Broken family .. Broken heart

[Bambino1234]

I just want to be able to move on and I don't know how to do it.
I'm moving past us as a couple.

But saying goodbye to my family is hard, really hard.
I know I am lucky to have my children and enjoy them. But I miss sharing it with their dad, I miss having the support and the shared love for our children.

Just find it hard how a father just walks away from two children with no fight - yes he may have been miserable but surely if your going to break a family up you'd discuss it before hand ? He had no interest when he left , he sees them one day a week but lately he cries every time he leaves them - I don't need to see that, it fills me with guilt that he left his family for someone who made him happier than me - I am the reason he is apart from the children.
It might not be easy for him but his life is swimming along where as mine is stuck in time, two very unsure children and a me who can't fathom why there was no fight at the beginning and why there's tears on my door step now.

Sorry, can't give you a reason but I experienced exactly the same. It was very hard to have to deal with tears from the person who broke our family.

I had to cut contact with him for a while, partly because of this but three years later my children and just me - we are now a close little family.

Best wishes, take very good care of yourself.

Thank you change2013.
It's been a tough week being a lone parent is hard work especially with all the hurt and heartache trundling around.
We don't talk anymore except with reguards to the children as I found we were picking or talking about things id then be analysing so we keep contact to a minimum - which has helped me move away from him but my children are a constant reminder that we are a family of 3 now and not 4 and I constantly feel worthless and guilty.

Thank you for the reply.
Like you we were just at a turning point in our lives - we were moving and he had started his own business. Compared to what we were battling before work wise it would have freed up time and hopefully provided us a more secure future, if just seems like he saw this as an opportunity to jump ship, but in the process he left so suddenly that now both my children struggle to be away from me for fear that I am going to do the same. They are only 3 and 4 and do not deserve that stress or worry hanging over them, I would never willingly leave them - I am trying to show them that but it is hard.

I feel like he took a part of me away when he went, he's happy living his dreams or our dreams but with a married co worker that left her husband for him ... It just doesn't seem fair that the ones that didn't cause the misery are the ones suffering.

I do look back at our relationship now the rose tinted glasses have worn off and see that it wasn't all fun and laughter, it felt like we had lost ourselves but parenting two small children while he worked 6 days a week and long hours meant that we just got on with things, the whole point of changing his job was to battle the lack of time or atleast appease us that the more time he spent working the better our future would be.

bambino I am so sorry for you. I'm in a similar position, in my case no OW but just the same, grew apart because we were both working so hard and with house, young DCs, life it wasn't much fun. But he just unilaterally decided it want worth working on and emotionally detached. And it is so frustrating that you don't get a chance to see if you can save it, because they've already gone.

Be kind to yourself. Focus on your children, focus on you. The little jobs don't matter, takeaways are fine, keep eating if you can, and tell some friends who can be around to help. It is horrendous but time goes on and you will cope.

Oh Bambino you poor woman. I'm so so sorry you are going through this.

I would just like to say that you are not the reason why your ex is not with his children. He is the reason. Him and his actions. Not you. You have nothing to feel guilty about

I imagine he now realises what he has thrown away and that's what the tears are about. The grass isn't always greener.

Is there any way to not have to see his tears? can he drop them off at the gate and not come to the door? No conversation except through emails and texts. It certainly helped me to do it that way.

There is no way you should be feeling any guilt and his self pitying tears aren't goung to help you move on.

I have no experience of this it sounds tough but you are not the reason he left he chose to have an affair

Op

Can you insist that he sees the children more? After all they are his too.

Have you considered insisting that he has them on a Friday and Saturday night?

Him and his OW need to take of their rose tinted glasses and feel what life is like with the day to day responsibilities with two young children.

They need their weekends interrupted with the reality of what they have created.

She needs to see what she has caused.

You should, in the interim be the best you can be. Hold your head high. Look amazing. Happy when he picks up the children.

Tell him your off out, on a date, you need a life too, you want to have some fun!

That will give him food for thought!

I agree with quitelikely. I'd also add that if he cries again, tell him it's inappropriate and he should keep his tears to himself.

Sorry you're going through this.

Quitelikely - he only has them a Sunday evening into Monday. It is all that fits around his working schedule, if I am to argue this I get the who's going to support them, who's going to pay your bills if I don't work( not that he does pay them) so sometimes it's just easier to accept that this is it.
It's took me a long time to get past the point of wanting him back now I'm there I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I am the reason he walked out on the children, because seeing a child one day a week is not fulfilling parental responsibility in my eyes!

It's not crying like the soaps wailing on the door steps just teary eyes, can't speak because choked etc - I understand he is missing the children, but why is it now that he is starting to be emotional about it, he should have thought about that before he left.

Hi bambino nearly 4 weeks since my DH left me and out 3 amazing kids, no other woman ( unless his work counts) after 22 years as a solid loving couple he no longer loves me, we were also just getting to a point where we could have a bit more time and money, he's just about to get a lovely new company car and become director of the company he works for etc etc, will never know why he stopped loving me but we have had several huge life changing events to deal with, he's miserable, I'm just about coping so I'm not sure how this new life feels better to him, not a bloody clue, several friends and aquaintces have also gone through the same, it really is like a mid life crisis, well good luck to them all, there going to need it, because you can't run away from guilt, shame , regret, hope it keeps him and the other fuckwits awake every night, for the rest of there sorry lives, he was the love of my life and my best friend, but I barely know him at the moment, such a shame, he'll never have anyone love him like we do here

Sorry to hear you're going through this, I know first hand how horrible it is. Almost 18 months ago my stbxh did the same - was completely detached and cold and then a while later came the tears with our dd.

Time really does help - I still feel sad about what happened and struggle sometimes with my dd being around the OW but time really is a healer in most cases. I think it's one of the worst things you can do to someone - to get married, have children and then walk away giving you no chance to work at it. They really are pathetic cowards!

*notnastypasty
Did he ever show you any regret ?
It is the thing I find hardest when children are involved that these men can just go off, I always thought that after a few months it would him and he would realise what he was doing or had done to his children and their mother. They are only 3 and 4 and will never remember us as family and that breaks me up inside, he didn't want to fight for that or atleast tell me he was unhappy.

As for the OW good luck with that in all the time we were together he never once put his family before work, now he has made life even more complicated for himself having to juggle the children , a new business and her (she has a child to throw in the mix to!)

Do they ever hit the wall and think shit what did I do!

Bambino, he did show regret but never asked to come back. He kept the ow a secret for the first 6 months after he left, I think he was keeping his options open!

I feel exactly the same - we had a happy family life and it's very upsetting that dd (now 6) won't remember it. I know he loves Dd and is still a good dad but he's nowhere near the father he was. He's always swanning off somewhere for a holiday, weekend away or night out and it bloody irritates me! I know he misses dd but also enjoys the freedom he has now. Although he's already talking remarriage and more kids!

I think he went through a few months of guilt and sadness but seems to be over it now! What he did was so out of character friends and family were suggesting a brain tumour or nervous breakdown so I know what a shock it can be.

I will never understand what he did and I suspect neither will you but it gets easier not to think about as time goes on. Feel free to pm me if you like.

And runaway husbands is a book that really helped me!