Anyone have experience of hypochondria?

[Rollercola]

Wasn't sure whether to post in Health or here but it's to do with my relationship with exh so I chose here.

Quick back story, exh and I split up in summer 2013 after 23 yrs together. We have 2 dcs who are now 13 & 8. He told me he wanted a divorce, I'd previously caught him texting/calling several other women, previously forgave him but finally realised he didn't want to be with me so we divorced.

I realise now that the health issues went right back to when we first met. He'd had several operations as a child on his ears/nose/throat and proclaim to have hearing problems.

Throughout our time together I thought of him as slightly hearing-impaired. He had hearing aids for a while but stopped wearing them because he said he could lip read.

Everything was fine between us for the first 12 yrs of our relationship (until our first child was born) then i caught him out with another woman and he really started to change. His dad died when dd was 3 and he took it very badly. He was very depressed and took it out on me but would never admit it and wouldn't go to the gp.

Ds was born a couple of years later and that's when the health issues really started. He booked in for the snip as soon as ds was born and had complications which went on for a long time after.

As soon as that was sorted he had an op on his nose, then straight after got a hernia. The hernia was repaired but again there were complications and he had to have a second op.

As soon as that was sorted he started getting pains in his shoulder. Over the last 5 years this has got worse and worse, he's had about 4 mri scans, been to numerous hospital appts but no one seems to be able to tell him what's wrong. He is now taking enormous amounts of painkillers and seems drugged up with them much of the time.

Writing all this down makes me feel sorry for him and it does seem that he's had very bad luck health-wise. The problem for me is, with each condition he adopts this terribly draining 'poor me' attitude and seems to enjoy telling anyone who'll listen all about his various procedures.

Rather than trying to do anything to help himself he seems to actually revel in telling people that 'there's nothing they can do'. He googles relentlessly and several times has been convinced he's got something life-threatening.

It might sound as though I'm heartless but believe me I'm a very kind, caring person who would do anything to help anyone. For years and years I tried to help him by offering emotional support, accompanying him to appts etc. He just threw it back and me and I became the target of his moods and nastiness.

Since we've divorced he seems to have ramped up the shoulder issue and regularly turns up at mine limping, hunched over, talking about walking sticks etc, yet still manages to work in his job which involves heavy lifting. In fact as far as I know he's never so much had a day off work with any of this.

Now I'm not there to listen to him he's started on dd13. She worries about him (like i did) and I'm concerned that he's piling too much on her. He even took her to an mri scan the other week because he reckoned there was no-one else who could go with him (all his family live nearby)

I'm still torn between feeling sorry for him and wondering how much of this he is actually making up for sympathy. Nothing anyone suggests is ever any good, he refuses to listen to any advice. To save my own sanity I've started just nodding and changing the subject when he starts talking about his health (every time I see him) It's such a relief to not see him much now but I'm worried that he's doing the same thing to the kids.

His latest is that he'd quite like to take the kids away in the summer but he can't say for sure yet because it depends whether he'll still be able to get about by then. He's waiting on mri results which will tell him if he's got a spinal tumour or not, but he had the scan weeks ago and has no idea when or how he'll get the results. Surely if it was serious they would have contacted him straight away? All his other scans have been clear.

AIBU to think he's a hypochondriac? Does anyone have experience of this and how have you coped with it?

He does sound hypochondriac, although the hernia certainly must have been real as otherwise there would have been nothing to repair! Interestingly, hernias can be caused by lifting heavy items incorrectly, which would fit with his job.

Is your DD quite mature for her age, or does she still have him on a pedestal? If you were to say "Oh yes, Daddy's mysterious shoulder pain that no doctor can find a trace of and doesn't prevent him from picking up heavy stuff all day every day..." would she know what you meant or would she feel betrayed?

Obviously it's hard because you don't want her to feel that you're slagging him off, but now he's dragging her into his shit, it's really too much and has to stop.

How do you think he would react if you told him she shouldn't have been asked to accompany him? (Why would he need a bloody chaperone anyway? It's not like she could drive!)

I am what could be termed a hypochondriac, my Dr advised/diagnosed it as health anxiety, a form of OCD. I worry constantly about my health and it is a powerful obssesion that at times has completely ruled my life. I have never told anyone or talked about my supposed illnesses to anyone. Going to the Dr repeatedly and not accepting there is nothing wrong is apparantly part of this condition, though for me the only time I actually went to the Dr was because I could no longer cope with my anxiety. I can only comment on my experience of being a hypochondriac/OCD sufferer, I have sought medicak advice and CBT to try and overcome it. I will add, I am very aware of my condition and try not to let it impact on others, but can only speak for myself here. I think you can control this type of behaviour but the affected person has to accept there is a problem and want to work at it, if not, it will continue to be a destructive type of behaviour.

I realise that he could well be suffering from this condition but he's the type of person who would never recognise, accept or admit that he has any kind of mental difficulties.

He'll happily go back and to to the gp with physical complaints, either real or imaginary, but he would never consider that he might have deeper anxieties that have caused them.

Dd is very mature but I don't feel that I could say anything to her about this. I do think she will work it out for herself eventually but at the moment she is very much a daddy's girl and would probably resent me if I said anything bad about him.

I find him so terrible draining. It's all he talks about and seems to feel so sorry for himself all the time. Everyone else I know says it as well so I know it's not just me as the disgruntled ex-wife.

I think you have to, as kindly as possible, give dd permission to detach by explaining to her that you think Dad is a hypochondriac.

"You know Dad lifts at work everyday, and the doctors have found nothing wrong. I don't want you to worry"

He is using her feelings of guilt as a tool to emotionally abuse her. He will damage her.

That's what I'm really scared of Aussiemum, he emotionally abused me for years and even though we now live apart, dd in particular sees him a lot and he'll do it to her. How do I protect her from it?