Worried about where we're at in our marriage

[MrsHelenBee]

I've been married for nearly 5 years and have a lovely, loving husband, and 2 beautiful boys. When I say my family - boys and husband in equal measure - mean everything to me, I really do mean it, and I couldn't live without them, but I'm worried about where my marriage is at.
DS2 arrived a year ago, and the first year has had some very challenging times compared to when DS1 arrived. We've also had some hugely stressful times with finances, DS1's health (and his nursery reporting us to Social Services), and 7 family bereavements in less than 8 months. We're also trying to sell our house, and both feel mentally, physically and emotionally frazzled.
I have no sex drive whatsoever. It was there a little bit some months ago, but we had our first proper row and although that's way back, I've struggled with my husband's affectionate approach. He always has been very affectionate, but I just don't want any of it. I seem to feel nothing. I can't remember the last time we kissed, but any physical closeness we have is restricted to that. No intimacy for 7 months. and not only do I not ever think about it or want it, DH doesn't initiate anything either, so do I presume he doesn't want it either?
He's always snored - REALLY badly - and it seemed to get very much worse over the winter to the point where I was sleeping on the sofa for days at a time. In the end, he moved into DS2's room and into the spare bed so we could both get some sleep (me waking him asking him to turn over again and again was ruining his sleep too). He saw the GP and got a nasal spray, which he took a few times, and has then abandoned. Whether it worked or not, we never discuss the sleeping situation, and have slept apart for nearly 3 months. It seems so wrong, and yet I find myself feeling incredibly guilty that I enjoy the quiet and also - I'm SO SELFISH! - the space (he's very big and very tall, and takes up most of the bed).
He works very long hours, and although we talk in the same way, and neither of us seems unhappy, I'm pretty sure I hug my mum more and get more kisses from my children. I feel awful that I'm ok about it. It feels very wrong for a husband and wife to not cuddle and kiss, but for reasons I don't understand, I seem to be content.
There's so much more I could say but I've already written far too much. I just feel terrified there's something really wrong. I'm also very worried I'm going to get critical, angry replies from people who think I'm a cold, selfish cow, and don't deserve him. I've never deserved him, but I can't bear the thought of not being with him. He's my best friend and everything to me. And it pains me to be in this strange 'nothing' place. Is there something horribly wrong with me?

My goodness, you sound lovely- you're just going through a rotten time is all, surely!? All that stress, 2 young kids, I'm not surprised you want to retreat into a cave! A very normal response I should think.

You sound very concerned about your marriage tho, so could you get your mum to look after the kids and you and dh go for a walk or lunch, tell him how you're feeling and reconnect a bit?

If there's something wrong with you, then there is with me too. I was (less so now) exactly the same as you. After looking after the children (four of them) and animals (have lost count but several of them are very cuddly too), there just wasn't much of me left to give. I didn't crave affection or attention, the opposite was true. He works away all week and was lonely so it was all amplified.

It seems to be getting better now though, as the children are getting a bit older. We make an effort to do things together when we can and it's been great to realise that we actually still quite like each other!

The young years are tough - our children need so much from us, quite rightly. You sound lovely and I think the very fact that you're aware of feeling like this is a good sign. Give yourself a bit of time and make a bit of an effort (if/when you've got the energy). I know how you feel though.

We had a rare 2hrs together - jus the two of us! - 3 weeks ago, when we were viewing a few houses. I hate myself for having smiled and said, "How good does this feel?!!" I loved holding his hand and just having him to myself, and yet that upset me as I felt like I was indirectly saying I don't want my kids around me. We have a night in a hotel booked at the end of July for my brother's wedding. DS1 is the Best Man and both boys will be there, but then we're taking them to DH's parents before the evening ad having the evening and night to ourselves. DH suggested it, and said we totally deserved it. I just feel guilty, and I know I'll struggle to relax as, while DS1 could sleep anywhere, DS2 is not good with other people at bed time, and my in-laws are elderly and likely to have a tough night. I feel like our night off is totally at their expense.

Marriage is about more than sex and to be honest for me it's the rest that's more important. I could live without sex but not the rest or affection. If you want to get it back it's about making time for each other and having the time to not just have sex but talk without interruption. You need to be able to work up to sex not just do it cold. Can you get a sitter or get a night away just the two of you no pressures?

It's so strange - he's sat beside me, oblivious to what I'm writing (maybe just as well as it's late to be discussing this directly), and happily watching Family Guy, then chatting with me in between. We've just had a laugh at a terrible joke together, and he patted my leg and did the usual "You ok, Mrs B?"
I don't want anything to escalate at all. Ever. I guess I've only just put it all together and into words in the last 30 minutes on here!!

I feel like our night off is totally at their expense.

And so what if it is?

It is a one off, do you think they will begrudge you a second of it?

When we left our DCs with DPiL for a night we could have come back to find DPiL tied to a lamp post, they would still have had a lovely time of it.

It is normal to want a break from your DCs. You arent bad for wanting that. It will be good for you and your DCs.

Sex is not the most thing to me, and never has been. When it has happened, we're very much in tune with other, and he's the first man I've totally trusted. We've been great together. I guess it just alarms me how totally different our relationship is, compared to when we first me 7 years ago. I knew a family would infinitely change that, I was under no illusions, but I suppose I'm just worried I'm the only one who has a marriage like this. Having said that, replies have been so much kinder and more supportive than I expected. I anticipated a barrage of criticism!

Talk to him ask him how he feels if it's a problem for him

Ok, there are some things you shouldn't feel guilty about:

• having time alone with your husband.
• having a rest from the children
• putting your relationship before your children from time to time.

Honestly woman, the children will survive, but what won't survive is your relationship with DH, if you don't give it the time and attention that it needs.

There may be a lot of reasons why you don't want to have sex (you are too tired, he has became one of your children, you may be getting a bit depressed with the bereavements and the SS call, you are taking a medicine that affects your libido (ie. antidepressants and in some some ocassions, even the birth control ones), or that you have fallen out of love.

The more worring is the last one, as once that is happens , it's almost impossible to bring the attraction back. So, while you are still enjoying holding hands and having a time alone with your husband, try to get the intimacy back by spending more time together on your own,

Ask your husband how he feels, i'm pretty sure that he will tell you that he is not completely happy with how things are lately. Which will be a good starting point to start working together in your relationship.

Remember, if you both are ok as a couple, the children will be fine.

Such a beautifully written post with the perfect balance of love, guilt and concern. Could you not share this first post with your DH?

It's a cliche but communication really is the key to the best marriage you can have, even in the most difficult of circumstances.