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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this concern you about your DH?MID LIFE Crisis?

28 replies

Imworried · 08/11/2006 23:46

...I'm pretty certain he's heading for some kind of early mid life crisis and I just don't know how to help him.

Dh grew up with and studied with a guy who very recently has become quite a player in the UK celebrity circuit-his career is soaring. I know this is really eating dh up. He has started to become a bit obsessed and is now recording everything this guy is on, buying newspapers to see if anything else has been written about him etc (he was never really a fan of other TV or tabloids)

He has also mentioned how he feels bad about letting himself go and has told me he'd like to take a few months off work so he can lose weight and go to the gym (WTF?)He also feels that he would like to jack in his job move back to London to have a stab at what he studied.

Part of me wants to be sympathetic but another part of me wants to slap him and tell him not to be such an idiot. I guess I'm just panicking that he is gloing to work himself up into thinking his life is really crap and that the grass is greener.

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fortyplus · 09/11/2006 00:25

At least he's talking to you about it. I've known a few men go through similar (mid 40s) minus the celeb obsession. One of my friend's husbands has given up work to train as a football coach. He's also playing the stock market as he thinks he'll make his fortune.

I wouldn't think it's got anything to do with your relationship - in fact maybe it's the strength of the relationship that is giving him the confidence to explore these ideas.

Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 09:14

It's concerning me and I can't quite put my finger on why. I just sense alarm bells. I mean, it's going to be pretty difficult for him to give up work for months to train/pursue an old dream etc without him discussing it with me isn't it?

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Judy1234 · 09/11/2006 09:17

If they lose weight and get fit it's usually because they want or have another woman. But a lot of men let their women do this kind of thing, give up work, relax a bit so I suppose there's no reason a man shouldn't do that as long as he does all the childcare and he lets you work in an interesting job instead. Unless he has enough money to fund what he plans then he's not fulfilling his responsibilities as a father. nothing to stop him carryhing on working and eating less and then he'll lose the weight and save you money on food at the same time.

Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 09:24

I'm 5 months pregnant and we couldn't cope financially if he jacked in his job without any savings. I know there's something else behind this and I'll admit it's making me paranoid and insecure. His old mate is now dating a world reknown model too, I'm sure dh thinks he can do better for himself.

It makes me so unhappy that he thinks his life is so shit right now.

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lockets · 09/11/2006 09:26

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lockets · 09/11/2006 09:28

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Starrmum · 09/11/2006 09:28

Have you told him how you feel?

Have you asked him to show you how he intends you to manage financially?

I can see no problem in letting him do what he wants, but only if it is done in such a way that the family is still provided for. He's not on his own he does have family responsibilities.

Maybe you should ask him outright if he wants to continue with those responsibilities or if there is an underlying plot to leave you all? Hard, but better to know now.

good luck

Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 09:30

No it's not the first baby, (3)

He wants to sell our house and use that money.

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lockets · 09/11/2006 09:32

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Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 09:35

Yes, he 's been looking into renting in London and I found out by accident that he already has a casting agent.[ sad]

Doesn't look good.

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lockets · 09/11/2006 09:39

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Cappuccino · 09/11/2006 09:39

I would hope that the jacking his job in is not something he's just going to do

but having the freedom to be able to think, it's not over, things can change, is important. No-one wants to feel trapped.

My dh has stood behind me a couple of times when I've gone, no, this isn't for me. If I'd felt trapped into continuing what I was doing I would have ended up very depressed. He has given me confidence in myself to try things I would not otherwise have tried.

Does he go to the gym? Can you buy him like a three-month membership and say there you go, see how it goes for three months? Be interested in the New Him?

And help him maybe to look on the internet or in the jobs pages for things which are alternatives to what he's doing now but aren't such a big step

that way you're supporting him but not letting him go off madly half-cocked. If he thinks that you believe in him that will help his self esteem a lot

but if he's going, I need to completely change things, and you're going no, stay exactly as you are, that's going to be a big tension and will cause resentment on both sides

sleepfinder · 09/11/2006 09:47

Can you all go to London while he pursues this? Would it be realistic to agree to letting him have a crack at this but within a time frame - say 12-24 months?

I don't know your DH, whether he is impulsive generally, or a bit of a fantastist.

Could it be that if you actually agree to go along with this, and start making the changes to let it happen, that when he's faced with the reality, he'll realise that its just too much for you all to take on and drop it?

I do think that sometimes its about letting someone have the space to explore possibilities, if only to confirm for themselves (as everyone else already knows it) that its not the right thing?

Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 11:21

No, I really don't want to go back to London and actually I'm starting to feel resentlful. I left everything to move here with him. I had to uproot away from family and friends and after 5 years here I have finally made a good life for us and the kids are really happy. Now dh has decided he wants to be selfish and we'll all up sticks.

I think it's not on.

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anniemac · 09/11/2006 11:25

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Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 11:29

Sure tis is, all of the posts have been helpful-the alternative would be me sat here worrying about it all.

I'm just so alarmed that in the space of 3 months he just wants to jack in his job, put our house on the market to pursue fame and fortune. Who is that helping exactly?

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Judy1234 · 09/11/2006 11:36

You could suggest he stays with the children and new baby when it comes because you've got interviews with casting agents in London and you need to spend 3 days week there and you're sure he'll understand. Just try to make sure it's fair on both sides.

If you don't work then I suppose you're financially dependent on him too which doesn't make things any easier.

Cappuccino · 09/11/2006 11:39

you're a bit of a one-trick pony aren't you Xenia?

fortyplus · 09/11/2006 13:59

I'm with cap and anniemac on this one - yes he may want to 'improve' his life but now isn't the time to make such radical changes at the expense of you and his children.

He should join the gym and you should support him in that and join him in a healthy diet regime - which will be good for your unborn baby anyhow. (& of course by 'diet' I don't mean weight loss!)That's plenty for now - he's going to be a father again soon.

theUrbanDryad · 09/11/2006 15:13

just a very quick suggestion and i'm not sure how useful it is - but would it be possible to let your house out to tenants for 12 months and then rent in london? that way you're not cutting all ties and have a fall-back plan if it does all go a bit tits-up.

just a thought. you have my sympathies. 5 months pg is not the time for life-changing descisions. good luck! xxx

Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 15:15

I think it would be easier say in a few years time when dc were all at school then I could work and support us.I'm fine with dh wanting to change his life, to improve it (although I doubt chasing a childhood dream will achieve that)just not now. The success of his former friend is just accelerating everything right now and I fear he'll do something rather rash and impulsive.

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Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 15:17

But Urban, what on earth would we live on? Dh wouldn't have a wage we'd need rent, food, utilities etc. We have no savings and a bit of debt on CCs etc (nothing too scary whilst dh is working) Why oh why couldn't he have had this all happen before we had dc?

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dinosaur · 09/11/2006 15:19

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 15:19

The more I think about it, the more I can see that he's not just doing it for himself. he's trying to measure up to this guy. He has really looked after himself, has a great physique, money in the bank, fame, glamour, critical acclaim and now dh thinks he's owed a bit of that and that he should never of given up what he did.

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Original poster

Imworried · 09/11/2006 15:20

Really Dino? But are you starting to obsess about it?

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