Helping hand needed

[MrBlueEyes]

I met this girl in June2014 found out she was taken, bumped into her again Jan2015 and she was single. Started to date but in secret as the ex was a bit of a nutter. She told me things like she wanted to get married and have kids with me as we had so much in common, like soul partner stuff not like we both like the same colour. She also asked me to move in with her. End of Jan2015 she told me she slept with her ex while I was at my mums. This really hurt, but she felt so bad and knew she did wrong. She said 'we had made love, but he had started a argument and that was the final straw' and kicked him out of her house. She knew she made a mistake and she would never do it again. So forgive and forget is what I said. She carried on messaging him all the way through and kept reminding me of how perfect he was during arguments and basically made me feel like a secondary option that she was waiting and wanting him back. I felt like this was a healing process and she was getting over him. March2015 she left me at hers with glandular fever to go out with him as he had a motorcycle and it would be quicker to get into town to run errands. It was fine because they were trying to be friends and I trusted her, she even came back with a get well bear. April2015 we found out we were pregnant and I was sooo happy, my dream had finally come true. I was finally going to be a dad. Towards the end of April we were at a club and the was a heated convo between the ex and her, I stepped in and he left. But at the same time she also informed me it could be his baby as she slept with him when he took her into town in March2015. I could believe it, there was a loud crack in the planet and I was in shock that it had taken this long for her to tell me after we had a convo about the times the had met up. She had convinced me the baby was mine. I don't know what to do and I feel like she has given up on us as he has given up on her. So many horrible things have been said and I'm still made to feel like a bad guy. I don't know what else to say, there's so much and it's overwhelming. But I can't bring myself to leave a pregnant woman whether she has my child or not and despite the amount of times she told me I still fight on. I'm scared because I find out beginning of June whether the baby is mine or not. So that's my story and help advice would be great, I feel so alone in this situation.

Darling, she is taking the piss. She is cruel and spiteful towards you, uses you

Leave the relationship, pregnant or not. She will continue to shred your heart.

I'm sorry she has been so HORRIBLE to you. Her lies and excuses are transparent - why did you believe her when it was obvious she was lying?

kept reminding me of how perfect he was during arguments and basically made me feel like a secondary option that she was waiting and wanting him back

Unfortunately I think you've hit the nail on the head there - she's been using you to make the ex jealous. She's cheated on you numerous times and I'm wondering why you think you have to put up with this behaviour?

I would now step back as much as you can and just wait for the DNA test.

springydaffs - well I know I'm not the perfect 100% but I'm always loyal. My dad cheated on my mum a number of times and then went off and married said woman. I saw the pain, heartache and I would never put that on anyone. I guess I carried on with hope, I mean if you don't have trust you've already lost. I don't want to ever give up on a relationship as quickly and easily as my dad.

pocketsaviour - I thought she was using me to make her ex jealous, but she has lied to him soo many times about me living here and whether we slept with each other etc it's like I don't even exist.
Do you really think leaving is the right thing... she has a 6yr old boy, 2 dogs and 2 cats and now a baby on the way. It's a lot to take care of by yourself. I just don't want to be fighting fire with fire.

She will never appreciate you if you will stay.
Only by leaving you can teach her a lesson that she has to grow up.

Have respect to yourself. You have allowed her to walk all over you.

If she has a boy and pets and if she is serious enough, she wouldn't humiliate you, herself and her little family.

She is seriously taking a piss...

You stay unwell in bed and she will cheat on you?!

You better leave her. If a child is yours, you can be a parent but outside of this toxic situation.

Inexperiencedchick - so how would one go about such a thing, just up and leave? I mean is it fair on the boy, I know I held grudges when my dad left (not that I'm his dad)

You're LIVING with her?! Jeez. Well, find somewhere else to live (parents? houseshare with friend?), pack your stuff, tell her it's over, and go. It would be nice if you could keep a relationship with her little boy, but since you're been in his life for what, 5 months? it's not going to cause him major problems if you don't.

You sound like a people pleaser - you're putting this boy (who isn't your son), her feelings, this unborn baby that might not be yours, her pets(!) all ahead of your own dignity and self-respect. I would do some thinking about why you do this? Yes in a relationship you must consider your partner's feelings, but they must also consider yours - something this woman has definitely failed to do!!

And in future, don't ever move in with someone until you've been together AT LEAST 6 months!

It sounds like you are a white knighter along with being a typical "nice guy". Google it.

This situation is nothing like your parents marriage. Your not your dad. It's perfectly reasonable to walk away when someone is treating you like shit. Her child and her pets are her own problem. She sounds utterly toxic.

As the pp said , you need to work out why you do this and why your willing to accept so little. This was a casual relationship that should have ended when she cheated on you.

It sounds like you're trying to be the man your dad should have been? Faithful, trusting, solid. Only you've chosen the wrong situation to work that out on!

This woman is SO taking the piss it's excruciating. Yes, pack up and go - she has treated you so very badly you don't even have to give an explanation, though bcs you're a decent guy you'll want to.

Ok then: say ' i have treated you with respect but it hasn't been extended to me. You have treated me very badly indeed and, at last, I've come to the realisation that I want to be in a mutually loving relationship, which isn't this one. Goodbye bitch '

The trouble with that, though, is she may well sob and plead and promise, and you'll probably be taken in. Which would be a major mistake - she will only miss someone she can treat like shit/the babysitter /petminder. She has zero respect for you

Look after yourself. You are worth a great deal.

pocketsaviour - yeah I moved in because we clicked so well and I was already moving out of my mums. That's when she said about moving in with her. But as my finances are not that eligible to move into a new place I think moving back with my mum would be the only way. The bond is really strong with her son as her ex mistreated him a lot even abused her in front of him. Where as this has not been the case with me. He tells me I should marry her as I make her happy. So I think it would be hard on him if I just vanished so to speak.

I guess the main reason why I do this is because of my 'treat ppl how you'd want to be treated' theory. Everybody makes mistakes though, I wonder whether it's my fault I let things happen and allowed things to move too quickly.

Yeah I agree with that now, it will definitely be a thing to learn from in the future.

badbaldingballerina123 - this whole 'nice guy' thing really does suck. Especially when all the indecent males (like her ex) get everything and the whole time they treat women with such disregard and lake of respect.

Well it is a fear of mine, after all I have his genetics. I understand that, but I can't help but help. It's a curse

I guess it's more how to change this.

springydaffs - well it's always been a goal, but I guess you're right on the situation.

I just don't want to be upping and moving and giving up every time.

I will keep what you've said in mind. Thank you for everything

You're not giving up!

You are not an inanimate object for ppl to do what they like with. It's up to you to set respect boundaries around yourself. Think of a (precious) house with a front door and a garden with a gate - ppl come through that gate and that door who are invited, who show respect for the property. Which is YOU

I suspect you hope that one day she will realize how nice you are, how much you've put up with and it will all stop. It won't. Women can also have nice guy syndrome. It isn't about running an errand or doing favours or generally being nice. It's about needing validation , it's about lack of self respect , not asserting yourself, putting others first. It's not something you want to have. Nice guys desperately want love , and will tolerate anything to get it.

Nice guys are usually created. They have often grown up having to emotionally support a family member. They've been taught to keep quiet and put others first in a range of ways.

Nice guys of either gender are often targets of personality disordered people, narcissists , sociopaths ect. Such a person will literally ruin your life.
Your girlfriends behaviour is not normal in any way. Considering the extensive dating pool , you need to look at why you chose her.

I also think you have picked up a very unhealthy message from your parents marriage. You are not in a long term marriage that has hit a rough patch.

Many people unwittingly play out their parents marriage (like me) . They subconsciously pick a partner who they can do this with. You are obviously not playing out your dad's role. Are you playing out your mums ?

Oh OP I'm so sorry that she's treated you this way.

There's no way this relationshp is sustainable now is there? You will never ever trust her and she sounds like a nasty piece of work

Next time, take a little more time eh? All this drama and heartache and you're only 5 months in.