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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

when to give a key?

14 replies

wonderingsoul · 18/05/2015 18:40

boyfriend and I have been together 4 months.

early days I know; but he makes ne feel safe, attractive; respected, I fancy the pants of him and theres a feeling of peace when im with him, my children like him a lot, he jells with my friends really well, im fast faling in love with him.

my question is. do I give him a key to my flat, not to move in but as a sign of moving onto the next step and trust? he also works swing shift so it would nake it easier if he could let himself in at stupied acolck instead of me having to get up

this is a major thing for me to do so I was wondering when you did the key talk?

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 18/05/2015 18:42

I think if you have to ask it is probably too soon for you.

isseywithcats · 18/05/2015 18:43

far too early yet my partner and i waited till we moved into together after 13 months together as a couple and he moved out of his house and i moved out of mine and we moved into a different house together, but no way did he hve a key to mine beforehand

VanitasVanitatum · 18/05/2015 18:44

I would give him a key in these circumstances, just because it's convenient, I definitely wouldn't make a big thing of it though, no accompanying 'talk' or anything, just next time you have to get up at stupid o'clock say 'right, that's it, I'm getting you a key cut'.

I don't have kids though so only myself to consider. How much do you know about him/his background etc?

LineRunner · 18/05/2015 18:46

Oh lord that's very early on for everything, really. OH and I swapped keys after about a year - and after two years we still text to let each other know we are coming round! (Mostly so we don't walk into a bloodbath of screaming teenagers, to be fair.)

We are old gimmers, mind.

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 18/05/2015 18:50

vanita he is military and i have met his parents and sisters, but yes it its more convenient to aswell.

alternative you may be right, i want to, but if i was 100 percent id have done it already? maybe in a month or so ill be fully there?

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 18/05/2015 23:27

Big red flag waving at me that the first word you use to describe how a new boyfriend makes you feel is "safe".
What's going on there? Have previous relationships had you not feeling safe?

Tbh, a key to me for a shift worker would be a convenience not a milestone.

You don't sound comfortable with this at all, so slow down.

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 19/05/2015 07:23

I had a abusive marriage 6 years ago, this is the first relationship since, so tbh it is weird sometimes.

I think I used safe as to describe that I can be myself which is hard even with people in general.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 19/05/2015 07:26

It's too soon.

mummytime · 19/05/2015 07:53

I think it is too soon for you even to have introduced your children to him.

Have you dealt with the effects of your abusive marriage?

I would suggest you take things slower. Yes you fancy him. But have you taken a break from him - have a week without him and see how you feel. Don't give him a key for months yet. There is no rush!

Original poster

wonderingsoul · 19/05/2015 08:00

mummy i have, i have used the SIX years to do so i have built my boundries up, i no longer let even friends take advantage of me, i am a lot more assertive then i have ever been in my life, i have respect and love for myself and i will not let any one make me feel other wise.

i introduced him to my children, because they asked to meet him, we have spent a week or two a part due to his work all ready.

OP posts:

YazooAddict · 19/05/2015 08:53

I agree with others - if you need to ask then it's probably too soon.

That said, and given the fact that the decision is entirely yours and based on your relationship then the responses which state 'I didn't do that until x months/years so therefore it's too soon' don't really help, IMHO. Your relationship is unique and should be treated as such. Many successful marriages were the result of a very quick engagement and others fail after years of being together and a recent marriage. Who's to say what's right?

You should introduce him to your children when you feel it's right. Than could be 3 months or 3 years - there's no rules here. The same goes for a key.

Practically, when you trust him enough, give him the key. A compromise would be to get a key cut and give him the 'spare' when he it due to work late?

Whatthebobbins · 19/05/2015 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 19/05/2015 09:05

4 months is very early to have met your children and have a key in my opinion. Surely you're still in dating territory?

YazooAddict · 19/05/2015 09:14

of course I omitted to say: just because decisions are made based on knowledge of a situation doesn't mean that posters on the Internet cannot fill in the gaps based on their own personal experiences of completely different situations then judge you on them...

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