Taking the first step to see a solicitor. Scared. What happens?

[baaaabaaaaabaaaa]

Need to leave. In my mind I intend to leave this summer before my youngest DC starts Yr 10 in September so she is settled - as we need to move back to where we used to live. (we only moved here the end of last year).

Complex sitiuation as we are on the cusp of major changes happening in our lives which is what is pushing me to seek advice now rather than keep on delaying doing so as I have been for a while.

I am in a pretty shit situation with my marriage. It is unbelievably fucked up. If I told people what had been happening you would think I was a troll because only a fool would put up with what I have for so long.

I cannot get over my terror/shame/fear of going to see a solicitor to just get informed of what I can expect to happen upon seperation.

So can someone please tell me what happens when you go and see a solicitor for the very first time and say I think I want to seperate - what now?

What do I have to tell them. I am so ashamed of how my life has turned out and what I have been living like for so many years, I am cringeing at having to tell anyone, let alone face to face.

What financial info do I need to take with me? I dont have access to all of his payslips or pension plan info but do on our bank accounts.

Can anyone help me with a list of questions I should be asking?

Also, I am (if brave enough to go through with it) intending to see a local solicitor that offers an hours free advice. However, if I leave my husband I will be moving to where we used to live last year, a few hundred miles away, so I am guessing I will seek a local to there solicitor to actually deal with the matter for me, as having a local solicitor for where I will be living if that makes sense. Is this a bit too cheeky? Will I be obliged to stick with current solicitor? I need advice now before I decide how to leave.

DH is currently unaware that I am seeking to leave at the moment, although he knows our marriage is worse than shit. I have an inkling amongst all the major upheaval and big changes about to happen in our life he has a little plan himself, to his advantage. I have no proof of this but its a very vague inkling I have. I could be wrong but there you go, thats how crap things are here.

You sound very stressed.
I would say: don't add to your stress by trying to anticipate everything the solicitors will ask you. Just go there, see what they have to say, decide if you want to hire them.
They will tell you what info they need from you, and you can gather it then.
For now, you just need to tell them that you want a divorce, and let them take it from there.
If you suspect your husband to be manipulative or abusive, you can ask your local Women's Aid if they can recommend a solicitor experienced in dealing with such men.

Do you have any RL moral support? You sound like a person in need of a RL hug, cuppa, and heart-to-heart. Any good friend that you can meet with, or phone?

Thanks Goats.

Stressed and rather low at the moment to be honest. No my husband is not abusive. I don't think. Just selfish and a prolific cheater and prolific fantastic liar. I am not even 100% sure of what I am dealing with. I may as well be living with a complete stranger.

He has a double life and me and the kids are just being used as the respectable facade to his otherwise seedy life. I can't see any other reason why he is still with me. He has certainly check out emotionally. His penis is the most important thing in his life then his career. Me and the kids are just a nuisance with little use - other than the facade mentioned above.

I am living in a new area as well. We had to move with his job last Nov/Dec. I don't have anyone here but do have a lovely friend on the end of the phone.

I just feel so weighed down and don't know how to make a start of getting away from him, establishing a life with some sort of job and getting back to where we moved from (me and the kids). I feel at the bottom of a bloody great mountain and totally overwhelmed.

What makes it worse is that everyone including family thinks my life is perfect and that he is Super husband and Super Dad. No one who knows us would have a clue.

I agree with goats, just go to then solicitor and start the process

Is there any counseling you could tap into? I think you need to let go of it all, it would surprise you how supportive people can be

If it helps just get it all out here, you can always name change afterwards

Sending hugs to you baaa. Take a friend with you if you can.

I was terrified before I went to see a solicitor but the first apt is very much taking details of how long you've been married, children's dates of birth, etc.

You will want to know basically two things:
whether the children will live with you and how often he will want to see them
and
how much money you will get from sale of house, joint assets etc. Explain that you do not wish to stay in the marital home.

Citizens Advice/Turn to Us will tell you which benefits you are entitled to claim.

Unless you have been separated two years, I thing there are only two grounds for divorce
adultery, which you have to prove
or
unreasonable behavior (but you can cite a relationship with another woman as one of your reasons). The solicitor will write down everything you say - but you only need four or five instances of "unreasonable behavior" for the forms she has to fill in. And they don't have to be hideous things like "He tried to strangle me..." - they can be "He is emotionally distant and cold" type of things.

You might be asked to go to Mediation as if you can come up with an arrangement for the finances and the children between you, it will save going to court. If you are going to go to court, ask how much it will cost.

Ask how much it will cost if you don't go to court too.

I hope that helps. I found the legal process, obviously, to be very emotionally detached and mainly about finances.

Good luck.

Read this general overview of the divorce process: www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

At this early stage it's not necessary for you to take documents such as proof of his earnings/pensions, but you may find it helpful to compile a list of those problems in the marriage which have caused you to seek advice as 'the occasion' may cause you to forget salient details which you may wish you'd made mention of afterwards.

Don't be bashful about spelling it out - experienced family law solicitors have heard it all before and will have dealt with far more complex/distressing cases than your own.

You will be required to sign a document stating that you have consulted the firm of solicitors on the given day, but there's no requirement for you to instruct them to handle your divorce - if, in fact, that is the course of action you intend to follow.

The only way to climb a mountain is to put one foot in front of the other and begin moving upwards. The view from the top coupled with the sense of achievement at reaching the summit never fails to make the effort worthwhile

Go for it - your only regret is likely to be that you didn't do it years ago.