Pregnant and DZ's drinking

[jugglingmonkey]

It's not the first time I've posted here, DH and I had some major issues last year that largely centred around his behaviour when drunk, which I'm pleased to say has changed dramatically in the last 6 months since I issued an ultimatum. Curb it or I go.

We recently found out I am pregnant - and we're delighted.

I have an issue with DH getting drunk when I'm pregnant. Don't mind him having a drink or two, but he's just called and he sounds pretty pissed.

This means; he won't be home for over an hour yet, if he falls asleep on the train it could be much later (and I naturally start to worry)

I'll likely wake up when he gets home and clangs around/snores in my face.

I'm 8 weeks along, I'm knackered... Am I unreasonable to expect him to take it easier on the booze when I'm pregnant?

I end up working myself into such a tizz getting stroppy that he's being selfish... But perhaps it's my hormones....

I'm sorry to say that he may revert to type for the simple reason that he doesn't believe you'll go now that you're pg.

If the proves to be the case you'll need to nip it in the bud pdq, otherwise you are going to find yourself left holding the baby while he's on the razzle.

As he's managed to find his way home after other nights of excessive boozing, there's no point in worrying about him and I suggest you get in as much zzzz's as you can before the birth.

If you don't want to be disturbed when he eventually rolls home, stick a note where he can't miss it telling him to sleep on the couch/in the spare room.

Is it me ? I don't understand your post. You say you had problems last year about drink, 'curb it or I go' and he did...
Yet today is a Thursday night and your dh is pissed out of his head, and yet you decided to have a baby with this man. You do realise you have signed up for a life with an alcoholic don't you ?

Not pissed out of his head... But pretty pissed (I think there's a small difference!)

You're both right though, and it's my fault for saying just the other day that one night a week was okay with me (he's taken an inch and ran a mile hasn't he?)...

What you describe is life with an alcoholic and all the chaos and mess such a life brings.

I remember you and not surprisingly he is still drinking. He is an alcoholic and now you are bringing a second child into this overall dysfunctional marriage as well.

Did you ever speak to Al-anon?.

He cannot stop drinking and will not stop drinking for you, your child or your as yet unborn child too. He is surrounded by enablers (his family of origin) and you are also enabling him. That is commonly seen in families where alcoholism in featured; that behaviour and co-dependency. I would read up on that as well and see how much of that fits in with your own self.

He has also done nothing to address his alcohol dependency either has he?. He probably does not think that he has a problem and any utterances from you to the contrary is seen by him as either white noise or nagging (you're spoiling his "fun").

You are not helping him by acting as you have and what you have tried has not worked; you have protected him instead from the consequences of his actions here.

I would seriously find another birth partner; you will not be able to 100% rely on him.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not. Them being also raised by an alcoholic for a dad will do them no favours whatsoever and leave them with a whole raft of emotional problems. Your DH should not be drinking at all.

Do you still think you can rescue and or save him here?. You cannot, only he can do that and he does not want to. His primary relationship is still with drink; you are a dim and distant second even if you do figure on his list of priorities. His thoughts focuses on where the next drink is going to come from.

Your man could go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards.

I don't know the backstory but you cant say to an alcoholic, it's ok if you drink once a week. You get what you've got, a pissed man on the train who might not get home.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs within you does this man meet?.

I also wonder whether you grew up with parents that drink heavily as well.

I hope you're doing okay. Your husband isn't able to control his drinking and probably doesn't want to.I have been there and it doesn't get better.I got out after years of broken promises.All you can do now is protect yourself, find ways to not let it bother you so that you sleep and rest.

I suspect you are still trying to find ways to curb his behaviour as you hope its still 'social drinking' or he will grow out of it but you would not be posting here if it was the case.
I left before my child was old enough to be affected by his behaviour at home so grew up without the chaos.I have not been able to protect her from his drinking as he is still her dad and she sees him.He was an charming, kind, and fun guy so walking away was very hard but it absolutely was the right decision and have never regretted it.I wished it wasn't the case as I loved him but I had to save myself and dc.

I hope you find the strength, if you don't want a life with a drinker start planning a new life.

For your own sake, and that of your children, follow through with curb it or I go. He will not curb it, clearly, so you have to go. It does not get better. After you have left he may have it in him to stop. Give it 2-3 years before contemplating a return though.
My ex, bless, went to AA and after much soul searching confided to me that it was NOT the childrens/my fault that he had been drinking. He was surprised this revelation did not send me running back into his arms. He later decided he never had had an. Alcohol problem as such.
Your H does not think he has a problem. So once, twice or thrice a week is not a problem to him. It is to you, so please let him get on with it alone and save yourself anguish and tears.

So he he's back on it then - doesn't sound like the ultimatum worked, this is your life, even with a child on the scene, I think he will just go back to his usual habit of drinking too much.

Didn't realise there was a backstory here. Don't know why you've had another kid with this man. Nothing more unattractive than a drunk. (And drunk even once a week is a lot).

Thanks for all the replies, the main problem is that DH isn't going to stop drinking... No I'm okay with that. What wasn't okay was the not making it home/verbal abuse... This however hasn't happened in over six months and DH is definitely limiting his consumption. I'm honestly okay with that.

Last night he got home at 11.30pm, wasn't drunk, just a bit merry, and perfectly pleasant when he crept into bed next to me. I feel fine today, but last night I was raging. Is this remnant resentment and anxiety?

Are you really okay with that (his not stopping drinking)?. Be honest with yourself properly her, denial after all is a powerful force. His not making it home and verbal abuse that followed are all part and parcel of his drinking to excess; he was drunk and he took that out on you. Small wonder you felt raging yesterday. Now its a new day you yet again resume your defined roles of enabler and codependent in the 3 act play that is alcoholism. He and you will continue to act that out till such time as you have had enough. You are going around in circles as much as he is. Your H has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

I also think you are hoping against hope that he will step up now particularly as you are pregnant again.

It does not matter how little it happens either; the fact that it does and has such an effect on you is a real - and growing problem. I think that life will hit you between the eyes soon enough as well.

You're nowhere near ready to accept this re him at all are you?. Perhaps a small part of you thinks you can fix him.

How do you know that your H is limiting his consumption; you cannot (and actually should not) police nor control his drinking and it is a waste of time to try and do that. You take his word for it that he is not drinking as much?. The fact that he is drinking at all is a huge problem.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I could have written your post word for word six years ago when pg with DC1.

DH promised to change. In fact, we went a good couple of years of it all being ok, resulting in DC2.

Problem is, unless the problem in properly addressed and dealt with (ie aa or similar) ime it's just there under the surface. Like you, I would flip out and panic over moderate drinking as I always feared the worst. It's no way to live.

Things gradually got worse, the drinking increased. The more I tried to be reasonable, the more advantage he took. It's got to the stage after being let down so many times, the love is gone,

I wanted to believe in him, but the writing was on the wall as much for me as for you.

I'm making baby steps towards leaving now, but I wish I'd really taken it seriously six years ago!

If you have given him that ultimatum you HAVE to stick to it. Otherwise you are enabling him and he won't change.