How can you ever love yourself if your mother didn't love you?

[relentlessloss]

Does it ever hurt less?

Since I had my DD two years ago I cannot stand the pain.

In the same situation, OP.

Sometimes I edge towards making my peace with it, but it all falls apart when it comes to romantic relationships. The slightest hint of rejection and I'm a mess.

Sorry you're going through this too.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I don't know the answer.

The older I get and the older my DC get the more I get angry at my mother's past behaviour and find her present behaviour intolerable.

On the face of it my life has worked out well: I'm successful, have a lovely family, I'm financially secure. I have friends and hobbies, I travel etc etc but I feel empty in side. I have cripplingly low self esteem and I'm not sure I know what love is. I know I should be happy but it's like something is missing.

I wish I knew

I'm so sorry for anyone who is in this situation. The trouble is, I try to 'fix' the past all the time, that just makes me even more sad. I try to 'just' get on with it and show her how wonderful I am! Even if I feel like a fraud. It winds her up I know, but I'm not doing anything for her benefit anymore. She predicted my DSs would be constantly in jail, my DDs would be town bikes - her words not mine I have to say. She's 'lovely'. I'm glad to say she was way off the mark. But I still wander why she doesn't love me? Maybes it's simply she doesn't love me the way I expect her to? How hard was her own mother on her? I do remember my grandma, but I was a child, so I probably missed a lot of things.
Don't let your mothers lack of love infect your children. As the years pass, you'll see how much your DC really love YOU! When they are adults, they'll return your love and while it won't change your own mothers actions, it will give you some comfort.

In the same boat here and I don't know the answer. I'm nc with mine. She was open about not loving me - I think she believed others would pity her for being cursed with such an ugly, unappealing and unloveable child.

I'm very damaged by it. I don't feel validated as a person. I don't think I have the ability to hurt anyone else because I have so little worth and substance (in the past I thinky actions have hurt others as a result).

I don't believe I'm even likeable.

I don't knoe how to love or be loved; Ioonly have relationships with men who don't/won't love me because the alternative is too scary.

No idea what the answer is!

I don't think I have the ability to hurt anyone else because I have so little worth and substance (in the past I thinky actions have hurt others as a result

Folk, exactly. I have to try very very hard not to hurt people but it's very difficult for me, cos my automatic reaction is, well, how could I hurt them? I am small and pathetic and weak.

Every time I start a new relationship, I think he's the one. And every time, they let me down, dump me after a few weeks.

Same thing happening with current guy. I want him to be nice, to be good for me. But I am beginning to see that he hurts me all the time, makes me feel insecure and doesn't have my best interests at heart. I suspect he's cheating on me. But I can't let go of him. Because being alone is worse right now.

I am aware of how pathetic and desperate I sound.

Lots of self help books and counselling is the only way I'm learning, but mine was about early lack of love and my mother is now loving but in her own way. Still hard to handle tho.

I've also grown to understand why she was like it and am moving towards a kind of forgiveness that it happened. I've been taught to love my inner child rather than feed the negativity and that is helping me to rewire my brain so that I am slowly less anxious and able to accept love a bit more.

But I don't think I'll ever be 'normal' and sometimes feel like I am looking in on a world that I'll never be part of.

Luckily, my dp had parental issues too so he's a bit like it (tho not a mother issue and so not to the same extent) and he is fully supportive and understanding, whereas previous partners just thought that I was untouchable (or, in their words 'f..d up' - some of them were inevitably abusive) and thus I felt I was unloveable.

I feel very much as FolkGirl described.

I now live across the world and distance has improved our relationship. The thing that helped me most with mum was to see how poorly she was parented. To see how her self esteem was never in tact and how poorly she was equipped for parenting. This has made it easier for me to forgive and focus on "breaking the chain " of behaviour. Seeing her as a person, fucked up and vulnerable helped. Now I focus on bringing up DD's with love and high self esteem.

That's the pragmatic solution which works for us. On the inside I still feel unloved, unlovable, chose abusive partner etc.

I have been referred for some cbt so hope that will help.

**Does it ever hurt less?
Yes. As other posters have said, you need to look at the reasons why your mother was unable to love you. Big clue: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Lots of really helpful books and links about this subject appear at the beginning of the Stately Homes thread.

**Since I had my DD two years ago I cannot stand the pain.
You poor love. Having your own children really drives it home how crap your own parenting was. The best revenge is to love your child how you would like to have been loved, thus loving yourself at the same time, IYSWIM?

I am the same.
When i had DS it got worse and when he was 3, after starting counselling, I cut her off-moving away and changing my number when he was 4 so she couldn't keep harassing me and trashing my (pretty much non existent) boundaries.
I do miss her and have the guilts but I'm slowly getting better.
I have had abusive relationships because A) she always told me "you make it very hard to love you" therefore I guess i believed i was only worth being called names and abused like she did and b) when nice guys showed interest i ran a mile because I couldn't deal with being treated nicely. I just didn't know what to do with it/myself. Made me extremely uncomfortable.

To answer your question it does hurt less, you just have to work at being nice to yourself.. which is really really hard when you're used to seeing yourself as worthless, unloveable and a problem to others.
Like PP's have said i dont think it ever goes away but it does get better.
Hope you're ok xxxx

Since my mother's death (and hearing snippets of her upbringing) I'm more forgiving but it doesn't excuse the abusive and dysfunctional home I grew up in. We were NC at the time of her death and at her funeral It felt strange because I had come to terms with our relationship and buried her a decade earlier.

If you're waiting for someone else to love you, especially someone who is incapable of demonstrating it, you could be waiting a very very long time. Ultimately, loving yourself is a choice, you do not need anyone's permission or approval accept your own. It's not impossible and I accept that personality plays a very big part but if you struggle, then therapy and surrounding yourself with caring people can help.

Having DD and becoming older helped me, the insecurities of my youth are still present, I just care a lot less about them. I have never felt love like I feel for my daughter and the love I get in return is overwhelming at times, it definitely became a source of strength.

Your relationship with your mother doesn't define you.

When I had my dc I finally really understood what she did to me and what effect it had.
Seeing them so vulnerable and trusting made me realise what a cruel person she was. It was very hard to come to terms with.

In times of stress and problems my self esteem still hits rock bottom, it is a legacy I'll never be able to shake off.

I have ways to deal with it, had therapy, know what to do.

When I was 35 I finally managed to not rise to her bait, when she starts abusing me I walk away, I have not been to see her on my own for 8 years. When DH is with me she is nice as pie.

You can learn to love yourself. I see my dc having healthy self esteem and I am very very happy about it. I see myself in them, the person I could have been. I don't mean it in a creepy way, nor am I living through them, but I am happy to see them turn into well balanced people.

It is possible to feel very differently. It takes time and hard work - but it is possible through psychotherapy (not CBT, which won't get at this stuff) and you could also try some self-help books (good ones, not pointless woo) eg by John Bradshaw.

Therapy is helpful because it gets at somewhere deeper than thought and allows you to build different connections in the brain.

I'm loathe to disagree with another poster's view on their own life, but it's not really true that your relationship with your mother doesn't define you. It kind of does, but it doesn't have to continue to do so.

I really recommend psychodynamic counselling. It is extremely painful and I only managed 6 months before I just couldn't handle it anymore, but it gave me the the "tools" to finally go nc, move abroad and start to see that I am not to blame. Having DC is an awakening for most of us with toxic pasts. I see it as an opportunity to make changes to ensure the cycle of abuse doesn't continue. Strength to everyone.

I came to terms with my mother's behaviour after some counselling and from life experience.
The thing is that your mother is a person, a human not some super being...they are who they are, they make mistakes, gets things wrong. Like every other human. Most people behave in a certain way because of their background, life experience, life situation. Very few people choose to knowingly be cruel or do things badly just for the sake of it. Most people do the best they can do with who they are. Nobody is perfect.
And we are surrounded by images of perfect mothers and perfect families in movies etc - when for most of us things are very different.

My mother had 'depression' - probably started as PND. With 4 children - youngest are twins (I'm middle).
I had serious depression in my 20s (no DCs) it was really tough - how would I have coped with 4 children to look after feeling like that? ...I don't know.
And you can just have a personality clash - neither of you are to blame.
(The turning point for me was after a counselling session I phoned her and told her she was part of the reason I was in the mess I was (suicidal) and for the first time ever she said sorry - not sorry but you...just sorry. I could start to forgive and understand - but not forget. If she had said anything else I couldn't forgive - probably would be NC.)

I have a DD (just diagnosed as ADHD as a teen -suspect I have it too)... can be very loud, very lively (hyperactive - a friend's mother described her as 'wild') and oppositional - she struggles to do what she is told ever - over the tiniest things. It can be something as minor as just put that cup next to the sink - she will put it on the table. Everything a battle. Then if you get cross and she gets angry she can't lose, back down and she will start being more and more difficult. And she has been 'difficult' from a baby, fussy, didn't sleep, massive tantrums and it is almost constant - she can never just do as she is asked, although slightly better now with age and self awareness.

I completely understand it...because that is what I was like. I also understand how tough that would be for my mother. I am very open about it with DD and sometimes I can see the funny side and make a joke about it. I have modified my behaviour - so eg instead of saying 'get up' I say 'you need to be getting up now'. When she gets angry and starts being more and more badly behaved I know that she doesn't like herself for it...she can't control it....and I try to remember that.

But I still suffer periods of mild depression and at times I have lost my temper -said terrible things. Sometimes it has felt like she hates me - deliberately making my life hard. I can imagine why my mother didn't like me very much - hard not to take it personally...
But my DD and I have a very different relationship to that I had with my mother - I think maybe the difference is that I have always understood her. I can empathise - 'know' how she feels. It isn't deliberate. She isn't 'bad' or 'evil'. (Things I was told)
She knows I know I get things wrong too, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing . I am far from a perfect mother (if that exists), I am who I am - but I do try to be the best mother I can be. That's all I can do. And I love her and she loves me.

(I have a DD2 who is a completely different story -if anything maybe too easy going - if I had two DCs like her - or if I was like her - I would have found DD1 impossible...)
But all that doesn't mean that you were a 'difficult' child - or you did anything 'wrong' - it may have been factors completely out of your control. DP's mother was horrifically abusive towards him. But then (different culture) she was married at 14, had 4 boys by the age of 20, living in a different country with no friends and family, DPs father was an abusive alcoholic. DP is the product of martial rape. Not surprising that she didn't like him. She was trapped by having her DCs etc. There is an argument that she could have handled it differently, instead of mistreating, torturing them really she could have had her DCs on her side, standing up for her when she was beaten by their father. But then I've never been in her situation, easy to say I wouldn't have done what she did - because I am not her.

I love myself - I know I have a lot of good things about me - there are things I don't like too ...but I'm OK no worse or better than anyone else - and you can love someone and not like them sometimes...
If someone you love does something you don't really like you feel it more than if it was someone you didn't care about ...you find it more upsetting but unless it is really terrible you won't stop loving them.

It takes time.

NC for 20+ years here & I would be lying if I didn't wobble now & then...but essentially, I found it in other people. I learnt to accept that if others could love me, I could love me & it helped.

I only really stopped doubting & questioning it when I had my dd (11). It made me realise that she missed out on a great deal & that I wasn't prepared to end up like her (70+ and alone, 1 of 4 kids still talking to her)

I also found that having a DD was the biggest trigger. Although I already had a DS who I of course adore, there were no boys in my family growing up and it was somehow possible to compartmentalise my parenting of my DS from my mum's treatment of me. When I had a DD, it all began to fall apart, because I could see myself more clearly in comparison to my DD and I got so angry with my mum for the things she said and did, that I can't ever, ever imagine saying to my lovely, sensitive little girl. Of course, the same applies to DS but it didn't hit me between the eyes in the same way.

I'd seen myself as simply a punchbag who just had to take all my mum's abuse and mind games and criticism and never complain, for fear of upsetting her. But I could see my DD as someone who I loved and would never do that to, and finally I could see that I hadn't deserved it either.

5 years on, I have been through a big change and finally managed to see through the guilt and the feeling that I always had to be nice and tolerant with my mum however vile she was to me. I have cut off contact with her and I feel much better. I have "let go" of having to keep her happy – why should I? So in my experience, yes it can hurt less, if you can make that leap – but it's not always easy to make. It's taken me years.

It does still hurt that I didn't have the mother I needed, the love I needed, and it hurts when I see other people who do have it... but not getting it from my mum – I now accept that, I see that she's just not capable of it and it will never happen, and in its way that is a relief. Knowing I can try to be that nice mum I should have had, and break the cycle, is a help too.

I know how that feels.

This morning my blind, Autistic DS offered his female teacher a kiss, she turned her head away. I felt fleeting deep hurt but then realiised she is correct. I saw that 'rejection' and iit reminded me of my Mother. I'm so glad i had therapy so i can recognise why i felt that way.
i almost constantly feel worthless but feel better than i ever did, i have a long way to go,.

I know this probably won't help at all but my mums mother didn't love her. The only thing it makes me think is what a fool her mum is! My mum is absolutely amazing, honestly just mindblowingly wonderful, you'd have to be daft in the head not to like or love her.

I know that sounds flippant or dismissive but I really don't mean it to be. My mums mother couldn't love her child, the "problem" was entirely hers and nothing to do with the 'love-ability" of my mum. I think it hurts her less now.

I'm sorry you are in pain because you this.

My Mother couldn't handle any sort of normal emotions i displayed as a child. I learned very quickly emotions wasn't tolerated. I had to suffer in silence whilst being bullied at school or risk ridicule from Mother, simultaneously being bullied by Father. Thank fuck for my Mothers Sister whom corrected a lot of damage by showing me a different way to be as she was emotionally much more open.

Mother really let me down but if neighbourly children or adults ever caused a problem she wouldn't hesitate standing up for me.

We had a Mother we were never ashamed of publicly, well spoken, dressed nicely, educated.

Mother showed us love by having a clean home and meals cooked from scratch.

hence me being very overweight, i use food to comfort myself.
Father was jealous of me and made sure he drummed the fact i was worthless, unemployable, nutcase inside my head from my earliest memory.

the only quality time we spent together were on holidays and they were the best parents.

how do we ever overcome this legacy?

i need more therapy.

My Mother has a very good relationship with her own Mother. My Mother told me she didn't want children but my Father did but she knew she'd end up doing everything and that is what happened, Father did fuck all around the house or with us except on holidays.

I feel Mother married my Father out of pity and/or being frightened of being alone.

I would never let a man bully my children.

Sick, cold fish she is.

I've been no contact since 2005. I feel freeer than ever.

I would worry too if i had a Daughter, how i would cope. That always prevented me having another baby

My Fathers constant bullying prevented me making anything of myself aside from being a much better Mother emotionally towards my DS. DS is a lovely, confident, beautiful boy. Because of ME

blue I do find that very helpful actually! Perhaps it shows that if you have awareness and insight into your mothers behavior, then you can make damn sure you do the polar opposite - which is what I strive for constantly with my DCs.
Looks like it worked your your DM as she has you saying My mum is absolutely amazing, honestly just mindblowingly wonderful, you'd have to be daft in the head not to like or love her. You're paying her the ultimate compliment, and you're both very lucky yo have each other. X

Blue, I totally get where you're coming from too.

My mum is incredibly lively, talented, pretty, etc etc. The only unlovable thing about her are the result of the huge stonking issues she has, due to being raised by parents who also taught her that she was unlovable.

I have to say that those issues do stop me from loving her in a completely open (and therefore vulnerable) way, since they have caused me so much harm. But I can love her objectively, iyswim: celebrate her qualities and uniqueness. But I don't want to be close to her anymore.

I don't buy the argument above that nobody is perfect, they are just human etc. because, hello, who was the adult? Who was responsible?

Hiding this thread now.

I agree with you Peppermint.

A person only has to be a good enough primary care giver. Not a perfect one.

My mother let my uncle abuse my elder sister, 4 at the time. Didn't believe her. However, when the dirty fucker he next came to stay, I was told not to "prance about" in front of him, and to make sure I wore my knickers in bed.