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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving relationship or not?

5 replies

whitecandles · 18/05/2015 14:41

First of all, I have BPD. That makes it really hard for me to have healthy relationships. I find it hard to cope with other people. But equally, I'm not good at being alone.

I have been seeing a guy for about 4 months. I live abroad, he is from here. There are a lot of cultural differences.

90% of the time, we get along well. But when we don't, it's awful. We had an argument on Saturday and I have felt awful (as in suicidal) since.

On top of that, he has said some really disparaging things about women, which I hate. Stuff like how all women from his country are gold diggers. (He never says anything bad about me personally.)

Another issue is sex. He wants it a lot more than I do. It's starting to upset me that I have to say no so often. I wish he'd just let me come onto him sometimes. I get sick of him saying 'oh please, I'm so horny' and stuff. It's just not sexy to have someone beg and once I've said no, it should mean no. More than once I've given in just because I can't be arsed with him asking again and again.

I know how bad it all sounds. The thing is, if I leave, I know what will happen. I will have a massive flare up of anxiety and dissociation that will leave me paranoid and anxious and depressed for months. This happens with every break up. I feel too weak to go through that right now.

I feel stuck.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/05/2015 14:47

It does sound bad. I don't think it's a healthy relationship for you. Do you have a good mental health team around you?

whitecandles · 18/05/2015 14:50

I have nothing. Where I am has a huge stigma against mental health problems, so I have no support. I had a therapist who I spoke to on Skype, but I can't afford to pay her atm.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 18/05/2015 15:18

I don't think you are in the right space to be in a relationship at all, let alone this one. He doesn't exactly sound like a catch Confused

Why are you abroad - for work? Is there any way you can get more support for your MH issues?

whitecandles · 18/05/2015 15:25

Yes, I'm working here until March.

The thing is, in some ways, my mental health will decline if I am alone. Yes, it will get better in other ways, but I am really bad at managing my lows at the moment. He is always there for me when I feel bad. When I was sick, he brought me food, when I was really upset one time, he held me while I cried.

It is not all bad.

Yes, I deserve better. I know.

But I can't stand being alone in this country.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 18/05/2015 15:36

OK, so you're weighing up:
Pros - he acts as a friend would in helping you out through your lows
Cons - he has offensive views and badgers you for sex

I guess you have to decide whether the pros outweigh the cons, and that will largely depend on how bad your lows are at the moment.

I suggest you do consider though whether the relationship may at some point tip over into making you feel more lower than your "natural lows", if you know what I mean - especially since you mentioned you had an argument this weekend which has plunged you into a very low period :(

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