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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone told you they weren't sure if they were ready for a relationship and it turned out ok?

14 replies

quirkycutekitch · 18/05/2015 07:05

I was due to have date 4 on Saturday but the guy cancelled because he's not sure if he's ready for a relationship - but wants to take it slowly.

We've both come out of long term relationships & I thought we were just at the getting to know you stage & was just happily tootling along and enjoying his company - not even sure myself if I want a full on relationship.

Am I wasting my time if I carry on dating him?

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 18/05/2015 07:12

I'm afraid in my experience that means "I'm going to dick you about while attempting to retain the moral high ground as a sensitive, wounded soul who's just trying to do the right thing". Sorry.

Giraffeski · 18/05/2015 07:14

DP fucked me about a bit at the beginning like this, am afraid it didn't get better until I issued an ultimatum, which you don't sound like you are at the appropriate stage for. Six years later and we are engaged and have two kids.

Whatamayday · 18/05/2015 07:17

Read the other date 4 thread above yours! That will tell you what you need to know.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/05/2015 07:17

everytime I have used this reason to break up with someone or someone has used it with me it means 'I am not getting enough back from this (connection, fun, potential) to make it worth continuing with the effort of seeing you'
I would cut your losses.

Nevergoingtolearn · 18/05/2015 07:18

He could just be scared of his own feelings, he. Any really like you but be scared that he will rush into things so is trying to slow things down?

If neither of you are really ready for a relationship then why not just be friends until you are? You. At just drift apart anyway of things might work out.

katrinefedora · 18/05/2015 07:29

In general, it could be either really.

I think especially if you met OD, there IS a lot of pressure on both sides to "make your mind up".

I agree things like sexual exclusivity are important to be open about (if only for the health aspect) and also if you're on a tight schedule exclusivity is good to discuss.

but dating is about both of you just spending time together and seeing how things go?

It shouldn't be gendered, with a woman wanting the guy who will "choose" her straight away and a relationship for the sake of being in one.

The culture of dating can be fun, but also it puts pressure on both parties : some of the best couples I know met through just spending a lot of time together platonically and evolving naturally.

That said, I think THIS guy is a timewaster and will be an energy drain.

The fact that he's felt the need to tell you what he thinks you think (as opposed to actually having a conversation) and cancelled rather than have a proper appropriate discussion implies that

(1) he lacks social skills and is a bit passive-aggressive

(2) he's one of those guys who likes to fantasise that all women are the same (rather than individuals) and because they have a vagina are Bridget Jones and trying to get him up the aisle next month.

(3) like others have said, he's maybe thinking he wants to keep his options open

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/05/2015 07:46

Scared of his own feelings 3 dates in? Come on.

Wotsitsareafterme · 18/05/2015 09:09

Dick head alert! I am never tolerating this again! I will be posting on my next old profile that I'm not interested in recently separated/divorced with no post split dating history I have had enough!!!
Hth

niceupthedance · 18/05/2015 09:12

IME cancelled dates are usually because they have a better offer. Sorry. I think if you 'take it slowly' you may find you are on the back burner.

bberry · 18/05/2015 09:20

Doobigetta hits the nail on the head....

He's not ready/interested fir whatever reason... So spend your time finding someone else who is ...

DaysAreWhereWeLive · 18/05/2015 09:21

I think it's code for 'I'm just not that into you' but without the actual balls to say so.

TurnipCake · 18/05/2015 09:33

Sounds like he had a better offer, gave you a BS excuse to keep you on the backburner. Time to flush this one

quirkycutekitch · 18/05/2015 17:21

Thanks for your replies

doobigetta that's what I'm worried about - but I don't give 3rd chances so I guess time will tell.

nevergoingtolearn that's how he's explained it to me - and what I want to believe but I'm sceptical.

It's shame because I feel much more cautious of him now & before it was all very comfortable.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 18/05/2015 17:35

A friend of mine was casually dating someone.

A few months in, he came out with a similar line but wanted to carry on with a FWB relationship.

She told him to stick it. A week or so later he came crawling back and they are happily married 15 years and 2 kids later.

But they were quite young. I think once you get past the age of around 35, you need to tell the game players to jog on.

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