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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Revenge porn help

45 replies

Allbymyselfagain · 15/05/2015 16:02

I know ive been stupid. Ive been exceptional stupid. Ive just split up with my ex and he's now threatening to put nude photos of me online and send them to my family and colleagues. What can I do?

OP posts:
pictish · 18/05/2015 20:49

What an absolute arse! Does he really imagine you would take him back after that? Really?

Allbymyselfagain · 19/05/2015 08:16

I know! he said it was because he didn't know how he could live with the pain and he just got angry and wanted to hurt me back. There is a mumsnet big red bulb alarm in my head now that goes off whenever I hear shit like that!

OP posts:
pictish · 19/05/2015 09:45

A normal, well adjusted person just lives with the pain. A damaged and dangerous person seeks to threaten and cause harm.

Fundamentally this man lacks moral value. He believes he has the right to punish you severely for not loving him.
When you really think about that, it's completely fucked up. Love is not something you bully out of people! A normal, well adjusted person does not want a relationship with someone they've had to threaten in order to get!

Now he's full of regret and apologies...he hopes you'll take pity on him because he's just soooo sad.
As a normal, well adjusted person, you will feel sympathy for him, which is understandable...being the cause of someone else's pain is not high on the agenda for you. But listen...you acknowledge that only to yourself. Give him nothing.

You need to get shot of this person from your life.

LurkingHusband · 19/05/2015 14:40

Please call the police they will visit him and make him delete all he has.

Assuming there is nothing illegal in the images the police do not have this power.

Allbymyselfagain · 19/05/2015 23:18

Oh god I told him tonight it's defianitly over, stop texting me, and he's spent the last hour on the phone to me telling me what scum I am. He reckons he's going round my mums tomorrow to show her everything. How can someone be so horrible?

OP posts:
Allbymyselfagain · 19/05/2015 23:20

I am never never dating again. How can you tell the shits from the nice guys? He seemed so nice. In fact I posted a few months ago that I felt he was too nice for me. What the hell do I do now. He also threatened to jump in front of a car. I don't deserve to be happy. Im such an awful person

OP posts:
queenofthepirates · 19/05/2015 23:32

Why were you on the phone to him letting him be horrible for an hour? You poor love, you really don't have to do that.

Now delete, block, move on and ignore the little nutjob. Let's just hope he doesn't become my next boyfriend.

Jackw · 19/05/2015 23:34

Nope, you are a normal person who wants to end your relationship. He is the awful person. What sort of twit thinks threatening you in this childish way is going to make you think, oh dear, he's good boyfriend material, I've made a big mistake. Did you really listen to him telling you what scum you are for an hour? Why didn't you just end the call after 5 minutes? Seriously, this is ridiculous drama. Don't do anything, he isn't going to go round your mum's and he isn't going to jump in front of a car. Switch your phone off, go to bed and ignore all this melodrama.

Allbymyselfagain · 19/05/2015 23:40

Yes I did listen to him for a hour. He veers between telling me how hurt he is and how much he loves me to calling me afat little freak whose life he is going to ruin. I feel so sick. Ive blocked him on fb so now hes telling me I'm making this worse for myself. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. Im so scared now.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 19/05/2015 23:43

Tell him that you have already been to the police regarding his threats and will go again if he continues to threaten or harass you. Then stop having anything more to do with him.

Oldraver · 19/05/2015 23:50

FGS woman an HOUR listening to his whining ?

I would call into the police again and tell them he is escalating...and dont answer the blummin phone

zippey · 19/05/2015 23:51

Go to the police.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/05/2015 00:05

Please go to the police. He sounds dangerous.

goddessofsmallthings · 20/05/2015 02:04

Do you actually want to end this relationship? If so, you will send him one last text stating that you logged his threats with the police yesterday and that he'll be receiving a visit from them if he continues to threaten and harass you.

Follow through by blocking his number/hanging up the phone immediately if he manages to get through and call the police if he fetches up at your home/place of work.

Needless to say, should he make any more threats of any nature, go back to police station you visited yesterday and ask them to take action against him.

He didn't get to be a deranged control freak overnight.. he'll have done it before and if you let him get away with it, he'll do it again.

However, if there's a part of you that's revelling in the drama, continue as you were and it will escalate into a long-running performance where you may find yourself literally running for your life.

SecondMrsAshwell · 20/05/2015 09:53

He's going to show your Mum everything? That means he hasn't deleted it.

Make a detailed note of what he said. Go back to the police. Get this logged too, even if you decide to take no action. That way, if he carries on, you have evidence of a course of action, which amounts to harrassment.

Joysmum · 20/05/2015 09:55

Go to the police, this is just the start so although it's a big 'bud' it's a bud that needs nipping now before it grows. Sad

pictish · 20/05/2015 10:00

Oh God phone the police - he's unhinged and there's no telling where he will go with this.
Just put paid to it now. Call 101 to seek advice about how you should proceed. Or Women's Aid - they too will offer invaluable guidance.

Listen to me - you are at risk from this crazy bastard. He's a nasty one.
Don't be his victim. Sort it out.

SuchSweetSorrow · 20/05/2015 10:04

Yes definitely go to the police today

sarascompact · 20/05/2015 10:37

Definitely, definitely return to the police and tell them you want this logged and action taken. They will care, you're not wasting their time, this is important. It's harassment and it's blackmail.

Then send him a message by text, email or snail mail saying that you've no wish to hear from him again, that there is a police incident raised and that if he makes any further contact with you in any way you'll consider it harassment and will press for criminal charges to be brought against him. Keep a copy of that message and/or if it's sent by mail, send it recorded delivery. You have to give him that written warning before charges can be brought, that's the process of law. Generally the police turn a blind eye to one further contact from him as frequently there will an immediate, knee jerk response from the other party. Anything beyond that is considered a pattern of sustained harassment and that's when the police will act.

You might consider it in your interest at this point to add that you have made your family and close friends aware of the photos and his attempts to blackmail you and that they will report any such contact to the police. In your shoes I would tell family and friends what he's threatening - the shame is his, not yours.

If he rears his ugly head again DON'T ENGAGE WITH HIM, hard as it is not to bite, because if you do it sets you back and you'll again have to go through the process of warning him not to contact you before you are able to take any legal action. Just keep all copies of all correspondence and take them to the police. Whatever you do, don't answer any calls from him (or from withheld numbers for the time being).

Personally I'd ignore all the above and just 'send the boys round to have a word' but I realise that this wouldn't be everyone's preferred way of dealing with it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/05/2015 10:40

Block any way he has of contacting you
Go back to the police and get them to go round and scare him
He's using the photo threat to keep contact with you and I expect you are keeping contact for that exact reason - to try to stop him - but as long as he can threaten you he can control you so send the police in. You can't handle this alone any more.

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