I wonder if I could get some advice/opinions
I'm in middle of a really difficult divorce from sexually abusive and EA man who I married young and was my first relationship. That ended 6 months ago approx. I'm a sahm, looking for work, trying to rebuild my life. Most of my energy is spent looking after my children and dealing with divorce at the moment. My social confidence can be pretty rubbish and I've never had a male friend and have led quite a sheltered life in many ways. I'm having counselling at the moment.
I was recently asked out by a guy I met through work. Never worked with him though, just shared building space. He's v good friend with some people I worked with. I first had a proper conversation with him around the time my divorce papers were served as I sat next to him during a Christmas lunch. Since, he'd always been friendly but just brief work-oriented polite chat, and I didn't see him that frequently at all. In past two months he did invite me to his birthday party (I didn't go as no babysitter) and to something he had tickets for (again I didn't go), he invited other people to both but in hindsight I did realise other people far more likely to have been asked hadn't.
I fobbed him off by saying my divorce was really awful. I gave him a blanket no. But how I feel is different. I would actually like to see him as a friend because I like him and talking to him. He didn't push it when I said no, he said he understood and I knew where he was if I wanted to talk to him or needed anything. He's a widower and maybe realised I would be in a 'rebound' situation. I'm not sure.
I feel maybe I'm passing on an opportunity of making a friend because I'm too scared. Scared of getting too attached to someone who won't care or will want to run away when they know the sort of life I put up with for so many years. Scared of being abused again - my stbxh was so awful in the last few years that it wouldn't be difficult to seem nice even if he wasn't. Scared of repeating history as there's an age gap & difference in 'status', though this guy is 10 years younger than my stbxh and in completely different job. This guy seems kind and respectful. But that's in the professional environment and I made such a bad error of judgment with my stbxh that I feel maybe I'd better steer clear in case I make another error that I can't see at the moment. My priority is also to get through this divorce, make sure my children and I are ok and achieve some independence so I can give my children a decent life and not rely on my stbxh. I know there isn't much or any room for anyone else and I certainly couldn't handle anything complicated.
Anyone has any ideas how to proceed and would you think it was a bad idea to suggest being friends? What he said makes me think he fancies me so is it possible to work? I mean, would a guy who did be happy to just be friends, as long as I explained? Or would explaining (and to what extent??) leave me too exposed? I feel completely clueless really. That's why the blanket no felt easier. I've mentioned it briefly to three people in real life. My therapist gave a resounding no, thinks it's not a good idea at all at this stage. Relative says to go for it I deserve to be treated nicely and see what happens. Counsellor thinks it would do no harm as long as I set my boundaries (friendship) and stick to them. She said waiting won't make me less scared and in fact could be the opposite. Maybe it's unfair on the other person though?
Sorry this is so long. Thought it would be easier to give the whole picture to begin with.