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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Nowhere is as lonely as an unhappy marriage

39 replies

ChuffinAda · 14/05/2015 22:10

There are many things wrong with this relationship, there doesn't seem to be any joy left. He begrudgingly spends time with me. We go out together but he makes it clear he doesn't want to be there.

Today took the piss though.

I got some dire news from the Dr earlier, he knew I was getting some results, he knew I was worried, I got the results after a horrendous day at work. When I came home he was on the computer, didn't acknowledge me coming in. Dc were off playing. I tried to talk to him but he said 'later when the kids are in bed'

An hour after they went to bed he took himself to bed without speaking to me.

This is typical of our relationship. I come home from work. One of us makes dinner. We eat. He goes to bed at 830. And so it goes on.

I literally have no one to talk to. I have had a shit day today and I can't offload. I don't even know if he's had a good day because he won't tell me and gives me one word replies making it clear conversation isn't to be had.

I know I'm ill because of staying with him. I can't leave though. I can't afford to. I hate it.

OP posts:

Aussiemum78 · 15/05/2015 06:41

You work and technically have no bills. You are a step ahead of many women because you have an income.

What's to stop you saving 100% of your wage for a month or two? In your own account? Why can't you start with a 2 bed house? Why wouldn't half the furniture be yours to take? You need very little - a fridge, a couple of beds, a lounge....if it takes awhile to get properly set up, that's ok.

A credit history has to start somewhere. You could even get a credit card and use it to make small purchases then pay them off. Start a bank account.

Does he work or control the money? Could you redirect your wage? What about putting a few dollars into gift vouchers that you can use later each time you buy groceries?

Set a date and work toward it.

thatsnotmynamereally · 15/05/2015 06:55

chaffin I'm so sorry to hear you had bad news. Are you saying that your health issue is caused (or at least perhaps related) to the stress of your relationship? Please factor that in, is there a sympathetic GP you could talk to about it?

There's some very good advice from goddess and frozen. Please, detach emotionally as much as possible, don't expect or count on him to be a friend or helpful in any way, it's like a double blow when you think you can get support from someone and they let you down.

Whatamayday · 15/05/2015 07:11

Have you actually discussed ending the marriage with him? He is obviously not happy either. You never know, maybe you can come to an amicable agreement to end your marriage (I'm not sure from what you say.) If so, then you can organise the new living arrangements together. He has got to support his children financially if he is on board or not.

Could you look into starting divorce proceedings? All the financials will be sorted through that. Even if you feel you can't move this minute, you can make plans as the divorce is moving along.

elizalovelacey · 15/05/2015 07:27

Ive been where you are now. I got out and rented a one bed tiny house,I slept on sofa and my kids in bunkbeds. Our bathroom was the just tiny shower,loo sink in kids room. We had garden...filled it with free furniture and household goods.it was wonderful. I escaped a horrid home life and loved being free with my kids...best thing I ever did!.In time I went back to work etc got a larger house etc but will always free very proud of myself getting away from that life.

sakura · 15/05/2015 07:33

Not having rights to the house is a good thing. When you apply for your benefits and the form asks if you have any assets you tick a big fat "no". People may argue you have rights because you are married but if so then you stop claiming benefits AFTER you have been given your share of the house. I was never going to get any of the home I lived in so I moved out and get housing benefits. I have just bought a fridge on my credit card. Am saving for furniture right now.

elizalovelacey · 15/05/2015 07:38

meant to say HAD NO GARDEN doh! Hardly had kitchen either..but just the basics....we had a very happy little home though.

FuckyNell · 15/05/2015 07:46

Nothing changes unless something changes

BitOutOfPractice · 15/05/2015 09:03

Oh OP - there is some great advice and ideas on this thread.

Why not start making a list of them and doing a bit each day / week

I wish I could come and help

willthiseverbloodystop · 15/05/2015 10:39

have you looked into if you are entitled to a housing benefit top up? You might need to get a smaller place than you would want, but the freedom would be worth it. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage, I did for the same reasons as you and I am out and totally skint but me and dd are so much happier.

FresherThanYou · 15/05/2015 13:08

Just to say I understand. The unknown is terrifying isn't it Baby steps like others have said, save a little, go to cab, get photocopies of important documents together (anyone got a list?) & soon enough the unknown will become the known sorry if that sounds cheesy hell I think we'd all like the name of that organisation HaloKelly23

mrssnodge · 15/05/2015 15:54

I left ExH after 16 yrs on unhappy marriage with 3 dc's. Went to my Mums for 6 weeks with 3dc, I was given a council house after declaring myself and Dc homelss as there were threats of violence and I could not live there any longer. I know its not that simple nowadays- this was 14 yrs ago- but I had nothing, left taking the kids beds and thats it!!
14 yrs on, engaged very happy with DP, own a new house and Dc all grown up. I worked part time and was working for 20 a week less than I would have got on benefits, but this led to a full time job, then promotion -

It was sad to break up a marriage, and of couse dc were upset at first- exH is now married again.
Its really really hard to do, but dont leave it until your'e too old!! You only get one life, be happy x

MovingOnOut · 15/05/2015 23:17

I am in a similar situation to OP . Thank you to everyone who has posted ideas here.

I live in a high rent area and I thought there was no way I could consider leaving, but after reading this thread I have booked an appointment to see a flat next week.

Charlie97 · 16/05/2015 08:26

You say you are both desperate to leave, he sounds as miserable as hell, so do you.

Talk about a separation, it may be he wants the same and doesn't have the guts to start the conversation, assuming he does, then you can work towards you all being housed in suitable accommodation.

Or is he happy with this status quo"

ratinkitchen · 17/05/2015 11:40

sorry you had some bad results, you will get through this

You work which is a positive

Sometimes "life events" make you re evaluate what you want out of life

If you want a new life - of course you can, but it will take a little time & effort

You can open a bank account at post office in your name for £1 I believe

Furniture is not an excuse to leave, you can get furniture free on freecycle or cheap on gumtree or car boot sales or save up for new. I bought a second hand table last week for 50 pence :0)

I would seek advice from CAB & half an hour free solicitor

I am sorry your partner is not supporting you. If he offers no support, start your new life today !

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