It's been so long - please help me to figure this one out.

[fishfingersinmysandwiches]

Ok, so I am 39 and a single parent of three children. I haven't had a relationship since I was in my early thirties. Seriously, it's been so long I think if you gave me a naked man I wouldn't know which way up he went.

Recently, I got in contact with a man who lives in my community to ask him for a work related favour for a younger relative. I don't know this man very well at all - we've perhaps had a few short conversations over the past few years - but I guess I've always thought he was quite attractive. He is fairly recently separated (in the last year or so) but still has a seemingly very amicable relationship with his (ex)wife, whom I also know.

So the first proper one to one conversation we have is about this work favour but quickly moves on to other topics. I feel like we really click - we immediately have lots to talk about, seem to have lots in common, and the conversation becomes quite animated and enthusiastic. I think I get a sense of there being an attraction there.

Suddenly he says, "Oh you and me should really hook up!" And I don't respond as I feel taken aback (he means it in the sense of getting together, not the sexual sense, but still, it's been a while...) and then he immediately looks a little flustered and says, "You know, because um..." and then mentions something we have in common. It feels like he's just plucking it out of the air and it's a slightly awkward moment. I don't say yes or no (still feeling surprised) and we just kind of carry on talking. I promise to text with information about the work thing.

I do text the relevant info but don't hear back from him for a week (to be fair my text doesn't exactly warrant a reply.) This week is spent wondering whether he is interested in a friendship with me, or possibly more?

I heard back from him today (work related stuff but also something friendly with kisses at the end) and so sent a text back saying, "Oh if you do want to get together for a coffee or something, we could discuss the work thing some more over that, rather than texting back and forth? Let me know."

Haven't heard anything back yet. Have I just made a total twat of myself? Is he cringing worrying he's given me the wrong idea? But if he was just being friendly, then why ignore the text? What's the big deal? It could easily be just two mates going out to discuss something work related right?

Help me wise ones of mumsnet. It's been too long.

Another update:

I didn't hear anything from him re the coffee, although saw him in social situations where he was very friendly, very tactile, and so I thought where's the harm in saying, "let's set a date for that coffee" or something along those lines.

I received a long winded text back explaining in detail all the things he was doing all week (very busy) and that he was then going on holiday, but that when he got back he'd love to get together.

He got back from holiday and didn't mention it and I accepted that he just wasn't interested after all. Time to let it go.

I have since discovered that his relationship with the woman I mentioned upthread is vastly more serious than I thought and that they, in fact, went on holiday together (he never mentioned this despite telling me about his holiday). I was out in the pub last weekend and she was extremely drunk and cornered me. She was weirdly overly friendly and appeared to know a great deal about me (I don't know her from Adam). It was clear to me that she had been snooping on my social media which I felt uncomfortable about.

I have since had to see this guy every day due to the work related thing and it has been a little awkward.

So yesterday I bit the bullet and sent him a text saying that I had no idea he was in a serious relationship when I suggested coffee, that I had taken his suggestion of hooking up as an expression of interest but now realise I had misinterpreted what he had said. I said I would rather feel a little embarrassed admitting that than have him think I was someone with murky morals who went about suggesting coffee dates with other peoples partners! I was happy to laugh about it if he was?

He replied saying of course he could laugh about it and that he was sorry if he had unintentionally misled me. Friends?

I said no worries, it was just a misunderstanding, nobody is to blame, yes to being friends blah blah blah.

So we've had a friendly grown up conversation about it and that is that. Fine. But in private I'm now suffering. It was (what I believed) to be my first sniff of interest from a suitable bloke in years. Except of course it wasn't. All my rejection issues have come roaring up to the surface and I feel humiliated and embarrassed. I see other people become single and find new partners soon after, and it's just not happening for me. I worry something is wrong with me.

I'm wallowing, I know. But in dark moments I worry no one will ever looooove meeeeee ever again (cue worlds smallest violin). I know I can be fine on my own. I know there is nothing wrong with being on my own. But but but. I think I am someone with some decent qualities. I'm kind and intelligent and interested in others. People often comment on my physical attractiveness, so without wishing to sound like a dick, I feel reasonably confident in that area too. But I can't seem to attract anybody in any real sense.

I'm too embarrassed to admit to friends how gutted I am. So would hugely appreciate some support and advice on here. Thanks.

He sounds like a bit of a player actually, I wonder if right at the start he was hedging bets between you and his now partner. I wouldn't have text him again tbh but now that you have, best to leave it. Your encounter with his girlfriend in the pub makes them both sound a bit nasty, as if they'd talked about you behind your back. I would steer clear of them both now tbh.

I can understand how this has really dented your morale. I don't have any huge words of wisdom but just wanted to offer sympathies and hope things feel better soon

Thanks Happyringo. I realise it was perhaps a mistake pushing for a time and a place when he had already not really responded to my more general ask. At least I don't have to wonder anymore though I guess. I know exactly where things stand and can get on with the business of getting on.

At least you tried, OP. You knew what you were after and you went for it; on several occasions too!

Don't let this disappointing one time put you off seeking out someone else. I think you did the right thing and perhaps he could have been a bit more upfront about his situation to save you some time and trouble.

All the best to you.

You're all being very lovely and polite and I appreciate it.

But I think I may have to accept that I came across as a bit desperate. Not for the first time either. I cannot seem to stop myself pushing for things, even if deep down I know it's not likely to happen. It's an unhealthy pattern in my life.

And I think, honestly, this is the problem. I have an unhealthy approach to sex and relationships and no matter how I try to act, people can smell it.

You haven't done anything wrong. crossed wires, mixed signals passing between the two of you is all.

I think it shows how ready you are to meet someone, which is a positive thing.

Yes I agree with MadeMan, at least you had the balls to push for a date, which will stand you in good stead for dating - no reason why you should just sit back and wait to be asked.

The only person with an unhealthy approach is the guy touting for coffee dates then panicking when you take him up on it and he remembers he has a GF!

It sounds like you should have no problem getting dates, it's just about putting yourself out there so that people know you're available. Are you online dating at all? It sounds scary as hell, but actually when you're in control of it it can be quite rewarding (I met my DP online 3 years ago). You do need to be quite resilient but if you know what you want and you're not afraid to go searching you could have a whale of a time!

There was a sniff of interest, OP. I don't think you misunderstood it at all.

He didn't just 'forget' to mention the holiday he was going on was actually with a woman. He didn't want to scare you off.

You have behaved very well. He wasn't available, and he should not have allowed you to believe he was.

I did try online dating once, years ago. And to be honest I had a ball It was fun, I met some right characters, and I made a friend whom I'm still in contact with today.

Ultimately it's not for me though. It's just too random. I prefer to get to know someone via a social situation first, before the idea of any potential relationship is on the table.

How about a holiday for single people? I am a little biased as I met my dp on one

OP thanks for updating this thread. Sorry about how things turned out, but don't try to make this some reflection on you, it's him, he was happy for you to think he was available and probably loved the attention and maybe even the fact his gf was jealous too if she was looking you up on fb etc.

You sound great, just try to see this as a test run and keep on going. Lots of lovely people are single including lovely men. Have you tried something around a hobby, or the website meetup.com? just for more socialising, if you have time/babysitters.

You don't actually sound desperate to me fwiw, would just like a boyfriend, which is fine it's okay to want that. Just keep looking out when you're out and about and keep an open mind, accept invitations etc. You'll meet someone better when the time is right

OP don't despair! He was definitely interested / attracted to you, hence all the weirdness at the start - but was also obviously already embarking on a serious relationship with someone (who also sounds a bit odd!).

So you are still attractive to men - no violin needed!

Also it doesn't sound like you have an unhealthy approach to relationships - you just got caught up in a confusing situation where you were being given mixed signals - in fact you were open and honest and he was playing fast and loose.

As others have said, you sound great (and you come back to update your thread a few times over 2 months!). Just keep putting yourself out there, and being yourself...

Thank you everyone. I saw him today as he was dropping off my relative after the work related thing.

He seemed very awkward at first, almost squirming in his seat (or so I perceived) but I thought to myself, do you know what? I'm just not going to play the aren't we so embarrassed game. I'm going to stand my ground.

So I relaxed, looked him in the eye, and tried to be friendly and confident. He can feel how he wants to about it, but I'm not going to hide away in a corner. And actually, he appeared to relax too after a bit.

Good for you, OP

I think you've been fab about the whole thing, actually.

I really think a bit of OLD would be a morale- boost and help you put all this in perspective.

Random and weird, yes, but you don't have to take it deadly seriously?

FWIW I think you sound fab and will be finding your way around a naked man sooner than you think!

He obviously did like you - he suggested meeting up first. It just happened to coincide with the beginning of his relationship with the other woman. If you'd had that chat with him a few weeks earlier it could have been very different. Bad timing is all.

You've done nothing wrong; in fact I'm very impressed by how mature and reasonable you sound! Please don't feel embarrassed. He liked you, sent mixed messages, you responded. Next time will be different!

That would be nice Handywoman

I was once friends with a guy for almost 6 months before I found out he had a girlfriend (the difference being that I was relieved as I didn't want more than friendship with him where as he seemed a bit keen).

He didn't mention her to me once in all that time and I found out through other means like you did. It later transpired that this had been very deliberate on his part as he was interested in me. His girlfriend then hated me and we are no longer friends.

It sounds to me like something similar is going on here because from your texts and whatnot I think you definitely could have been interpreted as possibly interested, so he should have mentioned her really.

I hope you find someone soon that is not attached!

You've done nothing wrong. I think he did like you and for whatever reason, he was hedging, or maybe he was flattered.

I had/have a friend like that. I was living overseas for 2 years, and was part of a group of people who hung around together (eg like an expats group) and I was close to a guy and a few girls. There were other people too in that group. We were just friends but we were v close friends... To the point that people thought we were an item or nearly an item.

He never mentioned he had a fiancée (!!!) or at least, a v serious girlfriend. It took a lot of explaining on his part. Only found out when I relocated to the UK and he said that he'd see me in London soon. I said why, and he said because of her. And that's when her existence came to my knowledge!!

So you didn't do anything wrong or read anything wrongly. Good luck for your next venture!!

I guess if that was true, then it might have been nice for him to say, 'You know what fishfingers, at the time I asked I was interested in hooking up and getting to know you more. But soon after, so and so and I became exclusive so a date with you was no longer on the cards'.

I would have accepted that and appreciated the honesty. Instead he is possibly allowing me to believe I imagined any interest on his part and so feel a fool.

I guess I just have to get comfortable with the fact that I'll never really know for sure either way.

We live in a small community though. It's possible he assumed I already knew about his girlfriend. But then he did mention her in conversation once, saying he "knew" her, as though she was just an acquaintance. At that point they can only have been seeing each other for a couple of months at the most. But surely he must have realised I didn't know about her when I asked him out FGS! It's not a deception he could have kept up forever - there are only ever about two degrees of separation between anyone around where we live and this woman and I are connected through our children too. But it does feel as though he deliberately withheld the fact that he was involved with someone else.

Oh pah. Not that it matters now anyway really. It's a relief to be free from all the does he/doesn't he and I'm starting to feel much much better and as though I can hold my head up high. I'm going out tomorrow with friends too and I'm really looking forward to it

Yet another update.

Fast forward a few months and this guy is very friendly. If we are both there for school pick up he always comes and talks to me and wants to chat.

I thought he was just trying to show he wasn't going to be awkward about things and wanted to put me at my ease. But it feels like more than that. He goes above and beyond the five minutes of niceties it would require just not to be a dick about a misunderstanding that happened ages ago.

The other day he approached me to say he'd seen something I'd written on social media about a health related service I wasn't happy with. He said he knew someone brilliant and was I going to be at a social event the next night - he could bring me the details? Sure enough, he brought the details for me the next night. Thoughtful.

Then there was another social event this evening and we were both there. He sought me out and talked to me all evening - sitting with me at a stall I was running and standing with me to watch some other stuff that was going on. We were talking about how as single parents who alternate christmasses with ex partners we were both alone last christmas. "Aw you should have given me a ring!" he said. As if! We don't know each other very well and our main contact has involved me supposedly misinterpreting his romantic/sexual interest in me.

I feel confused. He is still in a relationship with the woman mentioned upthread and it appears to be getting really quite serious - she recently updated her social media profile to a picture of them both with all their children - so a kind of blended family photo. Perhaps he feels that now the misunderstanding has been made clear, he is free to pursue a friendship with me? He obviously likes me as a person and enjoys talking to me. I enjoy talking to him too.

I just don't think, if the roles were reversed, that I would be acting around me the way he does. I think I would find it more appropriate to be decent and polite, but not to be actively pursuing a friendship. It's confusing? If I was going purely on his behaviour of the last few weeks and discounting what had gone before (ie if I thought he was single) I would believe he was interested in me.

Is my radar really so fucked? I guess some men are just really comfortable having women as friends. I think he's one of those.

I think you are spending too much energy on this one man. For me this all says that you are ready to date again so give it a go!

he's a player

steer clear

I am Shiny - dipping my toe into the online waters again. Chatting to a few people with a view to meeting up. We shall see

That's the spirit!