host your aunt if they like, can't they. See how they like her then.

You really do have to be militant about not allowing unacceptable behaviour around yourself, or anyone you care about. Other people and their opinions don't matter when you are concerned about someone close to you and rightly in protective mode - she wouldn't get through the front door if it were me. I wouldn't care less who was offended, so what? Good luck and I hope your mum gets better soon.

You need to prepare yourself for her spiteful remarks.

'Did you mean to be so rude'

'Could you repeat that please'

'Hmmm not sure that's a fair comment'

Or don't answer the door to her....

Ignore them. It is the only successful way I have named to deal with them.

You can't reason with or successfully have a positive relationship with a narc.
In my experience I tried reasoning with my narc mother, but the only way to move forward and recover was by not having her in my life.

Ignore them. Completely blank them to their face if you have to.

It's honestly they only way.

SiL has NPD, it's taken over a year but I think she's finally got the message...

It might be time to risk WWIII.

Your mum doesn't deserve to have spiteful remarks aimed at her while she is unwell.

It will take courage, but it's better to defend someone who is vulnerable, and do what's right, rather than keep quiet because that's what everyone always does (or whatever the dynamics are for your family)

Ask her to call before she comes, at the very least.

How does your mum feel about her coming round?

Ignore her. Don't encourage her behaviour, play a different game. Don't try to defend your dear mum because you have no need to. Narcissists are a drain on your emotions, don't give her that amount of power. Don't lower yourself to get cross with her, she will just love it and go off on one of her self obsessed rants.

Google the traits of narcissists and read about strategies how to deal with people like that. You will never win with a narcissist so don't even go into battle with them.

I was (a hundred years ago) married to a narcissist and even now 16 years later it freaks him out that I ignore him completely. I don't even have to try to deal with him I have just removed him from my thoughts. I hope your mum recovers soon.

Hmm, well, I don't deal with it well, but crikey, it was refreshing telling my mother to get her head out of her arse and stop complaining about the fact "all" her friends are going on cruises and she isn't.

BTW I don't recommend this as a course of action. Generally i try to act with self-control.

Hi.

On a real downer this morning - struggling with narcissistic, lying cheater of a husband. Reading the suggestions here has made me feel better.

Narcissists are sneaky buggers - sometimes you end up questioning your own sanity. Their comments are always made behind closed doors and in public butter wouldn't melt in their mouth.

Sorry to hijack.

• "You really do have to be militant about not allowing unacceptable behaviour around yourself, or anyone you care about."

• "Google the traits of narcissists and read about strategies how to deal with people like that. You will never win with a narcissist so don't even go into battle with them.

I was (a hundred years ago) married to a narcissist and even now 16 years later it freaks him out that I ignore him completely. I don't even have to try to deal with him I have just removed him from my thoughts."

-"Ignore them. Completely blank them to their face if you have to."

XX

Try to disconnect emotionally if you can not be physically distanced from the narc. Every thought, idea, opinion, or pontifical decree should be met with an inward "so what" and an outward blank. Or go ahead and say it. Just be dismissive...a page out of their own handbook. If they challenge it say it is exactly what they would have done (quotes no charge)...
But ultimately, complete no contact is the way to go...that is really the only way to achieve an emotional disconnect- the holy grail. No hate, either: hate is a connection. Just like they don't exist to you any more than someone you don't know passing you on the street.
It is very hard and takes a lot of time to retrain your brain to think very differently about someone...(to over come training to be nice and have good manners) but it must be done to preserve your own mental health.

Thanks AndTheBandPlayedOn. I was actually searching for a Counsellor this morning - to help me deal with the burden of being married to a narc.

You are bang on with everything you say.

Don't engage. IME they try to be pally, long drawn out conversations with little digs in that you then feel you have to defend yourself again, which in turn feeds them. If you are to the point and stick to it they can't pick out which argument they want to go for and miss the ACTUAL point.

So, if she is on about something nasty be direct. "Why do you think mum wants to hear that now?" Rather than "you always do this, remember xyz, you did similar then too". However I'd say just don't engage - it's never worth it as they wilfully miss any points you try to raise that could possibly paint them in a bad light. They are experts at re-writing history for their own ends so anything you say can and will be warped and used against you even if it is only partly true.

CoastingAlongMUM You might find this thread here useful. And part 2 here .

intothenevernever, have you talked to your mom about her sister? Has she ever said anything at all about her personality? While your mom is ill, you might ask her what she wants to do about it presently. If your aunt is giving practical support (meals & housekeeping for example) then using her for a bit might be advantageous. (I can't believe I just wrote that-to use someone ) But anyway, it might be a case of choose your battles wisely. Make the Great Wall of China boundaries when your mom feels better? It is kind of a double edged sword at this delicate time.
If your mom's prognosis is not good, then I really don't see any point in waiting to set boundaries immediately. Require Aunt to abide by a visitation schedule-make an appointment.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

They are real life trolls. Don't feed them.