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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught boyfriend out on a few lies- not sure if im over reacting.

19 replies

SurlyCue · 14/05/2015 23:30

Been seeing him for 4 months. Ive caught him out recently on a few small lies, most recent one just this evening which has really upset me. But i dont know if im over reacting or not. I am coming at this from the position of this being my first relationship in 5 years. The previous one was my LT relationship with EXP who was an habitual liar, from tiny inconsequential things (did you leave that form into the doctors) to massive big things (cheating, gambling). Since him i sort of made the decision to have a zero tolerance policy on lying, and now it's being tested and i wonder if im being too harsh?

Current boyfriend's lies, first was something he had shared with his friend about our sex life. I am not naive, i know he talks about us to his friends, but when i asked him about it (friend let it slip in BF's absence) he denied it. I let it go as i really wasnt upset that he had shared. Second lie was really nothing to do with me, i just was witnessed him lying to some other people to make himself look better (basically to get more laughs out of a story) i dont know if he is aware that i know he lied or even remembers that i was present when the actual incident happened but it did sit uncomfortably with me that he lied about it.

Tonights lie, i sent him a really stupid photo of me pulling an awful face, hair a mess, face all screwed up, just ridiculous but to make him giggle as we are both stressed with exams right now. I thought he was alone. He replied saying X friend dared him to put it on a group page we are both on. I replied saying "you showed him?" And he said he didnt, that it wasnt worth it, i would kill him. (I wouldnt have done, i'd have been Blush but saw the funny side- anyway thats besides the point) it was obvious he was lying so i replied saying thats a lie and i'm insulted (that he would think im that stupid to buy that) he said he wasnt lying. I left it a while as im really angry that he lied, so he texted after a while asking if i was ignoring him, i said i was pissed that he lied and he said he didnt show the photo on purpose, i said that wasnt the problem, its that he lied and then again denied when given the chance to admit it. He has replied saying it doesnt make him look too good when i "put it like that" Hmm i havent put it like anything, its exactly what happened. He hasnt apologised.

I am stressed with exams, plus the whole issue with my EXp so i dont know if im over reacting to see this as an issue. Should i just let it go? Its that lies seem to come quite easily to him that is worrying me, it reminds me of how my ex used to be, they just rolled off his tongue without him even flinching. I dont want to judge boyfriend based on ex's behaviour but i am seeing similarities. As i said these are small lies but i think thats what is actually worrying me.

OP posts:
BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 14/05/2015 23:40

....they just rolled off his tongue without him even flinching.....

That is exactly what your current boyfriend is doing! If he's lying about such stupid "irrelevant" things he's just making you not trust him.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that he said "X friend dared him to put it on a group page" then denies showing him, eerrrmmmm how would the friend have known to dare him in the first place? Why lie about that, which would piss me off AND if he does it all the time about things like this, he'd have to go! Sorry OP!

foraret · 14/05/2015 23:46

This guy doesn't sound like a peach either. Sorry.
how long a gap was there between bfs?. The conversation about putting your photo up in agroup shows his attitude to girlfriends. He wouldn't have loyalty to them if it ''got a laugh'' from the lads.

Maybe you need to take a break from men and focus on your exams! You obviously have a plan! That's great, don't be side tracked. Spend what little free time you have on fun stuff. Not feeling hurt that he's made a string of small betrayals.

SurlyCue · 14/05/2015 23:48

eerrrmmmm how would the friend have known to dare him in the first place?

Exactly. Of course he showed him, it was glaringly obvious from his response. X would never have known there was anything to post if he hadnt seen it. When he first denied it for a split second i doubted myself but im not stupid. I was insulted he thought i was.

I am thinking i need to talk to him but past experience has shown me that this only results in liars getting smarter at lying and making sure their friends cover for them.

I had considered asking him why he lied the other day about the incident to friends but part of me didnt want to give him the heads up that i had noticed his lying so that if he did it to me he wouldnt be so conscious of hiding it if that makes sense? I guess that tells me i knew he would.

OP posts:
SilverBirch2015 · 14/05/2015 23:49

It does sound like his first instinct when challenged is to lie. A red flag, unless he does it with a bit of a twinkle in his eye, like I know you know and I don't seriously expect you to believe me.

Embellishing a story to friends to make it more funny is something most people do though.

However I do think your instincts may be right.

SurlyCue · 14/05/2015 23:49

This is my first relationship in 5 years forafet.

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SurlyCue · 14/05/2015 23:50

Sorry foraret

OP posts:
SilverBirch2015 · 14/05/2015 23:51

Nice men don't share info about their sex lives either IMHO.

Gralick · 15/05/2015 00:02

OK, so you're finding out he's a bullshitter. Tonight's incident makes me feel a little squirmy, but the other two things you mentioned don't. I think it'd be embarrassing to admit you'd blabbed about your sex life to your mates, and it's pretty normal to embellish a story in a social situation.

But the funny picture thing - firstly, he assumed you'd be annoyed. Secondly his response to such fears is to lie about what he's done, rather than not do the thing in the first place. (Same as when he told his mate about the sex.) Third, he lied again when you called him on it. Fourth - and worst - he tried to make you out to be the unreasonable one.

He sounds very childish in this respect. It's rather as though he sees you as his critic - like the parent to his 'child' - and his objective is to get pieces of bad behaviour past you. There's a game like this in Eric Berne's 'Games People Play': Catch Me.

Supposing he knows that you're particularly anxious about lying, what he did makes it even more of a 'Catch Me'. Instead of going out of his way to play things straight with you - which, as a caring partner, he should - he tried to use your fears against you, giving him a possible extra win.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd see it as a red flag but not an instant dumping issue. I'd want to see if it got better or worse, and I wouldn't chase apologies as that only prolongs the game. However, I'm not you and it's important remember that your feelings matter! You don't need a certain number of ticks on a score card in order to end a relationship: if it's making you feel twitchy, get rid of it.

Gralick · 15/05/2015 00:08

I agree with the others who posted that his attitude to girlfriends leaves a lot to be desired. Telling his mates about our sex life would be a dumping offence for me! I just didn't say so as you said it didn't upset you. Perhaps it should? It's disrespectful.

SurlyCue · 15/05/2015 00:12

Nice men don't share info about their sex lives either IMHO.

This is true.

You don't need a certain number of ticks on a score card in order to end a relationship: if it's making you feel twitchy, get rid of it.

This is what ive been unsure of. It has upset me and it has crossed me own "boundaries" of acceptable behaviour but i wasnt sure it was "enough" to end a relationship over or if i should give him a chance. But then if thats who he is- i'm not interested in trying to "change" him. And clearly that is who is. I think i would always be suspicious, after giving him chance to "no longer lie" (who needs to be told not to do that? Confused) that he was just hiding things better and i was being made a fool of.

OP posts:
HowDoesThatWork · 15/05/2015 00:13

Are you telling me that you have never spoken about your sex life to anyone?

SilverBirch2015 · 15/05/2015 00:32

No, not in specific personal terms about a current ongoing relationship.

One of the things that infuriated me at first and then made me realise he was a keeper was my DHs unwillingness to share much with me about his earlier realtionships other than the basic facts.

SurlyCue · 15/05/2015 00:55

I dont, its just not the sort of thing my friendship circle ever really talks about. We did when younger and sex was new to us all but the novelty has long since worn off for us. I wasnt really annoyed that he shared, i guessed he would talk to his friends about it so it wasnt a surprise really. I suppose it is quite immature really.

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goddessofsmallthings · 15/05/2015 00:55

Other than to speak with a partner about the sex we're having, I've never found the need nor had the desire to reveal details of my sex life to anyone else. Is that unusual?

The reason you're seeing similarities is that they exist, SurlyCue. Sad to say it seems you've landed another immature twat who has difficulty distinguishing fact from fiction and I reckon you'd be a lot less stressed if you threw him back into the briny depths.

Good luck with your exams!

SurlyCue · 15/05/2015 00:58

Yes it seems i have a "type" doesnt it? I think i knew what i was going to do but needed to get opinions from unbiased people to make sure i wasnt being completely unfair to him.

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goddessofsmallthings · 15/05/2015 01:34

Is he one of those who exude boyish charm, life & soul of the party, with a touch of the 'jack the lads' about him?

If so turn your attention to the bookworm in the corner. or that steady, dependable chap who can always be found on the sidelines rather than hogging centre stage... you may be pleasantly surprised by the intensity of their smouldering hidden depths Grin

SurlyCue · 15/05/2015 01:50

Is he one of those who exude boyish charm, life & soul of the party, with a touch of the 'jack the lads' about him?

Yes! As was EXP. But it is all a front.

I think i might just take another 5 year break and hone my man choosing skills as clearly they arent quite there yet Hmm Grin

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2015 02:06

My husband once lied about badminton. He allowed me to win then said he had not let me win! I did find out, and I went on and on about it for years! I hate when people lie.

But I know I am guilty of embellishing the truth myself.

I have no idea if these are red flags or not!

I would not be happy with a partner talking about our sex life and that would be the thing that would probably bother me most after lying. But, again, I have mentioned one or two things about my sex life to a friend myself!! And I can see that he might well deny saying it when caught out.

Personally, I would not see him embellishing a story a bit as a huge issue, as long as he is not putting other people down in the process, e.g. if it's a 'you won't believe the size of the fish I caught' kind of story!

The lie today about the picture, well I find that the least bothersome. Maybe he didn't actively show it to his fiend, maybe his friend looked over his shoulder or grabbed his phone.

For me the issue is that you sent him a photo and he thought he knew you would be annoyed if he showed it to someone else, and then did (disrespectful of him) or over reaction (on your part)?

It's up to you but if you are going to continue in your relationship I think I would have a talk (in your shoes) about why lying is so destructive in a relationship. That you want the truth, because lies are corrosive, and really eat away at a relationship. I would also, personally, call him out in private about any exaggerations etc.

It kind of sounds like you are a bit out of synchronisation with each other. He has told a friend about your sex life, maybe thinking you would disapprove and lied because he thought you would disapprove but actually you wouldn't disprove of him telling. is that right?

He has shown a photo, or allowed a friend to see it, (not exactly the same thing) a photo of you and again, thought you would disprove, and you would not have!

You said I had considered asking him why he lied the other day about the incident to friends but part of me didnt want to give him the heads up that i had noticed his lying so that if he did it to me he wouldnt be so conscious of hiding it if that makes sense? I guess that tells me i knew he would.

Are you wanting to catch him out or stop him lying? If to catch him out, then don't give a heads up, but if you want to educate him about wjat you think is not OK then you will need to tell him.

Maybe you need to make it clear what in your mind is and is not OK and, of course, LYING for you will be big on the list. Knowing that LYING is big on the list if he keeps on doing it, then I would consider if this relationship is worth it. But do remember that exaggeration is not exactly the same as lying and if you include that you probably need to stress that to him.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/05/2015 02:37

Of course it's a front - these men are often deeply insecure or flawed hence their need to be the centre of attention.

The problem is that their ostensibly charming and easy going nature can be hard to resist.

The trick is to train your eye to pass over the glitter of pyrite and see the steady glow of real gold.

Fancy going prospecting in Alaska now that the days are lengthening? No shortage of men nuggets there Grin

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