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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i tell his wife

17 replies

fedupandpissedoff87 · 17/05/2015 00:43

My ex husband and I have been divorced coming up for 5 years now and he's remarried. His wife is an absolutely amazing woman who treats our Daughter like her own and we also get on really well....the issue is the EXH when he's in the country visiting our daughter he's constantly messaging me asking me to meet him or groping me when i drop our daughter off..he's been warned about it and for a while it stopped (pretty much because he had left the country) the thing is he's due to come back to uk in nxt couple of months and his wife is pregnant with their 2nd child and will be coming with him..he's already started with the messages asking if i'd meet him in hotels etc and i've told him if it doesn't stop i'm going to tell his wife, but how do i go about this??? I don't want to stress her out as she's pregnant and i don't want her to think i'm doing it to cause trouble between them as i know what he's like and will try to make it that it's all me

OP posts:

CycleChic · 17/05/2015 00:52

If he's groping you, call the police and report him for sexual assault.

SycamoreMum · 17/05/2015 00:57

Taser. Every time he comes near just fire it up.

On a serious note he's not taking you seriously by behaving like a pig. What I'd do is every time he mentions a hotel say, ' Oh will your wife be joining us?' If he touches you say, 'Would your wife approve of that?' Just keep throwing her name at him. He obviously forgets shes around so you should remind him

Poor you and wife having to deal with him. If he's persists you may need to tell her or yeah the police.

lionsmane33 · 17/05/2015 00:58

I don't know, other more worldly wise posters may be along shortly but my advice is no, don't tell his wife. At least, not yet, particularly as she is pregnant. I would arrange to go and see a solicitor and set it up so that it is the solicitor, or alternatively a friend, who liaises with him regarding the visits. The friend or family member can then take your daughter to the visits so you don't have contact with your ex h at all.

I would write him an email explaining what action you are taking and why, explain that you do want to tell his wife but have chosen not to at this stage because of her pregnancy, then, if she finds out at a later stage, you can, if necessary show her the email to prove that you did take her into consideration as best you could.

After setting everything up, block him from your phone.

Thereby removing the issue hopefully completely. That is, until he starts doing it to some other woman.

goddessofsmallthings · 17/05/2015 02:28

On no account should you tell his wife what your despicable ex has been up to as it will inevitably damage your good relationship with her and, similarly, threatening to tell her will simply put him on notice to start working to sabotage the friendship the pair of you have formed.

Send him an email on the lines of 'Dear X, I have been advised to inform you that if you continue to harass me to meet you and make unwanted physical advances towards me when I facilitate your contact with dd, I will make a formal complaint to the police which may lead to charges being brought against you.

I regret having to write to you in this manner but, as you have failed to comply with my repeated requests that you desist from this conduct, you have left me with no alternative but to give you notice of my intentions' and end with Yours sincerely lionsmane.

What he's doing is harassment and sexual assault. Print out copies of the offending emails/texts, make notes of every unwanted advance - time/date and specifics such as where he put his hands etc - and follow through with the police if he persists.

NB even in the event that you make a complaint to the police, don't tell his wife - let him do that and send her copies of the evidence you've compiled if she approaches you about the matter.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/05/2015 02:37

What an absolute fucker of an arsehole.

Don't tell her but threaten him.

Fucker.

Cabrinha · 17/05/2015 08:30

I'd rather find out my husband was an arsehole when I was pregnant. Than when I had a newborn to deal with. Or had given up 5 more years of my life to the nasty little scumshit.

That said, I know my XH is cheating on his GF and I haven't told her.

But this is different I think because YOU are getting assaulted and harassed.

I think I would tell him: ONE more touch or inappropriate email and I'm telling her, and by the way I might just tell her anyway, you scum. And mean it.

minkGrundy · 17/05/2015 08:36

Agree with pps about taking the lefal approach and removing yourself from any situation where he has the opportunity to do this to you.

Poor you having to put up with this disgusting behaviour.

bluebell345 · 17/05/2015 08:46

sorry for his new wife.
if he is doing those to you, I suspect he is doing it to other women.
maybe she needs to know that he is not trustworthy so she doesn't get disappointed in the future. but don't tell her what he's been doing to you.

ALaughAMinute · 17/05/2015 08:48

No way should you tell his wife! If he's harassing you then you must report him to the police!

pictish · 17/05/2015 08:49

No point threatening if you won't follow through imo. He will soon learn you don't mean it and that's another boundary between you obliterated.

HeadOfBetter · 17/05/2015 08:51

Warn him in advance of his next visit that you will be going to the police re the sexual assault if he lays 1 finger on you again. Mean it and do it.
Completely ignore any requests for hotel stays etc.

FeijoaSundae · 17/05/2015 08:57

Wow, there's nothing more desirable than a man who behaves like a rutting terrier, on heat. I am utterly amazed that he's managed to get two lovely-sounding women pregnant. I can't imagine why anyone would go near him with a barge-pole.

I also would threaten the police. Who does he think he is?

Rebecca2014 · 17/05/2015 09:09

No I wouldn't, she be likely to not believe and even if she did, it would affect your relationship and most importantly how she feels about your daughter.

Keep out of it, I am sure he is cheating with various other women and his wife will eventually find out. You really should call the police if he gropes you again.

AltheaVestrit · 17/05/2015 09:25

Have a read of the thread "My ex keeps pinching my bum".

Original poster

fedupandpissedoff87 · 17/05/2015 23:47

Thanks for the advice everyone..i've sent him an email stating that he had better refrain from this behaviour or i will be contacting the police for harrassment..i've also stated he can from now on collect DD from DM house as she stays just across from where they will stay when they come over.
I feel bad for not telling his wife what he was like sooner although it wasn't exactly secret why we broke up to start (Found another womans underwear down side of bed on my WEDDING night and him stating it was his cousins even though she was with me at my mums the night before the wedding and hadn't been near our house) although i doubt it would make much difference as in their culture it's very much male dominated and what he says goes type thing

OP posts:

minkGrundy · 18/05/2015 01:16

SelfLoathing · 18/05/2015 02:27

Agree with advice above.

Would add - if continues as a problem set up some CCTV/camera with sound and get a recording of his behaviour. Then you can decide whether to send that to his wife.

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