Wife won't fully share parenting with me......

[flashpotata100]

Hi all,

This is the first time I have turned to such a forum for advice, but I am really at the end of my tether. Sorry for the long-winded post but I have a lot to get off my chest......

My wife and I had our first baby 8 weeks ago - a beautiful happy and healthy girl. Of course I am biased, but she really is the most precious thing.

As this is the first baby, of course I didn't really know what to expect, but my presumption would be that rearing a child would be an exhausting but ultimately rewarding process. I knew that we wouldn't know everything from day one, and large elements of parenting, as I understood it, would be learned 'on the job'. I took the view that as long as you and your partner love and trust each other and you shower the little one with affection then you eventually find your way through.

Alas, the reality for me has been very different. From the moment that our daughter was born my wife has struggled to relax and fully share the responsibility of parenting with me. She is very reluctant to leave me alone to let me bottle feed the baby, bathe the baby, change nappies etc etc. The times when she does let me do these things she is usually within very close proximity constantly commenting on poor capabilities of doing such things. I consider myself to be a very responsible/capable adult and it drives me crazy that I can't just be left to do these things and bond with my daughter in the process. In addition to these 'hands on' operational things, my opinions regarding all things baby are largely ignored, this again is very difficult for me to accept, but for the sake of a peaceful household I feel that I have to just back down and remain quiet. Evidently my opinions are worthless because A) I am a man and B) I have not had kids before and C) I spend all day at work.

This brings be on to the next issue - my wife is fortunate to have 12 months maternity leave from work but of course as the man and the main breadwinner I have to continue working full time. I have a very responsible and remunerative job that enables us to live a good life (we live in London). I get home every day at about 7.30pm, I make dinner for us, do a few chores and all the grocery shopping etc etc. Despite this, I am told that I do 'nothing' or 'not enough'. I am addressing the lateness issue by taking a scooter test that will enable me to buy a moped get home 30 mins earlier. Surely there is a value in putting a roof over our head and food on the table? (we have a cleaner and someone else does the ironing, although my wife insists on ironing baby grows/socks/mittens herself for 'hygiene reasons' - a pointless and time consuming habit she picked up from her mother).

My wife spends all day at home alone with the baby, and of course gets tired and emotional, and I keep telling her that she needs to take a break, hand the baby over to me and go out for shopping/massage/sleep-whatever, but she won't leave me and baby in the house. I have tried to discuss all this with her, but again the rhetoric revolves around the fact that I can't just waltz in from work and have an opinion.

Because of the above I am starting to withdraw more and more into myself. I am now accused of spending too much time 'plugged into TV or the iPad' but this is effectively me just burying my head in the sand. We are part of a fabulous NCT group locally, but I feel I can't disclose these problems to them because they know us both, and that it could be a bit disrespectful to my wife to tell them all this.

After the baby was born my mother-in-law came to stay with us for a month. I welcomed the assistance but now I resent the fact that my wife trusted her to help out and not me (now). My parents are desperate to see more of their 5th grandchild (have visited for one afternoon only so far) and so I offered the possibility of my mother coming to stay for a few days to just help out. My wife rejected this on the basis that it would ruin her 'routine', but to me its clear that she doesn't trust them to help out. I unilaterally invited them anyway and they are staying with us this weekend whilst I am at home - who knows what the outcome of that will be but no doubt I will be in line for more criticism afterwards.

For the avoidance of doubt, there have been no negative events in our marriage/parenthood (eg affairs, drink/drug problems, baby care errors etc) although, I met my wife abroad and when we moved to London 2.5 years ago she was very homesick at first.

If things continue as they are its only a matter of time before my marriage fails completely. I would be happy to consider counselling or literally anything that will help. I guess/hope that when the child is older the wife may relax and let me get stuck in, but how much damage and resentment will be stored up in the mean time ???

Has anyone experienced anything similar ? Am I being unreasonable?

Happy to hear any suggestions.....please?

Somewhat unfair to call the OP completely unreasonable Smiling.

The bloke is doing his best and getting rejected as a father

My DW was a quite a control freak when DD was born.
From experience just be patient with her.
If she wants to hover around then let her and try not to take it personally.

Eventually she WILL get tired of it.

if that makes me selfish then tough

Yes, tough shit baby. Your mother wants you all to herself, so you don't get to bond with your Dad.

DP gets plenty of time to bond with DS and they already have a lovely relationship, I never said I wanted him all to myself just that I wasn't ready to go out without him. I miscarried last year and nearly lost DS so if im a little clingy and not ready to hand my son over to anyone including his father yet then yes it is tough shit and i couldnt give a shit if its selfish!

I did say I didn't agree with the op's wife standing over him so perhaps it was unfair of me to say he was being completely unreasonable but I still think he is pushing her and the more he pushes the more anxious she will get and the more she will hold on to the baby.

There isn't a two month window of bonding for the baby, it sounds like your wife is overly anxious, which is actually pretty normal for lots of women. That doesn't make it easy but might make it less personal and more understandable. I felt like I was in 'flight or fight' mode in those early weeks and just overreacted to everything, as well as finding it hard at home. I also felt extraordinarily overprotective, if you read the threads here, you will find new mums who don't want anyone touching or picking up their 'own' baby- it all is mixed in with hormones and often is a really difficult emotional time for a new mum.

Talk of ending a marriage two months after having a new baby is laughable. Having a baby is like having a bomb in your marriage! It's a very difficult time and your whole life is turned upside down especially if you are the mum and are not out at work. However, the good news is that this usually sorts itself out, it is perfectly possible to have a rocky start, lots of arguments early on yet work out to being great parents together.

You might have a gentle chat about how concerned you are about her- and how you can help there, I think the idea of supporting the mum to care for the baby is a good one, and I also think that once she does realise she can't keep going in this state of stress and exhaustion, your turn will come. My husband showed little interest and was working full-time with my first, but once she was 18 months old, they started going out together as a little team and they are extremely bonded now.

As for feeding in the night, some people prefer to feed routinely, and I do think if a baby has gone many many hours without feeding, some people will wake them and feed then- I don't think being dismissive of this is necessary at all. Demand feeding is not the only way to feed!

Be kind to her, yourself and realise this is a process you are all working out. No need to barge in on the defensive, talking about marriage difficulties, unless you want to provoke some.

if im a little clingy and not ready to hand my son over to anyone including his father yet then yes it is tough shit and i couldnt give a shit if its selfish!

But what about your baby's right to a relationship with his dad? Surely you want their bond to be just as strong as that which he has with you?

And I should probably clarify that by left alone I meant I hadn't gone out without DS and DP hasn't taken DS out not that he hadn't bathed him (he in fact showers with him every day) or fed him or taken him in the garden so OP I think you should work on doing these kind of things with your DW present once she sees that you are perfectly capable of caring for your DD she will hopefully start leaving you to get on with it.

I felt really, really sorry for you OP I think that you have been very reasonable, considering the huge (wonderful) change in your family that is bound to make you both tired and at risk of saying the wrong thing to each other or making mistakes.

Apart from advising you to talk to your wife I don't know what to suggest.

I think you should work on doing these kind of things with your DW present once she sees that you are perfectly capable of caring for your DD she will hopefully start leaving you to get on with it.

But she doesn't see that he is perfectly capable. Perhaps he's incompetent, but perhaps he's just doing it differently. There's a real risk she'll get in to a mindset of "only I can do it right" and that through lack of practice he does lose confidence and competency.

Why are they going to have less of a bond just because in the 5 weeks DS has been here they haven't been out alone together I don't follow them around the house DP baths him, feeds him, plays with him , changes his nappies I just happen to be in the house unlike the OP's DW I'm not looking over his shoulder all the time in fact DS 's first smile was at DP, he is as bonded to his dad as he is to me.

I think I didn't word my first post right and have given the impression DS is constantly attached to me whilst DP is banished to the shed which really isn't the case.

8 weeks is early, it's unfair & controlling what she's doing but maybe she feels unable to let go, super protective? It will pass...!
I do think some women make men feel like sperm banks though ducks I have a friend (honest) who said after giving birth she could never respect a man again because they'd never go through that experience & were therefore the weaker sex

Hello OP, former midwife here. Some of what you describe sounds normal, protective first time mum and some of it waves flags for PND which is especially likely when living in a foreign country. Keep up all your support and hold on in there because it will pass. Have a chat in a relaxed way about taking on a few regular slots such as weekend bathing and be very open that you need some close contact with your DD as well. Try to tolerate her standing over you, she can't help it . Very gradually it will ease up.

If you consider she is depressed do encourage her to seek help her HV is trained in offering support. Would her mother be able to come again? I realise that leaves you out even more but sadly you have to accept that.

Finally,sorry to pick you up on this but above you refer to your baby as 'it'. I hope you never, ever do that at home....otherwise I might be tempted to say no wonder she's behaving like this.

I was stressed and anxious after having my daughter but made sure my DP could get stuck in and appreciated the help. To be honest he can be a bit of a bell end lol :) in a jokey way...and I was nervous about him not doing things 'right' but I let him crack on regardless and shut my mouth if I thought nappy wasn't quite perfect lol and he is a fantastic dad. You need a chance to get stuck in regardless of if your wife is having a tough time. It's the way you tackle it now that needs to show her you are supportive, love her and the new baby and have the right to/are desperate to get stuck in. Good luck xxx

You sound like lovely husband and Dad, OP.

But I just want to emphasise how the post-pregnancy hormone changes can make you a little mad. I remember ironing baby gros and socks obsessively. I was paranoid about stuff not being sterile clean. If I dropped one sock out of a load of washing, I did it ALL again.

This only lasted a few weeks, and I became quite relaxed about ironing and hygiene again.

So cut her some slack, and don't think she's just being difficult. She probably can't help herself at the moment.

I agree with you vivacia but it has only been 8 weeks and if he has spent those weeks pushing her about having his parents stay and trying to get her to go for a massage (which is lovely of him but could be seen by the DW as trying to get her out of the way) then she may just be feeling anxious and unsupported. If he pulls back a bit and takes the pressure off she will hopefully relax and see things differently, of course if in a couple of weeks nothing has changed then he needs to talk to her again.

How can you say the OP is being completely unreasonable Smiling. What if this was reversed? What if it was the father not allowing the mother to be involved?

I have every sympathy for you, it must be very frustrating and disappointing for you.

I would urge you to try and be sympathetic towards your wife, rather than hostile where you are seeing her as the problem. The immediate post natal period can be extremely unsettling for some women, and if she feels that you are criticising her you won't get anywhere.

Many women with tiny babies just don't want to let them out of their sight. Of course she should trust you, but clearly at the minute her anxieties just aren't letting her. All you can do is to keep being calm, reassuring, warm towards her. Show your appreciation for the fact that she is caring for your child well. Do things together, let her watch over you when you're changing/bathing/feeding the baby - don't be put off if she criticises you. Ask her (without being confrontational) what she would do, and take her advice on board. You may be a competent and capable parent, but she is also there all day everyday with your baby, and so currently she is the one with the most experience of your baby's particular needs.

I think that worrying about the state of your marriage after just 2 months after one of the most intense and life changing events is a bit unreasonable. Hopefully you are simply panicking and worrying about how to fix things rather than serious about the relationship failing.

Also, any feelings of "damage and resentment" that are caused are mostly within your control. If you catch yourself feeling resentful, remember that your wife is also struggling but in a different way. You're both in it together as a team, not two individuals competing over possession of the baby.

I have already said I was wrong to say he was completely unreasonable

As I said earlier OP, it will get better. It's still early days. You will start to do little things with your kid and it'll feel great. It doesn't sound much but for example, I started getting my daughter out of bed in the morning and changing her before her mother feed her. Doesn't sound like a great deal but to me that was great.

As others have said, keep being considerate and doing as much as you can. Talk to your partner in a supportive way and let her know you are there for her.

Being a new mother is hard but your wife is making it harder by trying to be supermum.

culturesucksdownwords has said exactly what I meant but worded 500 x better than I did

Mide wrote this on p1 which I thought was brilliant, For the first 3 months the best way to be a good dad, is to be a good partner.

Your baby is 8 weeks, let things settle before deciding your marriage is falling apart!

You refer to the baby as 'it'. This will not be reassuring to your wife that you are as attached and loving as she is.

Why are you so keen for her to leave when you look after the baby? That's very weird - I'd be unnerved with a newborn at that. Just look after her while your dw is there. Looking after her on your own can come later when your dw is happier to go somewhere without the baby. It's very normal to want to be with a tiny baby 24/7 after you've just given birth - you were effectively one person until 8 weeks ago and now you're 2 people, but separating is a gradual process. You don't give birth and then say 'right I'm off down the shops for some me-time' - well some might, but don't expect this from your dw or hold it against her.

Having your own parents to stay = help.
Having in-laws or anyone else's parents = guests. This is extra work and you have to be presentable, friendly, acting as host etc.
It's not the same. Don't insist on it, this will NOT help a 'failing' marriage - it won't help anything. She's in the house 24/7, you're out long hours - let her decide who gets to come and stay.

You know she is new to this too. I think having her mother to stay was a good thing. I am glad your parents are longing to see more of their grandchild but try not to make DW she is outnumbered.

If you think about it your DW carried this baby inside her all those months it's hard for her to let go. Do you ever tell her how well she's doing? I know it might feel like undermining your own input but there's so often intense pressure to do everything perfectly and letting her know she's on top of all this might help.

I can see that you feel pushed out and unappreciated. Give it time. Can you talk about being a new father to any of your friends or family?

PS Don't be fooled by "everyone else" apparently coping brilliantly btw - new parents often minimise hassles. This can mask a desperate need not to admit weakness. Babies don't come with instruction booklets. The person at a get-together I attended after our first who opened up and said, "Frankly we're winging it but don't tell our baby that" got some laughs and nods of recognition.

Does your wife have any local friends who have slightly older children? Maybe they could help her sort through which things are not reasonable for her to be worrying about, like ironing baby clothes (sounds so drastic! I never did that for our four kids) and waking baby at night to see if she is hungry (totally absurd, in my opinion.)

When my kids were small I found it really helpful to join a play group, and most of them welcome even women with babies who are not walking yet, because it got me out of the house and talking with other moms.

When my first child was a baby I was also a bit clingy with him, but not with my husband. I was so exhausted I was thrilled when my husband took over the parenting so I could rest. Of course, I went back to a very demanding training program at 10 weeks so I was not home all day. Now we split the parenting and homeschooling of our four children 50/50, as we both work part-time.

Take heart, things will get better. I used to be so grateful when my husband would just stand up and rock our babies. I would lie on the couch and watch them and rest and feel so nurtured myself.