Please Help Me

[taramac]

My partner has just told me that if I don't stop having any form of contact with my family then he is going to leave me and take the kids and "fight me for everything". I am in work at the moment typing this and am in a complete mess. There is a bad history between my family and my partner and he recently made the decision not to have contact with them which I supported but he's just gone mad today. He wants a decision by tonight. We have recently been through a bad patch and went to Relate and I had individual counselling- inpart to do with my family - old issues. I have lessened contact with my family for my own reasons bu this doesn't seem to have helped the situation with my partner. He is very angry and nasty @ them and whilst I think he has a reason to be its very hard to listen to the names he calls them. I don't know what to do - please help.

So sorry taramac! That's totally unreasonable for him to ask. Can you sit down with him and discuss it or wouldn't he want to do that?

(((Big hugs to you)))

Is it possible that he's only saying these things out of anger towards your family? Does he feel that being around your family may be damaging to your children?

I have a lot of issues with my own family. They have tried to cause problems between myself and my dp, but so far have not succeeded. Even so it still feels odd when dp says things about them -even though I know he is telling the truth.

I think its beyond that. He sees it that if I dont cut off the contact then he is not worth it and they are more important to me. I think I am going to have to do it or else I am going to lose my kids. Not sure how to tell them as I know they will not understand. I also am angry as I feel I am the one fighting his battle for him in a sense.

oh taramac, what a nightmare. You two need to sit down and discuss this when the heat of the moment has cooled a bit. Firstly, do you think he meant what he said or was he just angry, hurt and lashing out? If he does mean it, he is, in essence, asking you to choose between him and your family.
I'm not the best to give advice here, since I have no contact with most of my family but perhaps you need to think about resolving the issues with your family as well?
Sorry if I am coming across as hard, I don't mean to be at all and have nothing but sympathy for you in what sounds to be an horrendous situation

Why would you loose your kids Taramac, you sound so defeated already. Are you and your husband still in love?. If so then i hope you can work this out. Sorry no advice but thinking of you.

One very important thing - you will NOT lose your kids. He can't just 'take' them and leave it at that. No court around will allow that, so don't worry there.

However important your DP is to you, you're allowed to want your family too, and you're entitled to that. If he loves you he shouldn't make you choose.

NotReallyMe Yes he is really angry but a lot of it has to do with the past when we were first going out and very young. Whilst I understand his feelings I suppose I have worked through mine @ it all and am willing to have a relationship but on my terms. He doesn't want them around the children either but the reasons aren't really logical - like my sister had a termination so he says he doesn't want them around "baby killers". He says they made him feel unwelcome and made me choose between them and got the police involved(this was 10 years ago)and now he wants to make them suffer and get revenge!

taramac love, try and calm down a bit - easier said than done, I know. Just cos he has said it, doesn't mean he means it, and if he does, it doesn't necessarily mean he will get your children. In light of what you said about Relate, do you love him still and want to stay with him? (You don't need to answer me, its more of a question for you)

So sorry to hear this tarmac, like NMR i have had alot of problems with my family an dh so much so that when i brought dd from the hosp after birth dh and my dad had big fight and dad is banned from the house.
But i still see my family dh gets on with my mum and sisters but no one visits but i still goand see them with dd and stay at weekends it's better less stress. Can't you have same arrangement? and is he your dp or dh???? coz dp they have no rights over the child if i am not mistaken?? only if you are married??

Good luck thinking of you love slinkxxxx

I do feel defeated charlieplus because this issue has been going on forever and I really thought we had cracked it after our counselling. I don't know why he wants to make me choose but when he gets like this it is scary. He moved out for @ 6 weeks a year ago and my elder son (6) still remembers it and we promised it would never happen again. I really dont want my children growing up without their dad living in the same house. Plus I know financially I am stuffed. I had the boys very young and never finished my degree etc whilst my partner is now a solicitor doing an MBA! Feeling tired and hungry couldn't face lunch! May have to dive off computer as I am in work and partner is coming to collect me. May I ask any of you that dont have contact with your family why that is?

taramac, I raised my son by myself for years before I met DH - if it comes to that, IF, then you will manage fine, I promise you that. I was on benefits for years, studied with the OU, saved like mad to learn to drive etc etc, do not knock yourself like this, IF it comes to that, believe me, you WILL cope and so will your children, they are very resilient

My family are mostly unaware of how my dp feels. My sister has some idea and is willing to talk with him to find some resolution but he wont. I am willing to have a relationship with them outside the house but this isn't working either. He is now saying that they can't phone me on the land line at home but must phone on the mobile if they want to speak to me. Its sounds ridiculous I know. I honestly dont know if he will hold me to it tonight but I think he will. He basically believed I constantly choose them over him and now he wants me to decide who is most important to me.

wasn't ready to post yet! Anyway, I now have my degree, good job (in totally unrelated area!) another son and a happy home and marriage - people cope and move on. But this is thinking way too far ahead; for what its worth, I think your first decision needs to be, do you want to stay with your DH - put aside all considerations about your family, your children etc and make that decision before you think about anything else. Take it one thing at a time taramac.

Tarmac, mine has been going on for 10yrs blew up finally 2 and half yrs ago why...........tribe country intepretation of religon, my dad is from one part of the country and dh is from another my dad hates his kind dh tried for yrs then gave up ........if you are frightened of him can you not leave?? take your kids Do you love him???

I am not frightened of him physically or anything more that when he is like this I can't get thru to him at all. I do still love him and I just want our family to stay together - blind stupidity or what I dont know. The issues with my family are that they are very overpowering basically and full on and for years I let them affect me greatly but I have started to take control and feel I am making headway. I havent sat down and talked with them as this never works but have just started to keep my distance and stand up for myself when it is needed. There is a weird set up of relationships in our family - dad worked overseas and had and affair(s?)and with 3 girks mum was more like a sister than a mum and she is only child so depended on us all greatly. Basically there are no boundaries in our family and I know way too much @ my parents marriage and their lives now than I should and then I want to. Its hard to explain.

Sorry, you asked about not having contact with family. Mine was nothing to do with my DH though he supported me. I severed contact with my mother and one of my sisters after years and years of problems. I would consider both of them a bit batty to use a politically incorrect term. My mother beat us when we were young, my sister has never come to terms with this or the emotional traumas she dealt out - she used to throw away toys as a punishment for any mess (and I mean anything out of place by an inch), she had various illnesses, quite serious ones, and I have vivid memories of being told I caused her cancer and she nearly died because of me

As we all grew up, she became jealous of things we had, things we did - anything became a target for her nasty comments, I don't think she ever said anything positive to me ever. When I got married and moved a few miles away, DS1 became the battleground - my mother and sister,felt, I think, replaced in his life by my DH. They began interfering in our home, (came in from work once to find my mum digging up the plants in the garden and putting them elsewhere etc) and his life. He was at high school by then and didn't want to spend as much time with them, quite naturally, but they put a lot of pressure on him, so he began to tell them he had after school stuff to go to. They started ringing the school and trying to check up on this, then ringing his mobile - my sister would say stuff like "Well, if your nana can't come over today, she will think you hate her, so shall I tell her you hate her?"

Contact severed! It was basically enough was enough - this is the potted version, horribly long though it is. Is this any use to you at all or is your circumstances very different?

Taramac, Lisa has said some good advice, especially about the kids being resiliant. I brought up my daughter on my own and you learn to manage. I was lst and thought nothing would turn out right but youll be surprised how strong you become if it comes to that.

Its not fair for him to expect you to choose. As youve said you have resolved issues that you have with your family and i think he really needs to support you more. Is he thinking of you, the children or himself? He sounds angry at something but cant figure out what, his reference to your sisters abortion is really nothing to do with him and his words are childish.

Sorry if i sound out of order for saying that!

He sounds like he's something of a control freak who wants his own way all the time. As others have said, as you are not married then he has no real right to the children anyway without a Parental Responsibility Order. I thought that when you mentioned him wanting to take the children that this was because they would be in danger from your family. Whether or not your sister has an abortion is none of his business.

I personally would never let my children go anywhere alone with my family - not that my family would offer anyway. I wouldn't trust my stepfather not to beat them. My mother wouldn't try to stop him if he did. There is also the issue of my sf liking young girls but thankfully so far I have only boys.

My dp would (quite rightly) refuse to allow our children to spend time alone with my family but he would never threaten to run off with them.

Went home last night and he apologised and said he was out of order and I didn't deserve to be spoken to like that. I agreed and said the only person he is hurting thru all this is himself and me. I just wish he would direct his anger at the appropriate place or go to counselling to sort it out. Whilst I am glad he has calmed down aI am keft with anger that he has done this to me and I feel now I will have to tiptoe around him again for a bit in case I set him off again (regular pattern in our relationship) which he is oblivious to. My mum and sister live just down the road nd he wont even walk to the shop in case they see him out the window! I do think he has a right to be angry at things they have done but he wont do anything about it and its really frustrating! My family have little contact with me and virtually none with him but his anger is still there and that is the point I am trying to make to him. That it doesnt matter wether he sees them or not he still is angry and that wont go away unless he does something about it. Thanks for your messages but hopefully wont be anything further on this!! Fingers crossed!

Just caught up with this, Taramac. I'm glad you're okay. Hopefully your dp will be able to find a way of dealing with the anger in his life. Good luck.

Tarmac, could you suggest to your DP to go see someone regarding this anger he has inside himself. Explain to him that it tears you apart and that you feel you have to tip toe round him when he is angry.

It is not good for anyone to have an anger deep inside them as it will just fester and grow and that if he doesn't sort it out it could one day become destructive. Sorry to be so harsh, but I do think he needs to deal with these things that are causing him this anger.

It all blew up again and he has walked out - a bit of a speciality of his. Says he can't believe I am still seeing my family when they are so horrible to him. A lot of this stuff has happened b4 and he says he doesnt want me fighting his battles for him and I dont think they are rude to him very much but if they are I step in but I wish he would as well. I dont know what the f* to do Part of me is fed up with it all. Its so hard to explain it all to people. Aaaagh. Am just back home with the boys and I am not going to phone but am scared he will tke money our of the account and we are on a really strict budget this monthe. We have cleared loads of debts and after this month he will be able to move out if that is what he wants but worried he will jeopardise this by just spending money out of the a/c. It helps just writing this down as I dont have anyone to talk to here.

tarmac, I've just read all this and I am so sorry you have having such a frightening weekend.

I don't know what to say to you. I can only guess at the situation as you say the reasons for your husband's feelings are complex and you don't want to go into it all on here.

What struck me is that your husband is a solicitor, making any threats to take away the children and fight you for everything even worse. Also you say his reactions are illogical. To me, this contrasts so much with the qualites he needs in his line of work. I don't know many solicitors but assume they usually have a balanced and logical way of looking at the world.

Do you think all this walking out and demanding you sever all contact with your family is because he wants to make life so difficult for you that you leave him - is he pushing you away for some reason? sorry to ask this. Or is it the opposite - he simply wants you all to himself. Is he happy if you have friends? are you clear in your mind how your husband feels about you?

Also, I know you must be very circumspect about what you say to your family about him. As his hatred of them is so OTT, do you think they actually realise this is how he feels. Do they know what you are going through? If things are all in the past do you think your family believe he's forgiven and forgotten? You say he never tells them what he thinks, but then takes it out on you. If you broke ranks, actually talked to your family about him and his threats, is there any chance they would alter the way they treat him for your sake?