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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Question

18 replies

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 00:17

Long story short, I split from ex years ago due to him cheating plus other issues. 3 weeks ago we slept together and did so another 2 times. This is the first time we had sex for about 2 years. Last night he had sex with someone else and is saying that's ok as he is single. I'm very hurt and wondering how we can carry on the great co parenting relationship that we had. I don't know where to go from here??

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 18/05/2015 00:33

Leopards don't change their spots and it's perfectly possible to have a 'great co parenting relationship' without shagging the other parent.

Where you go from here is straight to the GUM clinic to get checked for stds. If you intend to be his booty call as and when he hasn't got another hole to fill, ask if they offer a preferential service for regular customers.
'

bunchoffives · 18/05/2015 00:38

Did you think you were back together OP because you had slept together?

I think goddess has got a point even if it's a little harshly expressed

You need to be clear and honest with yourself about what having sex was about - and what you now want to happen?

sadwidow28 · 18/05/2015 01:11

When you slept with your ExDP, did you really think that you were 'back together' after 2 years?

If you did, then I understand your hurt.

However, your ExDP didn't see it that way. He is simply sleeping with whoever and whenever.

OP, you need to have an STI check because your exDP doesn't appear to be selective or careful.

Where do you go from here? I suggest you find dignity and self esteem. It isn't easy, but there are wise women on MN who will help you along the way.

SelfLoathing · 18/05/2015 02:24

Have you posted about this recently? About him saying it was all "just for now casual"?

Original poster

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 07:58

Och goddes that stung a bit but thanks for all replies. We did use condoms and he recently told me he had been at gum when he told me he wanted a sexual relationship.
I didn't think we were back together, does that mean I have no right to be hurt or disappointed? Before we did it the first time we had a long talk where he told me how great I was and how he knew he had fucked up in the past etc etc blah blah. A part of me did think that possibly we were a very long way (as in years) down the road of a reconciliation.

OP posts:

Original poster

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 08:00

No I've not posted on this recently self loathing but I was the one who said no strings attached and that I didnt want things to change.

Goddess why inverted commas for great co parenting relationship or am I being super sensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 08:05

What I want to happen now is for things to be back the way they were, we had a friendly mostly easy relationship days out with kids, him coming here to mind them when I was going out or had things to do and even staying over if I had a big night out to do the morning as well. Putting them to bed, having dinner with us.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 18/05/2015 08:12

I don't see how things can go back to how they were when you are confused and hurt.

Original poster

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 09:13

That's what I'm worried about vivacia

OP posts:

Vivacia · 18/05/2015 09:35

I think worrying about it and wishing it were otherwise is going to cause you distress. I think you need to accept that it is what it is and ask yourself, "What's best for me and my children now?".

GrumpleMe · 18/05/2015 10:38

Things ARE the way they were, for him. I can't imagine he's worried or anxious about how things will work between you now.

It's up to you whether you write this off as a mistake, and move forward amicably as co parents.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 18/05/2015 11:03

"but I was the one who said no strings attached "

From what you've posted so far, it doesn't seem that any commitment to exclusivity was discussed at any point. Surely NSA arrangements mean just that - no strings and free to sleep with whoever.
Stop having sex with him, and work on continuing your good parenting.

pocketsaviour · 18/05/2015 11:37

If you told him it as no strings attached, why are you confused and hurt?

It sounds like although you intended it to just be a sexual relationship and nothing else, you have already started having feelings for him again?

Honestly think this is unlikely to work out given your feelings now. I would tell him it was a mistake and just try to put things back on a neutral footing between you so you can carry on co-parenting.

loveareadingthanks · 18/05/2015 11:49

Why did you say it was no strings attached if you wanted strings attached?

Anyway, what's done is done. You now know a fuckbuddy thing with your ex is NOT going to work for you. Give yourself a mental shake about feeling all hurt about it, you'll get over it, he's right he is single, so are you, so he didn't do anything wrong. Look for a partner and/or sex elsewhere in future.

Just chalk it up to experience and make a mental decision to go back to how you were. Tell him you think it's a mistake to try and have casual sex with your child's other parent and it won't be happening again. Put your kids needs for you to remain amicable at the forefront of your mind. It'll feel a bit awkward at first, but you'll be fine.

Original poster

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 13:45

Thank u all for your kind advice I am finding myself nodding along.
I did see it going somewhere eventually I suppose so I'm glad I found out his take on it sooner rather than later.
What's funny is that he is so much more cut up about this than me and is currently having a pity party with himself.
For me and in response to the poster who mentioned self esteem and dignity I actually feel really proud of myself as a couple of years ago this would have had me on the floor but I feel ok and am just getting on with things.
Long may it last! At least I enjoyed the sex after having none for years and thinking I would never want it again.

OP posts:

loveareadingthanks · 18/05/2015 13:50

Yes, look for that silver lining. You've come to an acceptance that it really is over between you. You can see him as a bit of a weak twat then if he is having a pity party over this. You still enjoy sex!

Original poster

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 13:56

Definitely weak, even though I had caught him red handed he still wouldn't admit that he slept with her, I had to ask her myself. They had had a fling in the past and apparently she had fallen for him.
I think it hurt the most that he lied to me when asked directly and that's why I'm questioning the amount I let him in my life and my home instead of him just seeing the kids on his territory.

OP posts:

Original poster

onemorerose · 18/05/2015 16:56

I can feel myself starting to go down now, I'm getting sad that this incident does put an end to the thought that we would ever get back together. Even though he is not currently in a place where I would want to get back together I always had hope that one day he would get there.

OP posts:

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