Has anyone successfully turned a relationship around when you were both at breaking point and thinking breaking up was a good option...but then decided to give it a go?

[beyours867]

My DP and I have been under a substantial amount of stress recently.

Work, family, health..everything really has been awful. He lied to me about things to protect me, and although I can see this now, at the time it made things even more stressful I was constantly second-guessing him. I have however stood firm on the basis that no lies are essential. He is not a bad man and didn't do this intentionally to hurt me. He says he can fix this.

My part...I've been pretty full on. Worried about the aforementioned issues, I've been a nag, I've put masses of pressure on us as a couple as I was concerned for us (ironically) as we were going through the above. Friends and family have commented about how the life seems to have disappeared out of me...and it's true. I'm a nervous wreck (not due to DP, due to the outside problems).

So now these issues have somewhat subsided. Health better, work much better. Family all ok. But this week my DP and I had a huge chat and he broke down, as did I, and we both said how horrible things have been and how we don't know each other anymore. He said he loved me but wasnt sure about us. I said I felt the same. He suggested we end it, and I said let's give us a proper go at getting back to how we were, now our situation has somewhat changed for the better. We went back and forth for a bit, but in the end we agreed to make it work.

I am devastated that my DP suggested ending it. Since we had this chat and decided to move forward, I can't get it out of my head that he wanted to end it...and I keep second-guessing him. Obviously this is not having a great effect on us, as the whole point is to start afresh. He's been positive about us so far.

Can anyone help me please? I want it to work and to re build us, and I feel like I am already sabotaging it :(

Yes, we succeeded. I think though it was because we both knew we would never find another like each other that we have made every effort to stay together, always reminding ourselves to stay polite to each other, respectful, to communicate etc. it served as a magnifying glass to our relationship and as such we still now always make sure to talk everything through etc. If you know you will never want anyone else, anything is possible, but it sometimes requires a massively strong will to overcome natural questioning etc...If you decide to go ahead together you WILL sabotage everything if you continue to revisit past hurts...going ahead means a commitment to always be respectful to each other, to understand to not constantly bring up the past is takes, to always bear in mind your life lessons, etc....it's possible, but only if you are both on board.

It is only human to have doubts. Life isn't black and white and the fact he admitted to you about wanting to end it is actually a good thing I think, because he could have hid this feeling and just had an affair or whatever. Instead he told you how he felt - which suggests he wanted to be honest wi you, as painful as that is, rather than just eff around behind your back with some floozy that would provide and easy time for him.

Take a deep breath. These painful moments in our lives can actually serve as amplifiers for future happiness, because they act as reminders for us to appreciate those truly wonderful moments with each other, & can bring you closer together...It'll be ok. If you want to stay with him, if you dont want to loose him, you can do it. Doubting is completely understandable, but doesn't help...it's not an easy path...but it's not impossible.

I have just posted my own thread on this and would be grateful for your thoughts on my own situation as it is so so similar.

It's so wonderful to read the positive comments. By God it's s tough one. So much love there but worn down by external pressures greatly effecting the individuals in the relationship and therefore tarnishing the relationship and reducing the love. Sounds like posters think this is salvageable. I agree. But I think both parties probably have to have an unstinting commitment to growing th love again. And that is hard to navigate. How to remain relaxed but committed.

Good luck op. I think you should give it your best shot and I truly hope it works out. I truly, truly do.

Yes, I think twice we have hit what feels like rock bottom, IIRC when ds was around 2 -3 and we'd been married around the same amount of time. Both times we reached the point of saying the only option seemed to be to break up. Though perhaps because we are both so awful at conflict, rock bottom was in fact us just having a row. In both cases we have just dusted ourselves off and carried on, really. DH said a couple of things that I thought I could never forget or forgive but he has apologised for them and as time has gone on they have faded to the point where I rarely think about them any more - that took 4 years or so.

When we'd been married 7 years I remember thinking that the year seemed to last about a decade, I absolutely couldn't see a way forward and just blindly kept getting up and going on.

We have been in a much happier phase for the last couple of years, we've been married 11 years now and have become very intertwined, find ourselves thinking the same thoughts at the same time. I used to spend a lot of time imagining being single again, now it only crosses my mind about once a day.