My life appears to have turned into an episode of Eastenders

[sarsiem]

Am in a state of shock. My H has had a female friend. They are involved in local amdram group. I've recently had a few suspicions that there was more to this than simply friendship. He usually isn't so secretive with his phone but lately hasn't let it out of his site. So Sunday morning I asked him what if anything was going on and he admitted that he has confided in her and that she is very understanding of our problems(!) He denied an affair and showed me his phone. He had deleted all her recent texts. Later on I remembered he likes to use whatsapp and surprise surprise lots of photos of herself sent to him along with hearts at the ends of the messages. I confronted him and he has denied that they are having an affair however they have apparently discussed that if things don't work out in the marriages they will give it a go. I am devastated. I can't stop crying but am trying to act as normal as possible in front of my daughters. ( nearly 14 & nearly 12)
I had to go to work today and present a PowerPoint. Luckily I have very understanding colleagues who cut me a lot of slack and are very supportive. I can hardly believe I am writing this and I'm not sure what to do. He has said today that if I had been a better wife then it wouldn't have happened. It feels like the end of the world.

Sorry you're going through this. As others have said though, this has got nothing to do with you. When a cheat is caught out, they will do anything they can to shift the blame away from themselves. When my daughters father cheated on me, he told everyone the relationship ended because I was unreasonable. Not because he had been shagging some bloke (yes, I also have an Eastenders-type life too lol) behind my back. You being a "better wife" has nothing to do with what he is doing, he is a grown man and can make his own decisions. The fact that they've made this weird pact of getting together if you two don't work out is just bizarre and makes me think there is much more to this than just infatuation. Maybe you should try counselling. I would start off by telling him if he thinks the marriage is fixable, the first thing to do is kick his fancy woman right to the kerb. Hope everything works out for you x

Is he staying elsewhere or has he moved back in?

Claiming that it's fixable and suggesting counselling is faithless twunt-speak for 'the ow's got cold feet and I'll be out in the cold on a limb if I don't suck up to sarsiem and get my feet back under the table'.

And then he had a dim wattage lightbulb moment - 'I know what to do - I'll be all sweetness and light, make her a nice tea, and suggest we can easily get the train which I chose to derail back on track... Sorted'.

If he suggests counselling again, flash him your most sardonic saccharine smile and say 'Marriage counselling for the three of us? But it wouldn't be right to exclude OW's dh - will you ask him when he's available to attend sessions or shall I?'.

You may be feeling pathetic at the moment, honey, but it won't be long before outrage sets in - how DARE the pair of them put you and her dh on trial, so to speak, while judging whether or not to bin you and how FECKING DARE he think you're naive enough to believe that they came to this mutual agreement without having first tried each other out in the dressing room bedroom department.

Is this how he shows his appreciation of his loving, loyal, and devoted wife of the past 20 years?

My blood's boiling at the nerve of him - and her!

I'm not saying that counselling should be ruled out, but you've had a helluva shock and you need time to process the enormity of having your world turned upside down because he couldn't keep his flies zipped

At the moment you're on a rollercoaster ride of emotions which will temporarily cause you to not know whether you're coming or going, but take heart, honey; the brain mush will firm up and you will be able to make the clear-headed decisions necessary to reassess and redefine your needs and work out whether you want your future to include or exclude him.

In the meantime, use this thread to vent and offload and regard it as your personal but entirely anonymous diary which charts your progress - in the not too distant future you'll look back at it and wonder how you survived came so far so fast.

He's back because
A) his leading lady has decided to stay with her husband
B) he can't be bothered with the upheaval now it's all coming to a climax

It doesn't matter if he wants to go back to normal. If you don't, then don't.

And I would be BOILING that he be the one to decide whether your marriage is fixable. Actually if it were me, that would seal the deal and I would be telling him to pack a bag.
There are two people in a marriage and the only person he has thought about through all of this is himself.

He was staying somewhere else but slept upstairs in our loft last night. He just keeps saying this is so fixable. He even left a note for me this morning on top of a photo album left open on a picture of us on our honeymoon???
My eldest has her birthday a week today so I don't want to tell my dd's before then really but as a friend said there will always be some reason why the timing isn't right. There is no right time.
I feel calm when he's not here but utterly confused and upset when he is here.

Relatively calm

How manipulative is that?? The note on the honeymoon picture, I mean. He must think you are a fool.

I felt similar to you, when my STBXH's affair came to light. Calm when he wasn't around, confused and anxious when he was. Looking back it was because of his manipulation of me, trying to control the situation.

You must do what you feel to be right. Not him, or anyone else. I'll tell you this though, we tried to make it work, but for me it was hell. No peace of mind, constant worry and hurt. That calm and peace descended for good once he moved out and wasn't constantly trying to drag me into his drama.

Nobody ever wakes up in a full blown affair, it all starts in the mind, probably before they even meet a candidate.

He even left a note for me this morning on top of a photo album left open on a picture of us on our honeymoon

Ugh, how cheesy and predictable.

It sounds like you haven't had enough time to decide yet what you want to do. I would ask him to move out for at least a month.

You are making this far too easy for him to basically play you.

He loves you both, in other words, if it doesn't work out with one of yours, he's got the other.

Get him out - you will not be able to think clearly at the moment with him hanging about you - your children will know anyway from the awful atmosphere so spare them this by telling him to piss off until you decide you are ready to talk to him.

He thinks it's fixable, when he's going between the two of you - seriously wise up OP, he is playing you like a fiddle, get your self respect back and concentrate on yourself and the children, let him fend for himself now.