Advice from stately homes people on how to help my niece

[MrsCornish]

DB divorced 10 years ago. I haven't seen ex wife since before then but regularly see DB, niece (aged 18) and nephew (19). ex is unstable, and manipulates my niece telling her she's going to kill herself, not letting her move out to go to uni, won't her learn drive, basically clinging on to her emotionally. DB gets furious about this which puts my niece in a horrible position, feeling whatever she does, placate her mum or resist, to please her dad, will end badly for her. huge emotional burden for her with both parents behaving appallingly. I have tried to explain this to DB but he can't take it on board. I just want to help her, or find her the best help I can. I have suggested she talks to college counsellors, but I don't think she will. I've offered to go with her somewhere but I think she knows her mum will find out and make life hell for her. She says she loves her mum very much but can't bear to be her emotional support any more.

Has your niece approached you directly to talk about this?

The best thing for now might simply be for you to listen to her, empathise, but not try to tell her what she should do. Just be there as an "enlightened witness" and if she starts to take steps to her freedom (e.g. driving lessons) help to facilitate that.

It also might help to point out to her that her mum cannot prevent her from driving, going to uni, or doing pretty much anything she pleases. She's now an adult, and her mum is not her boss.

yes, she has often talked to me. I reiterate that she is old enough to do what she wants, and that she can come to me for anything I can help her with. But the fear of upsetting her mum is paralysing her. i can continue to listen and encourage, but I wondered if there is anything more concrete I could do.

You must tell your niece that unless she wants to stay with her mother until the day she dies she is going to have to face upsetting her. It is best that she does it right now.

Tell your niece that although she thinks she is helping her mother, she is actually enabling her poor behaviour. Advise her that if she stops playing this role it will force her mother to get genuine help. The GP or the MH profession will step in and sort it out.

A young 19 year old can't solve this.

Remind her that although she feels a sense of loyalty towards her mother it is all very unhealthy.

Say you'll be there for the fall out.

Your niece must be brave. Encourage her in that sense. Sorting it now will force her mother to confront the situation.

Convince her of that. Make her understand that her role in this is feeding the issue.

Good luck

Thank you. You have confirmed my thoughts. I will note have to convince my db of the same.

She is still very young and is actually showing a remarkably clear head:

She says she loves her mum very much but can't bear to be her emotional support any more.

It is very good that she can see this. I know it's hard but you need to avoid being yet another person who tells her what to do but try instead to simply encourage her to think about what she wants and how she can get it. So making her aware of options is good but try not to push, however much you want to.

Also, baby steps. Start with something small. Driving lessons = big. Moving away = big. She needs to take a much less threatening small first step before climbing those mountains.

oh dear god your poor niece. Threats of suicide are appalling.

I think quitelikely and peppermint have got the right approaches.