My childhood sexual abuse is ruining my life, please I need advice I'm so lost

[Momma0f4]

Hi it's rannia again, I just sent a msg regarding my sexual abuse ruining my marriage. I also wanted to add, when I was 15 my father forced me to chat to my 1st cousin, who I did not find attraction to at all. He was 11 yrs older than me and by 16 yrs
old I was married overseas to my cousin and only my grandmother and 6yr old sister were with me so I had no say in the matter cause my father said to me' you have to marry him cause we can't tell every guy asking for your hand about what happen to you. But
apparently my father told my cousin what happen and he still wanted to marry me. I never wanted it from the beginning and told my cousin that but I was scared and shy, then he started crying and begging me to marry him and I just kept remembering my father.
Then when he arrived to Australia I told him again and my father no one would listen. Then we had the Australian wedding when I was 18. I was always unhappy and angry with my dad and everything and hated anyone touching me in any way, I never loved him and still don't . After I was married at
18 we had 4 kids and the was always problems and still is today , I feel lost and still so much anger and resentment towards my father for not listening to me and now I've got 4 kids ages 10 , 8, 5, 3 and a half ,my 5yr old and 3 and a half old have autisum
spectrum disorder. I'm 29 yrs old and still hate my husband touching me every time and I don't know what to do with my life and I feel selfish to break up my family but I'm drowning too it's upsetting and depressing and no one understands how I feel inside
and at the moment I'm roll playing just to get by everyday I'm soooo confused wondering if I should stay for the kids or end it for good and have my kids hate me.

I think you need to find someone in real life to talk to you.
It is possible to move on from childhood abuse but you are dealing with the fall out from that, a marriage which makes you unhappy and four children,network of whom have special needs.

Had you told anyone in real life? Does your Dr know, could you be referred for counselling.
You don't like your husband touching you - does he know? Is he a good man or not?

Your children won't hate you for trying to be happy. You have choices you can make.

Thank you for your reply pagwatch, yes he does know how I've always felt towards him and yet he doesn'twant me to be selfish and break up our family. I've told my mother long ago and still tell her what's happening to me and how I feel, which is trapped. And I've told my Aunty and 2 theropists and my husband wasn't happy with what there advice was, which was to leave him and so he said they don't know what there talking about they just want to get paid. He can be a real asshole when his needs are not meet which is understandable Cause I can't be the woman he needs me to be, he's always saying he feels like he's with a guy not a woman cause of the way I dress and feels he's there just to pay the bills and babysit at times that's it. But He's a great father to all 4 kids and is a great provider but he also feels he's not getting my affection and no love from me and he see's it's forced out of me. He wants me to change and get over my past as he'd say 'get over it you have kids to think about, it's not just about you'.
We've bought a house 3 weeks ago but not it feels like it's so much harder to make a choice , it used to be easier to choose be4 buying a house , I don't know anymore. It feels like he wants a fake life together and I'm going on that ride which I curse everyday.

And thank you hesterton for you reply : )

That completely makes sense - that you are living a life you didn't chose or want.

We're your therapists helpful - are you still seeing one?
He isn't going to like anything your therapist says because their focus is upon you, on your mental health and happiness. I expect that makes him nervous.
But he is not happy either.
Maybe it is best for both of you for you to leave?
Could you do that. Would you have support?

Pagwatch, I've stopped seeing a therapist due to my husband not wanting to hear what they recommend, which was to leave him and start and try to find happiness. I know if I did leave him it will crush him cause i know he loves me and the kids so much but i can't return that love but he doesn't fully believe that I don't love him, he thinks I do in some way but I'm not being honest about it.
And as for support, I know my mother will be shattered but understanding but I dont know if I'll be able to support my 4 kids and if my 10'yr old and 8 yr old boys will stay with me if I left but my 2 youngest kids with autisum will need me there. I just feel like what makes it hard to leave is destroying the safe and secure life they know, for myself,. I'm scared to do that and the storm that will come from my husband. But if I was to leave him I won't be upset that he's left I'll be thinking about how will I deal and provide for my kids and that's what makes me sad to know I've been married 10 + years and don't love him but I'll cry to not knowing what will become of me and the kids. But thinking selfishly I'm always wishing to be alone and free.

Then I think you heed to go back to your therapist. I think you need to insist upon that.
I think you need to get support so that you can have more control over your life. For example, if I told my DH not to touch me he wouldn't, because he loves me and he wants me to feel safe.
So you need to find the strength to say what you need to your husband now. And if that path leads to your leaving then hopefully you will be better placed to manage.

Thank you pagwatch for your help : )
I'll do that.

I hope you will keep posting.
It's often quite quiet at this time of the morning. Hopefully you will get other posters with experience giving you their views too.

I do wish you luck. Your childhood is a hard thing to move on from but you are more than those experienced. You deserve to be happy.