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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

friend playing up

19 replies

springydaffs · 15/05/2015 17:29

Just working this out -

I've recently had a grim dx and this friend has been great, done all the right things, tipped up immediately (with flowers), offered herself for panicky nighttime calls should I need it - and I know she meant it. She is not a gushy sort. 10/10 on supportive and genuine friend front.

We see one another regularly-ish and she recently invited me to hers for a meal - her behaviour was vile with a capital V. I felt not so much treading on eggshells as treading on broken glass. She was awful . I couldn't put a foot right without her snapping and sniping, controlling, demanding.. It was gruesome! Actually, it was EA.

I don't want to see her or even talk to her (my phone is currently ringing and it's her: I'm not taking the call!). This is not the first time she has been like this and I have had to be quick off the mark at times - I suppose this time I was slow as I was too deflated generally. This time was by far the worst she's ever been.

She alluded to PMT but I just can't accept this. I have suffered appalling PMT in the past but never behaved like this with anyone. Tbf if anyone could be vile bcs they're hard-pressed, it was me. I wouldn't dream of it, regardless what I'm going through.

If I'm looking at actions speaking louder than words then she passes with flying colours - she has been wonderful (and I'd miss her sterling and heartfelt support at a horrible time if I'm honest) and this is not new, we have a good mutual friendship; but I can't face her - I'm actually frightened of the person she was that night.

What would I like to do? Tell her her behaviour that night was vile and completely unacceptable; that I value and love her but I never again want to be in a position where I am subjected to such horrible behaviour. It would come across with great force at the moment!

I could do without this tbf. I'm feeling confused, angry - actually, outraged.

OP posts:

monkeysaymoo · 15/05/2015 17:36

I would email her and tell her exactly why you are upset and tell her you can't deal with it at the moment and ask her to keep her distance for a while.. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and you need to take care of yourself right now

GoatsDoRoam · 15/05/2015 17:45

It's kind of hard to understand how someone can be both "10/10 genuine and supportive", and also "vile, controlling,...".

It sounds like you have a lot going on with your health and emotions right now. Self-care is the order of the day. If you can do without interactions with this particular friend right now, then do without interactions with this particular friend right now.

Original poster

springydaffs · 15/05/2015 17:54

I think that at a time like this, friends are important. I am single, no family (NC). most of my friends are single and we value our friendships.

Probably at any other time I could sideline her without too much angst but the stakes are high at present? Probably why I am in a spin about it.

I've been thinking, since posting, that if I had a casual boyf who was wonderful, supportive, did all the right things at the right times... but then subjected me to a gruesome evening at his, citing work stress.....

OP posts:

SugarOnTop · 15/05/2015 19:29

yes, yes and yes!!!!! Her response to that will tell you what she's really like underneath the 'friend' facade. It isn't the first time she has behaved like that with you and it won't be the last, and i think you will find that her 'actions that she passes with flying colours' are dependent on you allowing her to treat you like a punching bag whenever she feels like it. what kind of friend would act all concerned and helpful about your situation and then without a moments thought deliberately treat you so despicably?! Not a real friend that's for sure.

make your boundaries clear with her - you will NOT put up with vile treatment from a man ever again and you are NEVER taking it from somebody who calls themself your 'friend' - no matter what their excuse!

Quitelikely · 15/05/2015 19:40

If she is as great as you say maybe it is worth having it out with her - nicely.

It's not often that you find friends who are so great you can call them in the night and so on.

Can I ask, is it a case of you being strong and not needing her as much? Or were you in a bad place at your last meeting? Maybe she prefers you one way or the other.....

I quite like you so I'll be your friend

Original poster

springydaffs · 15/05/2015 23:48

Thank you quite

I've definitely had some run-ins with her. At the very start of our friendship I had to - calmly - tackle her about something she did that was very off. She kicked off, viciously, and I stopped her in her tracks ("oh, are we arguing? I'm not here to argue"). I got the sense she is used to wiping the floor with ppl and was surprised she'd met her match.

Bcs she is very bright, as sharp as a pin, and I like that very much. She can be very considerate, kind, appropriately supportive, steps up to a crisis, open about her own needs and need for support. She's flawed, certainly, but who isn't?

But that night was something else; beyond the pale. She was a MONSTER. She was a bully, a martinet. Was it bcs I was off my game? I've certainly noticed she doesn't do this in public or when other ppl are present.

( I'm feeling uncomfortable dissecting her like this - i don't talk to my friends about my friends, let alone talking about them on a public forum.)

OP posts:

Original poster

springydaffs · 15/05/2015 23:57

To answer your suggestion, quite: the 'off' thing she did was along the lines of her treating me as some kind of project. I had to put that straight.

OP posts:

Original poster

springydaffs · 16/05/2015 00:15

Thank you, Sugar. That's very validating [heart]

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 16/05/2015 01:11

at the very start of your friendship you had to tackle her about something she did that was very off? out of interest, how long have you been friends?

you don't sound very compatible at all, is it worth all the angst?

She's not the 'gushy' sort but turned up with flowers? that sounds quite contradictory to me. how can she even be classed by you as a 10/10 on the supportive 'genuine' friend scale when she has been snappy, gruesome, demanding and sniping? and you're walking on eggshells.
sorry OP i just don't get it.

Gralick · 16/05/2015 01:24

The PMT excuse might just be true. Some women get it so badly, there are proper medical names for the different manifestations. I think you should write that email / make that speech. You've every right to make your feelings known. As you value your friendship, it's worth finding out what's really going on and whether it's manageable.

Sorry that happened to you; it must have been very disturbing.

mommyof23kids · 16/05/2015 02:19

Had you not been thankful enough of her kindness? Was the focus too much on you and she had to take you down a peg? Is she a bit like a toddler, like an angel when things are going well for her and she's feeling good but awful when she has to do things she doesn't want to do or not the centre of attention?

sadwidow28 · 16/05/2015 02:59

I would write the email - honest but kind.

You may get one back telling you some home-truths about how much you have drained her. (So be ready for that).

I hope you can sort this out - friends who have been available 'at the the drop of a hat' are so few and far between. Even family don't do that.

Original poster

springydaffs · 16/05/2015 13:06

Yes, you are right, sadwidow: drop of a hat friends are few and far between.

So far I've seen it as 'spirit is willing but flesh is weak' - she wouldn't be the only one eh.

That's not to say that I should, or would, take behaviour like the other night - shocking. If she does indeed have diagnosed PMS, gralick, I would expect her to take responsibility for that re 'I can be a bit vile'. I've known her a while and no conversation along these lines has come up. As it is, she is blithely sailing along as if nothing has happened, as if she didn't chew me up and leave me for dead.

Something happened that had a bit of a narc whiff to it - I am in fashion and have given her shopping trip advice - and sometimes small gifts - on eg clothes, style etc. She looks fab, and I am very complimentary about that; she in turn is very grateful, vociferous about it. She is a bit scatty/academic and put the word out she needed some plates (after another dinner party - she's a great one for hospitality)and could ppl keep an eye out. I saw a great set, stupidly cheap - under £10! Which she knew btw - and bought it for her. Good name, plain white, stylish - perfect. I said 'I have something for you' and set it up a bit - I was looking forward to giving them to her. She took one look and didn't say a word. She took them and hasn't said a word to this day despite my plumping for a response eg 'lovely plates!' when i'm at hers - zero reaponse. It didnt register on her radar and i can't help thinking it was too.... workaday? Not sparkly and spangling a la the other stuff; that has made her, personally, look fab and.... special.

Narc ex was like this. Other narcs in the family, too (hence NC). One doesn't want to think the world is crawling with narcs but sometimes it's rather deflating to suspect yet another has popped up. You may be right mommy. Pfft.

OP posts:

Original poster

springydaffs · 16/05/2015 13:26

I'm waiting to calm down btw. I will tackle her but I need to be calm - not only for her sake (I can be quite erm tough ) but also for mine if the last time I tackled her is anything to go by: in which a molten jet shot out in my direction.

Really appreciate being able to bash it out here btw. Thanks for all responses

OP posts:

Gralick · 16/05/2015 13:37

Hmm ... I trust your narc radar, Springy. It might be a case of deciding whether you can put up with the histrionics for the sake of an otherwise good relationship, or if doing so would endanger your hard-won emotional balance.

Cabrinha · 16/05/2015 14:14

The plates situation is just weird, on both parts.
She was rude not to thank you.
But I'd be pretty pissed off with "ooooh lovely plates" comments from you.

Cabrinha · 16/05/2015 14:15

But more generally - you have to tell her it's not acceptable to go at you like that. One strike and she's out.

Boredofitall2345 · 16/05/2015 16:14

Hello...I've had a few experiences like this. I think you should raise it with her, very calmly. Think carefully in advance what you are going to say and that you also appreciate what she has done for you recently BUT etc. say you can't tolerate it, need a little bit of space because of current health but fix a date for lunch in say 3 weeks time. So that gives you both some breathing space.

It's VERY important to explain to friends if behaviour is off otherwise it risks becoming an entrenched dynamic in the friendship and then generally one person just has to cut the other off as they get so aggrieved and downtrodden it's nearly impossible to say something. Also, by saying this to her you are showing her that you are not a doormat.

If you can't face speaking to her about this then write an email. Either way, be clear but gentle and warm. And couch it in positivity I.e. I value you and what you have done for me lets meet up for a special lunch on x date

Good luck xxx

Coyoacan · 16/05/2015 19:32

The PMT excuse might just be true. Some women get it so badly, there are proper medical names for the different manifestations

I used to work with someone with someone who was dreadful for two weeks out of every month, she was awaiting a hysterectomy.

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