Have I done the right thing?

[2little2late2change4now]

Posted in lone parents but thought I'd post here too.
My exp has been verbally abusive on almost every contact occasion since leaving 3 months ago. I have (despite serious temptation) remained very neutral throughout this time, although I wasn't at the end of our relationship. Last night after he kicked the door stop, slammed the door and shouted and swore at me I asked him to leave and told him not to return for further contact. I know this sounds extreme but I'm 21 weeks pregnant and I can't take anymore. He is meant to be starting therapy today so maybe that will change things I don't know, but it can't carry on. He tells dd who's 2 that he never wanted her and that I've ruined the next 18 years of his life. We don't have a court order or anything and he can't afford mediation although I would be willing to go. I have very little support so I've not done this lightly and I don't have anyone to facilitate his contact either.
Have I done the wrong thing?

go for it! Very scary for you, not a good role model for your kids. Maybe you can consider supervised contact for with the kids after therapy. For now you might even have to consider a restraining order if he carries on with this behaviour. Good luck

I think you've absolutely done the right thing - your priority has to be to protect the welfare of your DD. What an awful thing for her to hear :(

I would suggest calling 101 and recording his verbal abuse and violence around you (kicking your door) - this will help you in the even in future that he does apply for a court order for contact - if you have it recorded that he's been abusive, you can ask that contact be only at a supervised contact centre.

Is it his baby you're expecting now? Strongly suggest you don't put him on the birth certificate.

for you and your DD.

Thank you, I just have no self esteem and constantly doubt myself and end up doing what he wants. The baby is his. We miscarried at Christmas and he asked midwife when we could try again, unbeknown to me he was having an affair. On Tuesday he was in tears, wouldn't tell me why, Saturday he asked me to go out with him and dd on the Sunday. I can't keep up with the roller coaster and not can dd. one minute he's father of the year and the next he's like a monster hurling insults and abuse. I was no angel at the end of our relationship but since him leaving I have engaged in therapy and got on with being a mum and tried to be nice to him despite myself because I know it's in dd interest but he doesn't care

My DSis has withdrawn contact if her 2 DS because of exP continued abusive behaviour. He has sent countless solicitors letters stating that only the courts have the power to remove contact. He's right of course but the flip side is only the courts have the power to insist it's reinstated.

He can get as many dodgy solicitors as he likes to send letters but until he goes to court he's not seeing them. He won't go of course as all instances of abuse have been reported to the police.

You've done exactly the right thing.

It must be horrible.
He is still abusing you so please contact Womens Aid for support.
He can always have contact through a contact centre if he really wants it.
But do not engage with him any more.
Womens Aid can help you and you could also enrol on their Freedom Programme, this will help you future relationships and will also help your self esteem.

You've done the right thing for you and your DD. Please contact all the places that other posters have suggested for support - YOU NEED THE RIGHT SUPPORT through this and you need people to lean on, so that you can keep being the brave and good mum that you are. Go and get some help. Who knows, maybe he will do too and you can talk again when he has sorted himself out. Maybe he won't. But until then your health, safety and your DD are your priorities not him. All best wishes to you.

Quite right. Have you reported him to the police? I agree speak to Women's Aid, and your midwife, GP, HV and anyone else. Get it all documented now.

Absolutely get a paper trail in place, gp, womans aid, police etc etc.

Block him on you phone or get a new number if you can't do that. Get an email addy just for him and block him on all other avenues of contact, fb etc. emails can be used as a legal document.

Do you have a sure start group in your area? You will need as much support as you can get.

Good luck op and I hope that you find peace soon.

It's been reported to the police and they've spoken to him but it didn't stop. Now he goads me about calling them again and about how shameful I am so I don't.
I tried to not have contact but ended up being weak and we talked, it's me as well though I end up desperate to just be amicable for dd. I'm so pathetic. Today I have been called every name under the sun then I have given in and said he could collect from nursery and he was planning to take her overnight without saying anything to me!
I am not necessarily an easy person when it comes to contact, I'm not really for her to go overnight yet, I've never been away from her except when in hospital. We agreed once he'd been consistent then she would go to his for the day, he also loves 50 miles away and would be introducing her to his new gf. I know maybe I'm making things harder but I'm just not ready yet. He doesn't want me to go to the town where he lives or have his address, it's all a ridiculous nightmare.
To top off my day someone drove into me and has written my car off. His parting comments were he's an arse hole and a wanker why can't I be angry and hate him so we all know where we are.
Is there anyone else who feels, I didn't choose to be a broken family so why should I now be forced to do what you want when you're the one who left after having an affair whilst getting me pregnant (planned)

call the police again - every time. Do not talk to him or weaken. Why are you giving in when he abuses you. You should be stopping contact, not increasing it.

I know I'm just stupid and he threatens a long and expensive legal battle which I can't face so I end up being manipulated when he says he is her dad and has the same rights as me and why should he not be allowed to take her etc etc
I don't know why I am missing the resolve to remain strong in these circumstances

no you're not stupid - but he has done a number on you which enables him to manipulate you. He has no rights, the child has rights, not the father.

Will you do one thing today and call Women's Aid? They can help you find your resolve and support you. Him threatening a legal battle is all part of the abuse and an empty threat btw. And with a paper trail of everything he is doing there is no chance he will win anything. Which is why you need to reach out to others for support. He is just an abusive bully. It is not your fault.

I have police record and some text messages and have recorded him before and also he has admitted being abusive to me to social services and the health visitor so everyone is aware of his behaviour but he plays a good game and always says he'll try harder and he'll stop etc etc

I will call women's aid today though. Thank you for not thinking I'm a total idiot. I'm unsure why he wants me to hate him, I haven't the energy for that and how am I supposed to make my dd feel reassured if I'm hateful towards him, surely that's no good for her irrespective of how hurt and angry I might feel inside

He wants to control and bully you. You have low self esteem so make the perfect victim. You deserve much more. Ask WA about the Freedom Programme too. And if he is awful to your DD I would look at reducing his contact or going to a contact centre only. A relationship with some fathers is not worth pursuing.

My DSis ex also will not give an address, the police to her she is perfectly within her rights to refuse to allow the DSs to go with their dad as he would not disclose where they would be.

If you do allow contact (and I don't think you shpuld) absolutely do not let your daughter go to another town without having details of where she will be in case of emergencies.

He wants you to hate him so that he can be the 'good guy'

So that he can repaint himself as the nice one, and point to you and say no wonder I left look at the way she's behaving.

Why is calling the police shameful?
Every time he acts like this call them, they've taken you seriously, why aren't you?

And threats are just that. Until he takes it to court, its words. He knows you're going to react so that why he says it.

If he really wanted more contact he'd already have put it in motion.
But he hasn't, he just using it as a stick to beat you with

The thing is with documented abuse even if court give him contact, there is a strong chance it will be supervised.And even then there is no need for you to be present at handover etc.

I'd be willing to bet that once he doesn't have you to kick around he'll start to lose interest.

Please look at the Freedom program, for both yourself and your daughter. You need to look at why you think your daughter should have a relationship with someone who has told her that she wasn't wanted and that she has ruined his life??

Both of you and you're unborn child deserve so much more.

You are not an idiot, you are someone who is dealing with a very stressful situation and an on going relationship with an abuser.

Please look after both you.