I feel so incredibly alone, scared to make decision

[Winniethewylde]

Ok so as title suggests I know full well want I want to do but I'm petrified. I read hundreds of posts on here from people whose DH has walked out, doesn't love them anymore, had an affair, been abusive etc and I totally and utterly get that but what about the women who just aren't happy? Who no longer want to put up with feeling like crap. Who think they deserve more out of a marriage/life? Is that just selfish on my part? Should I be 'trying' harder?

Has anyone felt like me and done something about it? I'm at my wits end and can't envisage another 40 years of this.

oh sweetheart, I really feel for you.
Do some research to find out what your options are, Citizens Advise are a good place to start, or check out local family law solicitors that offer a free half an hour and go for chat. Make sure before you go you have a list of questions, half an hour will go by really quick if you aren't prepared.
Does your husband know how you feel? Is there any way the marriage can be worked on and repaired?

Thank you for replying. I've been to cab but they just sent me off with a list of websites. I haven't been to a solicitor yet.

Yes my DH knows, I'm having counselling and we've both started couple counselling but I feel so trapped, down and desperate.

I finished with my dh for the reasons you stated, to be fair I had given him so many chances to change and put more effort in but we drifted further and further apart until I just didn't feel anything for him anymore. I asked him to leave and he was very shocked, thought all the times I had told him I wasn't happy was just me joking with him.

I don't regret splitting, it has been hard and it's lonely at times but my life no longer feels like a lie.

Women are conditioned to keep trying, to make things better...........sometimes you get to a stage where you've done all you can and you have to walk away, not all relationships work out in the long run, be truthful to yourself and make your decision.

Does your dh know you want to leave? What does he say?

Do you have a job? Children? Money to get away?

Is it supporting yourself and moving that you are afraid of?

never has hit the nail on the head. We have drifted so far apart it's unbelievable. We've had the conversation so many times too, he never made any changes or if he did it didn't last. Now we are having counselling he's trying again but it's a case of too little too late. I'm a shadow of the person I once was and feel so let down by it all.

That's the trouble, I have no job. I am a sahm to 2 young dcs and have little in the way of savings due to the fact that only until recently I had to use my savings to buy anything I wanted, or go cap in hand to DH with a list of good reasons.

My life does feel like a lie too. I've lost all confidence in social situations as from the outside looking in we appear like the perfect family. It's exhausting keeping up the pretence so I avoid going out now.

Winnie, just to let you know you are not alone. There are many of us I think. I just sit sometimes with no desire to "be" at all. Big love xx

I was on the same boat me and h only got married a year ago been together 6 but we were just difting along frowning further and further apart and one night aftrr a disagreement I'd had enough!! We have been apart 3months I still do wonder if I made the right choice as he wants to get back together! Things got so negative between us though I'm not sure it can be repaired!!

I'm in a similar position, it's so hard isn't it.

I don't really have anything useful to add, except just to let you know you are not alone

I felt the same. From the outside, I had it all, inside there was a huge amount missing. The thought of spending another 40 years like that made my stomach churn. I'm much happier now we've parted.

All my life I've needed to be with someone. Making ridiculous decisions staying rather than be alone. Now id rather be alone because I had a breakdown and learned that I can be alone and not feel lonely. I don't need anybody anymore. People stay as it's easier or out of fear. It's good being alone not answering to someone, not having to do their cleaning or explain what you're spending your hard earned cash on. Takes time to learn to love ourselves enough to know that being alone is enough rather than compromising who we are.

Thanks for sharing everyone. I think for the first time in my life, like flabulous says I just want to be on my own (with the dcs), do my own thing, when I want, not be made to feel bad about it or have to explain myself. I think the counselling is making me see that I have to be true to myself too. It would kill me to stay like this for the foreseeable and I'm setting a truly awful example of marriage to the dcs. We aren't just talking a few months of problems, this has been going on for years. I feel like I can't stick my head in the sand anymore.

I was told to ask myself this the other day- is the relationship working for you? If no and you have done everything you can to resolve the situation it's time to take action.
Life is too short x

IANAL* but in terms of the practical side of things a financial settlement should be made that will enable you to continue staying at home with the DC until their are old enough to reasonably be able to have child care while you work. Depending on your H's job etc, he would need to share childcare costs with you so don't panic too much that he would force you back to work immediately. But you must be prepared that when the DC are school age you would be expected to work, unless you got a very generous settlement.

Presuming you own your house there are different ways to split it - sell now and split the equity, a mesher order which means you could stay there til the kids are grown (I believe this is unlikely if there is a still a considerable mortgage.) he could buy you out and stay there - I'm assuming from your post that you couldn't buy him out.

On the emotional side, I think youve given it your best shot, but it sounds like you've grown apart. You're not obliged to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

*i am not a lawyer. so you should consult one - several in fact - to help you get a idea of how things could pan out for you. There will be a way out of this marriage - it may mean adjusting your lifestyle, but there will be a way out.