First of all, I have BPD. That makes it really hard for me to have healthy relationships. I find it hard to cope with other people. But equally, I'm not good at being alone.
I have been seeing a guy for about 4 months. I live abroad, he is from here. There are a lot of cultural differences.
90% of the time, we get along well. But when we don't, it's awful. We had an argument on Saturday and I have felt awful (as in suicidal) since.
On top of that, he has said some really disparaging things about women, which I hate. Stuff like how all women from his country are gold diggers. (He never says anything bad about me personally.)
Another issue is sex. He wants it a lot more than I do. It's starting to upset me that I have to say no so often. I wish he'd just let me come onto him sometimes. I get sick of him saying 'oh please, I'm so horny' and stuff. It's just not sexy to have someone beg and once I've said no, it should mean no. More than once I've given in just because I can't be arsed with him asking again and again.
I know how bad it all sounds. The thing is, if I leave, I know what will happen. I will have a massive flare up of anxiety and dissociation that will leave me paranoid and anxious and depressed for months. This happens with every break up. I feel too weak to go through that right now.
I feel stuck.