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Original poster

Feeling uncomfortable with DH cousin's cuddles

48 replies

ILovedThe90s · 18/05/2015 18:48

At the weekend, DH and I were visiting his Aunt and his cousins. His Aunt's not been well with a recent hospital admission so went with the kids to see how she is. His Aunt has been through a lot with her DH, he has mental health issues and left her and the 4 DC without warning a few years back and went to another country to remarry. That didn't work out and he's now living round the corner to them, but only makes contact when it suits him and causes them all sorts of grief when he does. Despite all this, the Aunt and kids only speak well of him which I think shows how lovely they all are. The DC are now all in their 20s.

I just wanted some advice and I feel I can't ask anyone in RL. When we were there, the youngest DD (20) sat on her uncles lap stroking his head and cuddling him. I felt so uncomfortable. Her Aunt didn't say anything. Then later on, she was cuddling up to my DH and stroking his chest. I mentioned to him later on that it made me feel uncomfortable and he said all this stuff about how she's quite needy, and hasn't had a proper father figure in her life etc. I understand she's had it tough, but I felt her behaviour was inappropriate for a 20 yo. I said to DH it's sexual, whichever way she means it, she's young and pretty and it's not appropriate for the man (whoever it is) to encourage it. I'm also thinking about saying to DH that if I see her do that again to him, I will say to her that's it's not appropriate if he doesn't move away. Aibu to say that? Her DM or DB or DS didn't seem to notice. Is it just me? I mentioned it in passing to my SIL and she has also noticed the same and also felt uncomfortable, so it's not just me being jealous, if that's what anyone might think, DH thinks he's being like an older brother that's all, and the uncle as well I'm sure, its just, well felt wrong.

Any advice greatly appreciated. Do I mention things?

OP posts:

fedupandduckedfoff · 21/05/2015 21:08

I think its quite unusual for grown women to do this. Maybe I am repressed but I am no more likely to sit on my Dad's knee than he is on mine.

I really really would not be touching another man's chest or ears either.

Appreciate that some people might think that says more about me than anything else but I find it quite unnatural to touch most people.

Vivacia · 21/05/2015 21:55

This is what I'm thinking fedup. I just can't picture grown women acting like children in this manner and everyone accepting it.

Original poster

ILovedThe90s · 22/05/2015 07:58

Would you tell her though that it wasn't appropriate? Or maybe tell her sister and hope she tells her?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 22/05/2015 08:21

I don't know, I'm finding it very difficult to picture

I know that I'd think it was DP's responsibility to sort out though, and I'd expect him to take my concerns seriously. To be honest, he really wouldn't need this one spelling out.

TokenGinger · 22/05/2015 15:37

Sorry to those who addressed posts to me for the delayed response. I wasnt being rude.

Vivacia, yeh I guess it was just context as opposed to advice. It's a bit of an odd subject so I'd try not to give advice on something I know little about. Apologies if it came across that way x

Jean - To be honest, it's a running joke in my family. So although people occasionally comment on it, it's more in jest. My mum actually had my 21st birthday cake make with ears on made out of icing because she thinks she's hilarious. I'd never just touch a randomer's ears. My granddad or one of my younger cousin's will be like, "Ohhhh, ginger, I've got a present for you! My ears are cold!" And to be honest, it's mostly just that - them joking around and taking the mickey but sometimes I will just double check that they're not too cold that they might fall off.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/05/2015 15:46

Good lord, I haven't sat on a relative's knee since I was about 10. Very wired. Are your DH and the other uncle the girl's mother's brothers? I'm a bit lost here.

Original poster

ILovedThe90s · 22/05/2015 17:28

DH Uncle is the one who left his wife and kids. The wife (Aunt) is only about 8 years older than DH, she married at about 16 yo I think, and had 4 kids. Her younger brother is the other man I was talking about. DH is 1st cousins with the girl.

Clear as mud?

OP posts:

prepperpig · 22/05/2015 17:38

Token sitting in your uncle or grandfather's lap at age 25 and playing with their ears is just as weird as the behaviour the OP's niece is exhibiting. It's very odd. I wouldn't sit on my dad's lap let alone a more distant relative like an uncle. DS2 does it to me (he strokes my earlobe or my little finger to get to sleep and has done since birth) but he's seven!

But this is about the OP so OP I think you're right to feel weird about it and I would be telling my DH in no uncertain terms that I'm not comfortable with it and next time she attempts it he needs to immediately get up and make a cup of tea.

TokenGinger · 22/05/2015 18:15

prepper - You are entitled to you opinion, but I don't think it's weird. Maybe I just haven't contextualised it very well. I won't sit on my granddad's lap on the sofa being cradled like a baby. We have a huge family. Every Sunday, there's usually about 15 of us in the kitchen for a roast dinner. Around a table for 8. At one point or another, there's usually one of us perched on another's lap. Even when I sit on my auntie's knee (who's only 29), I'll flick her ear or twiddle her hair or something.

I guess I was much like your DS2, doing it at that age since birth. I've just never stopped. However, I do it to get to sleep. And and such, I'm mostly on my own in bed (sometimes the dog might take liberties and feel he deserves a pillow) so I usually play with my own ear!

JeanSeberg · 22/05/2015 19:19

The more you try to offend it the weirder it sounds. I'd stop digging that hole.

AspieAndNT · 22/05/2015 19:37

TokenGinger - you are coming across as very odd.... very very odd.

Fugghetaboutit · 22/05/2015 19:59

TokenGinger · 22/05/2015 20:20

No hole being dug, in my opinion. Nor am I trying to "offend" it I think you mean defend. I honestly couldn't give two shiny shits whether people think I'm weird or not.

JeanSeberg · 22/05/2015 22:09

Why the need to tell us all?

fedupandduckedfoff · 22/05/2015 23:19

oh come on.. think you're being a bit unecessarily hostile to ginger. I really can't imagine a situation where 15 people are sharing a table for 8 but me and my family are just so very very not like that! But I do realise other families are different though and have completely different boundaries.

Having said that I still think the OP's niece behaves a little oddly.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 23/05/2015 00:18

Ginger your family sounds like mine. I like it.

OP yes this young relative sounds a bit kooky but it is absolutely not your place to call her on it, or to insist someone else does

StaceyAndTracey · 23/05/2015 08:06

Shirley - I'm please for you that you like the touching that goes on in your family

But the OP doesn't like it . That's fine for her to feel differently from you . And it's fine for her to feel uncomfortable with a 25 year old women fondling Her DH and to ask her DH not to participate in it .

She says it feels wrong to her and I think she should trust her feelings . We generally have good instincts about touching and when it is or is not sexual .

I don't think anyone has suggested the OP calls her out on it or insists that someone else does

Rivercam · 23/05/2015 08:20

When I read the op's title, I presumed the cousin had given dh a hug, which for some families is totally normal ( we're not a huggy family, so I feel awkward when I get an unexpected hug).

However, actively sitting on his knee and stroking him is weird, even if they are a touchy, freely family. It's what a toddler would do, and what 20 year old sits on someone else's knee, apart from a boyfriend.

A hug on arrival or leaving fine, sitting on lap, not fine.

Rivercam · 23/05/2015 08:23

I think Token situation is different in that people sit on each other's lap for practical reasons, and they are obviously a more tactile family. In op's situation, niece has seeked out dh and sat on his lap. This behaviour is not normal for op's family.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 23/05/2015 09:57

it's not the OPs family. she has no place at all in telling this woman how to behave.

Original poster

ILovedThe90s · 23/05/2015 10:10

Thing is, I don't like another woman touching up my man. I don't care that she's his family, first cousins can legally get married. She didn't cuddle any other woman whilst we were there, including her Mum who was poorly.

I would like to say "Hands off my man, bitch!" but I don't think that would go down very well with the rest of the family. And I'm far too nice/shy/non confrontational in RL to really say anything at all.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 23/05/2015 12:50

What's your DH saying about it now, and when's the next fondling session due?

Original poster

ILovedThe90s · 23/05/2015 17:05

I'm venting on here so I haven't said anything to him since that one conversation a few days ago. I think that enroute to the next fondling session, I'll remind him. Tbh, now that I've said it felt like "sexual" not "sibling" affection, he'll probably feel really embarrassed if she does it again to him.

If that fails, maybe I could snuggle up to her brothers? Say I thought it was a family thing. They look more like Mr Bean than George Clooney, but beggars can't be choosers

Probably have to visit again soon, scan results not looking very good

OP posts:

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