Another thread about Emotional Affairs

[avoncallingdingdong]

I have posted before about my DP who has a history of crossing the boundaries with workplace female colleagues. I know this because in his last job I saw the emails and it caused arguments (and denials from him). They would text him at weekends and he would use the excuse "I cannot help it if they text or email me". My response to that has always been that at some point in the workplace the boundary has been pushed. I always had the gut feeling he was deleting text messages as well. He always denied it.

So anyway, roll forward a year and he has a new job. He has a colleague who is texting him outside work quite regularly and again my gut feeling kicks is that messages are being deleted. One day last week she sent him a message and I just happened to be in the room when the mobile buzzed. He looked rather uncomfortable when I asked "who is that". Of course, it was the new female colleague and it was back to "I can't help it if she is texting me outside work about non-work related things". Not his exact words, but that is the gist.

We have been arguing about it today and he spent the entire time defending her. Not one word of regret, no loyalty. Then to make matters worse he then admitted that throughout our relationship he has deleted texts that he felt "I would have read far too much into it and it would have kicked off - it was safer to delete them".

I feel absolutely distraught. I have no idea of knowing what has gone on and he will just deny everything...

Sorry, no one in RL to speak to. Thanks for reading.

Emotional affairs are difficult as they are so easy to deny. I would say go with your gut feeling. You know you DP better than any of us, if your gut feeling is that something is not right, then I would trust that. When you look at his responses, he isn't actually denying anything. Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum? Then you might know better whether he is as fully committed to your relationship as you are. Otherwise I would say that start preparing for a breakup.

So he's basically containing behaviour that he knows you find upsetting.

His reaction is not to stop it, but hide it.

Speaks volumes about what he thinks about you, but then again you keep putting up with it.....so what do you expect?

I'm sorry, avon, if the texts - even outside work - were harmless, he'd fall over himself to show you. I have texts from people outside working hours, they're always work-related, very boring and, if my husband wanted my phone at any time, he could have it.

Not really a parallel with your situation is it? It's not that he's getting the texts, it's that he's hiding them from you and deleting them.

If you want to be sure if you feel you need that (although you don't), either just ask him for it or let the dust settle, sit quietly and the next time he leaves his phone, take it and switch it off. You can take it somewhere where you can look at it in peace. I think it will be the beginning of the end for you but maybe that's what you need?

So sorry, it's a crap situation.

Well, you keep putting up with it so he has no incentive to change his sleazy and dodgy behaviour

is this the kind of life you want ?

You will have to bring it to a close, or spend the rest of your relationship tying yourself in knots and living with no trust whatsoever

Not very appealing, huh ?