Help, DH wants a divorce 9 months after wedding

[LyraIsLost]

We have been having issues for a while and probably shouldn't have had the wedding... I think it was our version of a "bandaid baby". After a particularly shit month he has just told me he wants a divorce as he doesn't think things will ever get better.

I feel a bit numb at the moment but I am mostly terrified of telling my family who arranged a lavish and expensive wedding (we didn't ask for this, they got carried away).

I feel so humiliated and can't bear the thought of people commenting and being the focus of judgement / pity / jokes. I just feel like someone you hear about, "my friend's friend got divorced after only 9 months" etc.

Beyond all of that I am sad and scared of being alone after almost ten years together.

What would you think if this happened to your friend / daughter / sister? I don't know what to do and am tempted to just pretend we are still together for a while?

I don't think you can get divorced until a year has passed. Have you considered relationship counselling?

Unfortunately you do have to be married a year and unless there contributing factors you will have to wait two years before filing for divorce. For example adultery or unreasonable behaviour

Thanks for replying. We don't live in the UK and the law is different here. I would love counselling but he would never consider it...

It would be cruel to other people to go through the pretense of being together when you're not.

I would be sad for a couple who realise their relationship has ended but pity? No. Certainly not.

Sometimes it's not one person's fault when a relationship comes to an end, so please do not shoulder any blame for it. If there is any blame it should be the person who entered into a life-time commitment and decided after less than a year that it's not what they want any longer.

Perhaps it might be a good thing. If you don't mind me saying, you don't come across as being particularly concerned about him, just about what people will think.
In your heart of hearts, do you think it will be for the best in the long-run?

I'm sorry op.

Please try to focus on your marriage and what's right there.

Try not to worry about other people's perceptions.

I can totally understand the feeling that you are humiliated and others are talking about you, my mum felt exactly the same when she was getting divorced, but in reality, people didn't care so much about the situation and were more worried she was ok.

I have a friend who this happened to, her husband got up and walked out on her six months after marriage and she found out (not through him) he was with someone else. Like my mum, she felt humiliated as she'd had the big white wedding and everyone coming across the globe, but again, what seemed like that at the time is now a distant memory and she has moved on and found happiness with someone else.

It's easy to say don't worry what others think, but could you find one sympathetic ear in your family who could then speak to the others and say the marriage is in difficulties? This would then prepare your family a bit for what you have to say.

Part of me knows we haven't been that happy and maybe this is the right thing, but I don't think it's really hit me yet. I can't really imagine my life without him around but don't know what I can do or if I should do anything. Should I be with someone who would do tnis? I don't know.

Sorry, not making much sense.

I'm not concerned about him in the sense that I feel resentful that he can just quit. He seems to have checked out already. I've been no angel and we have had major intimacy issues mostly of my doing, so I know I couldn't have expected it to go on like this forever but I suppose I hoped he loved me enough to keep trying.

I feel hugely concerned about telling my family, repaying the money they spent, having to face it because I feel like people always thought he was too good for me and now they will be proved right.

Do you want to be in this relationship? If no, then why would you want to prolong the inevitable? Do not worry what other people say. If counselling is not an option and he is adamant he wants out then let him go.

Do you feel this relationship can be saved?

I would think it was very brave of you to admit what was happening.

I separated after 12 months. Honestly the first time I packed my bags we were less than a month into it.

If you want to call time then go for it. It won't get any easier.

Do you not want a divorce op?

Would you like him to stay?

You said the issues are intimate, does this mean no sex? Any other big issues?

Do you have to repay the cost of the wedding? You didn't ask for it.

I would suggest that you have a trial separation - maybe even a year - to see if anything is there to be salvaged. Surely there's no massive rush to begin divorce proceedings? (Unless he has some other reason).

Honestly I wish my best friend and her ex had been this brave.
Instead they struggled on for 4 years getting more and more unhappy.
They've now divorced and are happy with other people, but by the end they made each other so miserable they've ended up hating each other.

She will admit that if one of them had been brave enough to walk away the first time it was brought up (3 months in)chances are they could be friends now.

But like you they had the big wedding that wasn't what they wanted, both sets of parents went totally overboard.

Don't leave it till you're like that.

If your family got carried away and paid for an expensive wedding then I don't think you have to worry about repaying them to be honest. At this point you do what is right for YOU. They chose to do what they did, you didn't have tearful tantrums to force them to spend the money. HE wants a divorce. You say "this is not what I would have chosen, I would have hoped we could work through our problems but he will not co-operate, in these circumstances I need to make a new life for myself and would appreciate any support you can give me"

You show dignity, you show a willingness to work on the marriage, but you also show that you are coping with a difficult situation not of your making.

If your family are decent people they will respond to that. If they aren't decent people you need to find some support elsewhere.

Good luck - you WILL be fine at the end of this, the process is horrible, I know, but you will feel very free at the end of it

I was in exactly the same position as you and our marriage was definitely a sticking plaster. We were both young but had been together for so long we were terrified of being alone and didn't know how to be single.

I knew I probably shouldn't have gone ahead with the wedding but it was like a freight train I couldn't stop. In under year it had all gone tits up and I stayed in the marriage because I was too embarrassed to admit defeat and I felt silly and foolish. We stuck together for another two years making one another miserable, both being unfaithful and finally when everything came to a head it was a massive relief. When I told my Dad my first words were 'I'm really sorry you wasted all that money' and he said 'Pfft I don't give a stuff about the money, you just need to be happy.You can;t tie yourself to the wrong person at your age just because you feel bad about the money.'

He was a bit useless on the whole, my Dad, but for once in his life he said the right thing on that occasion.

I would not judge you on the 9 months of your marriage. I would judge you on the 10 years of your relationship and say that you absolutely have the right to call it quits whenever it is no longer making you both happy.

My friend ended his marriage one WEEK after.
Poor sod got home to find his wife had been writing to her affair during the honeymoon, saying she missed him and couldn't wait to get back

Anyone that matters, will care only about you.