things were improving now this...

[whatisforteamum]

The last few months many things have changed.DF as predicted has been given months to live now his long battle with cancer has worsened and cannot be treated,Dh has been mostly supportive though,
We had our 1st weekend away in 19 yrs and it was great though he did snap at me a couple of times.
Dh has started councelling for his temper since his heart attack and had a hearing test at last as he has to have the tv on so loud it is quite stressful and mostly i cant watch films with him.
I had asked to go back to my old work hrs part time however my boss has given me twice as many for months and the extra money has been lovely and i havent had time to ask dh to go anywhere with me as we have opposite days off and he gets up 430 i get in midnight which is mostly good.
thursday was a good day getting Ds through GCSES baking then work.I even agreed to go to my first ever works party and booked a make up artist and have a new dress to ,wear which is unheard of for me as im not really the going out type or far too busy .
On my return from work i notice the most ridculous pile of stinky washing up and asked why no one had done it dd is unemployed so usually helps out and dhhad decided to cook burgers and onions etc.
I pointed out he didnt have to do it just ask her she knew when i cooked tea i was off to the school art show then onto work next thing Dh is out of the bath slamming plates and trays about i am amazed they didnt smash ds came out of his room and scurried past after some effing and slamming it was done,
I went to bed heart pounding as i had had such a good productive day and Mum had good news from her oncologist(she gets checked every 4 months) my colleague was pleased i covered his shift after he helped me and my son loved the help i gave him.
Now i feel anxious and a bit angry that something i was looking forward to is spoiled he is still in a bad mood today as i was F..ing moaning when i asked if he was doing the school run as he usually does the fri one as he is off.Not sure i want to get all dressed up to go out with mr angry however it would be lovely after sad times hearing df s cancer is everywhere and hard winter thanks for reading,

It does sound like he hasn't really dealt with your affair then doesn't it? Could be that his heart attack has caused a mid life crises where he has assessed his life and decided he doesn't like it but is stuck with it too. You said that prior to his heart attack he was lovely with you so can you say why you had your affair 11 years ago?

You are living with Mr Eggshells aren't you. If you are in limbo while your DF is so poorly I don't blame you for employing a coping strategy for the time being. I suppose as outsiders our worry is there's always going to be something to stop you from taking steps to change things - if not sick parents then unemployed DD or DS finishing school. But you must do as you see fit. Life isn't always tidy is it.

I'm missing something here I think. If OP had an affair couldn't this be in some way have played a huge part in this scenario? If your not happy and he is not happy then time to separate .

Well i guess i was waiting for him to change back.If someone is placid and caring for yrs it is hard to realise they have changed maybe for good.One hols the other weekend he was nice and pretty much his old self.I have heard of a something where two "nice" people dont want to be the one to rock the boat.
I had an affair as an escape from all work and no freetime which was immature as it wasnt the dcs fault that we had no family help and hardly saw each other through juggling our jobs so as not to incurr childcare costs and taking it in turns to have hols at different times to cover school hols.
I was only thinking earlier that turning 50 was a definate turning point.
i have come upstairs from work today so i dont see the ironing downstairs as he cooks a roast tea and i mentioned about dd hoovering as i was up at 730 got home at 530 no lunch break.He told me i go on and he feels he cant do right for wrong eventhough i always say thank you for any tea cooked or chores done(no one thanks me though my ds said thank you for the cake i baked).
I never knew what hard work some people can be and could easily see myself alone.Our ds is 16 so when he is 18 the house can be sold if necescary.Everyone even me has their cut off point for compromise :)

If you can't talk about why or how he has changed since his heart attack then nothing will change. He acts like a man not in love with you. Do you wonder if he has/is having an affair?

It has crossed my mind as he cheated on me when we first bought our house.If he didit would be during his work hrs as the rest of the time he has doctors appointments or he is here with the dcs doing chores apart from his golf once a month.Last yr was dreadful with my job changing hands and working until midnight and some w ends he wouldnt rearrange any golf so i had 2 days out with him and no chance of any hols as we knew dfs cancer and possibly dms would return but he said i couldnt make him feel guilty !! trying to get him to go anywhere with me.Guess it is a waiting game and i do have savings set aside as i believe you should be able to get away if you have too.Thanks for all the advice :)

He acts like a man not in love with you.

Milllli he sounds like a moan-a-minute which was why I was surprised what said they'd been away for a weekend.

A lot of water has gone under the bridge since that incident with OM and something has kept the marriage going. Grimly hanging on or trying to keep the peace while the DCs are still living at home?

Donkeys yes, there seems to have been a whole lot gone on that isn't really gone into here so its not really possible to give an good reply.

i came home last nightfrom work dh was in bed ill.He hadnt spoken to the dcs just had a bath and watching tv.He said he felt drained and had sneezed.He took a rare day off work but with ds doing gcses i said set an alarm anyway for 7,I duly set up my bed downstairs and woke with terrible knee pain(i had asked colleagues to swop as i had i 8 hr day then 2 13hrs and no one could so so my knees hurt sometimes as it is such a fast paced job.
Anyway getting on with rabbit hutch 2 washes hoovering etc i asked if he could poss do school run at 8.He wasnt sick or anything.When he returned i suggest sleeping in ds room so i could get on with chores that need doing and was told im f**king awake now.It looks increasingly like the man i knew has changed beyond recognition and at some point before df passes away i need to lookfor somewhere i can sleep in a bed without walking on eggshells.Everyone needs to make allowances for people but i seem to be making alot of excuses.Last summer was awful and i am not sitting in here while he goes out or shouts at me or dcs.Thank you so much for replying

What, it does seem like you're flogging a dead horse.

I simply do not grasp why you accept sleeping on the floor....for seemingly YEARS? It just seems to say everything about where he values you, and also where you value yourself. How can anyone decent allow this to go on? I have honestly never heard the like. Whatever the back story to this, it's just unacceptable, shocking even.

I is utterly shocking. He treats you like you are some sort of slave - it is just hideous. And you have both been unfaithful? Sounds like your relationship was over years ago quite frankly.

I just find it incredible....you don't even warrant a BED? This is so far from normal, and the most disturbing thing is that for you all, this IS normal. What a striking metaphor. This has to change. HAS to.