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Original poster

Argh!!! I am so angry!!!

26 replies

VixforVictory · 17/05/2015 13:05

Am I going mad? DH is visiting his children, playing happy families at his old family home. I never call while he's there and leave him to it. Today, we've got something that needs sorting out and I had to call him. Is it just me that finds it insulting, weird, infuriating, etc etc that he went outside to take the call? I am his wife FFS! I know he's going to say that he doesn't want anyone knowing our business etc but even the way he answered the phone, it was like it was a business call or an acquaintance. It wasn't even friendly! WTF?!?!

OP posts:
AnnaWebb · 17/05/2015 13:08

Sounds odd to me. Think you need to have a conversation. I suppose those living in the old family home know of your existence Hmm

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 17/05/2015 13:09

Think we need more context here!

I generally wouldn't speak on the phone in front of someone else, no matter who I was with/who's calling, it's just a bit rude to the other person really, it's good manners to take a call in another room unless it's super short really.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 17/05/2015 13:10

Yes, the DC come down every so often. This is THE ONE thing that has always created problems in our relationship. I am fuming! And he's got the audacity to question me when I keep our conversation relatively formal if he calls me at work! "Oh darling, there is nothing sinister... call me at any time" - yeah, right.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 17/05/2015 13:13

Hi one day - it was short (but not sweet - ha!) as I only needed to check about something that we've had to organise at the last minute. Otherwise, I wouldn't have called at all. This is the first time as I never felt the need, as pretty much everything can wait until he gets home. I understand not answering all lovey-dovey but I am not a business call and I don't need to be taken outside of the house, thank you very much.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 17/05/2015 13:16

Why must he go over there? Is he not allowed to have the children alone or take them out?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 17/05/2015 13:20

Yes, honeyroar, but they live quite a distance away. Ok for holidays and long weekends... but that's a work in progress and I am supposed to be going up with DH when he goes again in a few weeks' time.

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 17/05/2015 13:21

You sound very worked up over what sounds like a really minor difference of opinion/different idea of manners & etiquette though? Is this really all you're upset about?

Even if my Mum calls when my boyfriend is here, I'd take it in another room. Otherwise you're ignoring the person you're with and talking to someone else, which is just rude.

passmethewineplease · 17/05/2015 13:24

Hmm I always try and take calls away from company I feel rude otherwise!

sounds as if you're over reacting a bit. I wouldn't sat it's playing happy families either, just visiting his kids!

honeyroar · 17/05/2015 14:01

I can understand why you feel upset, but it's probably that you're already tense/upset that he's there at all, and him going outside to talk (which is not such a big deal) was just the spark that ignited the bonfire. I'd go somewhere quiet to talk to my DH if possible, even with friends, I'd not feel able to talk to hm properly if overheard.

They and focus on the fact that he married you and is only going there to keep his relationship with his children despite difficult circumstances. That makes him a good dad, and he will be that same good dad if you ever have dhildren.. Go with him next time. You're his wife and part of the family. Take the children somewhere together, develop a relationship as a step family. Hopefully they will soon be able to come and stay at your house and this will all be in the past. But perhaps talk to him calmly when he gets home and tell him it felt wierd being spoken to hidden away, see what he says. I really don't think it's a big issue in the grand scheme.

CoolAs10Fonzies · 17/05/2015 14:40

perhaps the dc were particularly excited having dad around?

maybe he took the call outside so that he could hear what you are saying?

Quitelikely · 17/05/2015 14:47

I don't think he has done anything wrong. You are being unreasonable.

Why, ask yourself is it so important for him to answer your call in front of his ex wife and/or children?

Vivacia · 17/05/2015 14:51

I thought that oneday meant we needed more context about the situation of your relationship, not the subject of your phone call. ("That's shorthand for, were you the OW?" btw).

I'm another who leaves the room to take a call. It's just a reflex.

Might he feel uncomfortable talking to you in front of his kids?

GatoradeMeBitch · 17/05/2015 15:21

I understand what you're saying. Is his ex wife a bit funny about you, or the kids still coming to terms with things?

My ex used to do this. If his ex-wife rang while we were home he would immediately shut the door between me and him and use a really warm friendly tone. Whereas if I called while he was out with her and their DD he would sound polite edging on hostile, and distracted, and clearly want to get off the line as soon as possible. To an outsider he would have sounded like he was speaking to an employee and I resented that. I felt he compartmentalized different bits of his life, and was irritated with me for intruding into a bit where I didn't belong.

ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 15:49

His behaviour doesn't sound abnormal to me. I think you might be overreacting unless there's something you're not telling us.

Has he done anything to upset you?

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 17/05/2015 15:50

Erm I didn't mean were you the OW!

I meant that genuinely it seems odd to an outsider that you are so upset by just this one thing to be posting on here about being so angry/infuriating/FFS etc- so it seemed like there must be more going on with the relationship that you are not happy about. Are you worried something else in the relationship as well? Or other stuff going on for you and this is the straw etc?

Anyway hope you're feeling calmer

mynewpassion · 17/05/2015 15:58

Your DH has always gone to see him children eow before you were together, when you were dating, during your engagement, and now in your marriage. If you can't trust him, then leave him.

donemekmelarf · 17/05/2015 16:02

I thought you meant he was at his parents home, with his children.
But it's his EXW's house?

So, he is spending whole days at a time, in the same house as his EW? Hmm
and as you say, playing happy families. While he's there, he's probably doing odd bits round the garden for her, fixing things that need fixing. basically acting like her husband again.
Possibly sitting down for meals together etc... all very husbandy/wifey things to do.
I know I won't be popular for saying this, but
I wouldn't be too happy about it. It all sounds a bit too cosy.

Why can't the children come to your house? You're his wife now.
He should be putting you first (after his children).

At the moment he has two wives.
I would put a stop to it and come to another arrangement whereby the children stay at yours.

I never call while he's there and leave him to it

Never a good idea.

donemekmelarf · 17/05/2015 16:04

Go with him next time. You're his wife and part of the family. Take the children somewhere together, develop a relationship as a step family. Hopefully they will soon be able to come and stay at your house and this will all be in the past.

Excellent advice.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/05/2015 16:10

I dunno. You sound a bit like you're trying to mark your territory.

My dh takes my calls away from everyone as do I. We like a bit of privacy. He does send me business like emails when he's at work because he's in work mode then - I find it odd but also quite funny.

Tryharder · 17/05/2015 16:24

It depends.

If his XW is still upset over the break up, he quite simply might not want to rub her nose in it.

I wouldn't be singing and dancing about him spending time in his old family home but if it's the way to see the kids then needs must..

It DOESNT sound like he's got 2 wives which is what someone said.

I think you need to step back and look at the bigger picture. If you insist on accompanying him on every visit, arm in arm, refusing to let him out of your sight then you will just look bitter. You only have to look at threads on here from first wives about second wives that won't let their DHs see the kids without them in tow etc.

If you have any particular reason not to trust him, then act on it accordingly.

nozzz · 17/05/2015 16:28

I really don't understand the significance of taking a call outside, can someone elaborate on that please?

m0therofdragons · 17/05/2015 16:33

When my parents call me and I'm at my in law's I go away from people so I can chat. Who wants to sit in a room listening to half a conversation while shhing the dc? Most people I know would take the call elsewhere. Seems normal behaviour.

RiskManagement · 17/05/2015 16:49

I think he was just being considerate to both of you. I wouldn't want an ex listening to my conversation with DH and I wouldn't want an ex talking to his new partner in my earshot.

At the point he answered the call, he didn't know what you were going to ask and whether it was appropriate to discuss it in the room or not.

Generally speaking I would move away from others to take a call, whatever the context.

mynewpassion · 17/05/2015 16:56

When you are either a guest or have guests, its polite to take calls outside the room to have a conversation.

And, if the children are young (toddler age or younger), you can't leave the room but try to keep them a bit quiet so you can hear what the other person is saying.

I don't know its just what I've been taught as manners.

mynewpassion · 17/05/2015 17:01

Why torture yourself if you think he's doing something shady with the ex every other weekend instead of just spending time with his children sometimes in the old family home and sometimes not?

I couldn't live like that. The build up to him leaving, the snidey comments about playing happy families that might come out, the semi suspicious thoughts that he's doing something with the ex...it would drive me insane. I just could't put myself through that no matter how much I love him.

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