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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me start this potentially awkward conversation

44 replies

Diggingdolores · 13/05/2015 21:31

In a couple of hours my BF is coming round after work and I want to ask him about our sexlife....

We've been together about 9 months. As usual, for the first several months, sex was great.

The relationship on the whole is fab, he's lovely and very kind and attentive. Just a really nice person and we have a lot of fun. I fancy him like mad! And when we're out and about and cuddling up and by the way he compliments me, I know he is very attracted to me.

He does have a few body issues and inhibitions and He has lost his erection a couple of times, which could cause some worries for him I know.

The thing with him is he has had a lot of work stress and a resulting period of insomnia so I don't want to pressure him for sex.

But the last few months it has been few and far between. He is in a better place now but sexy times show no sign of making a big comeback! I've been patient and tried to see if it would pick up again naturally.

I don't want to make a song and dance about it or make him feel defensive or emasculated but I want to let him know that for me this is an issue and I want to be able to talk about it.

IMO this is way too early to have a sparse sex life and the last few weeks I have been feeling like I am practically throwing myself at him only to get rejected. I've been in a long relationship with mismatched libidos before and I know it isn't for me.

I do want to see if there is something we can do about it though.

How do I start this as though I am not confronting him with a "problem" or blaming him?

I'd like it to be more of a conversation, but I can't think of anyway to say it other than..."can I ask you about something...why don't we have sexy very often?" Which just seems a bit rubbish.

OP posts:

BifsWif · 13/05/2015 22:43

Great advice deepdarkwood, I'd go with that OP.

Original poster

Diggingdolores · 13/05/2015 22:51

Oh god, now I'm getting nervous! I'm not nervous about talking to him, I'm just worried that he's not going to be completely honest with
Me and just tell me what he thinks I want to hear because he feels pressured or embarrassed!
And then because I've gone and fallen inlove with the guy, I'll want to believe him and the lo and behold, two years down the line I'm stuck in another sexless relationship, feeling shitter by the day! Believe me, I have worn that T-shirt!

Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I will try the *deep approach in a round about way.

He will be here soon so I will sign off now! Here, have some unmumsnetty x's xx! I appreciate your time!

OP posts:

AmINeedy · 13/05/2015 22:54

I'm going through exactly the same thing, if I broach the subject he goes in his cave,,I've found it impossible to bring the subject up in case I push him away but by not talking about this I'm beginning to feel more like a casual friend xx
Please let me know how you get on, this is destroying me as a female

deepdarkwood · 13/05/2015 22:55

:-) GOOD LUCK!! Come back and tell us what he says!

gatewalker · 13/05/2015 22:57

My spidey sense is this, OP: you've transitioned into 'sibling/parent mode'. You say that you are "pretty soppy", and while this has a time and a place, if it is there all the time, it infantilises how you interact - because sometimes what sex is when it really, really works is 'adult-adult'. No soppiness, but rather two people who are meeting in a bit of a mystery. No cutesy-ness, no baby-talk. Sex. I think that any relationship where there is no underlying physical dysfunction, and where there is longevity, needs to retain some mystery.

You both might be at that point for rediscovering an aspect of sexual relatedness that is relies less on being overly familiar, and more on how you connect from a place that is a lot more raw, and perhaps quite a bit more vulnerable because of that.

Variousrandomthings · 13/05/2015 23:01

Text him ' feeling very horney'

JohnFarleysRuskin · 13/05/2015 23:02

How is that going to help, various?

Variousrandomthings · 13/05/2015 23:10

Maybe he thinks your happy not to have sex

lavenderhoney · 13/05/2015 23:55

you don't actually SAY the bit at the end - " get on with it or go home"
I put a " by mistake:) I'm tired and I'm going to bed now:)

Original poster

Diggingdolores · 14/05/2015 14:32

OK! So we had the talk and I need more help....

I nearly bottled it but it was actually him that brought it up in a roundabout way in the end....

So that you understand the situation better, I probably should explain our circumstances...I have DD and my sister lives with me with her DD (it helps a lot with childcare and rent). Three months ago, BF moved in with his parents until October when he is moving into his new place. We are late 20s/early 30s.

We see each other often but we only stay over at each other's places the two nights my DD is with her dad. Invariably there are other people in the house wherever we stay. We have stayed in hotels sometimes but neither of us are that flush of late.

BF's reluctance to have sex all seems to stem from anxiety. He said ever since the beginning he has been worried about possibly losing his erection but lately his anxiety has got worse because of a paranoia about a lack of privacy.

I said that we can just carry on doing it quietly but he said that he just doesn't feel like he can get fully into it and relax and starts feeling anxious from the get go.

We also spoke about the fact that we don't feel like our sex life has advanced at the same pace as te rest of the relationship. We did it a lot in the begining but then he had a period of high stress and it kind of fell by the wayside for a while. We never really got into the swing of being as adventurous as we would like and now when we do it neither of us has taken the initiative because he has his anxieties and I am trying not to pressure him.

He said it's nothing to do with not fancying me at all and that he does a lot.

Anyway, it's all got a bit messy. I love him and I want to work on it. Even though I do think it's crap to have to work at sex so early on in a relationship.

I told him it's very important to me and said we need to figure it out if we want to have a healthy relationship and a future. He agreed.

I said I think we should take sex off the table for a few weeks because I don't want any of us to feel any sense of obligation or pressure. I want to be able to kiss and cuddle without him getting worried and me worrying that he thinks I'm about I jump him.

And then, we'll try and make sure we get time alone.

But how the hell do I help ease his anxieties about it all? Won't it just seem really forced? It's going to be like starting from the begining....any tips on how to handle this!?

OP posts:

Fugghetaboutit · 14/05/2015 16:17

When I lived at home my dp couldn't get it up much either and would avoid sex as he was very aware of my mother being in the house - which is fair enough. Now we live alone it instantly was fine again. So not sure of solutions - night in a hotel?!

AlwaysAFool · 14/05/2015 16:33

Can understand the not keen on sex with a potential audience.
It does seem like a lot of pressure so early in a relationship, , it's good you have taken sex off the table To relieve that And opens it up to spontaneous sex when he is ready.

My exdp had ed issues from the get go and it destroyed my confidence and dtd became very functional and rare and eventually non existing he's now an ex.
He is/was a lovely guy but if I ever have a wiff of low sex drive or not feeling attractive in a new relationship its end of the now as cant go through that again.

Its worth a shot ,Good luck.

AmINeedy · 14/05/2015 16:46

I'm in the same situation, my partner listens, agrees,says yes we need to try and that's it.
Now I daren't even undress in front of him as I feel I'm trying to get his attention, this upsets him but I don't know what to do either xx

AmINeedy · 14/05/2015 16:50

I feel the same, now I'm scared myself at the thought of us attempting anything more for his sake than mine, it will feel manufactured and false if we try...it's such a dilemma and I'm shocked at how badly it makes me feel about myself.x

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/05/2015 16:59

Um, well you did well to get your feelings out there. I don't think its great that he's been making excuses - tired/full - rather than simply being honest. That would annoy me a bit.

Moving forward, I would just let him take the initiative for the next couple of months, - would you both be happy with him sorting you out without getting his cock out? I'd let him deal with his anxieties by himself and just be reassuring and light-hearted, plus get your Dsis to take the kids out a bit more ;)

(In my head, I would have a time-limit on this - a sex-life is important to me and I wouldn't be interested in the situation continuing in this way long term)

AlwaysAFool · 14/05/2015 17:17

I agree you should definitely put a time limit on seeing if there is any improvements, id give 3 months at most as that is a small amount of time but still 1/4 of a year And then you havent spent too much time committed to a rl.

I have sympathy for you both.

AlwaysAFool · 14/05/2015 17:21

AmiNeedy I can totally relate to how you are feeling.
Maybe you should start your own thread but have you thought about counselling for him or both of you?
Maybe an ultimatum is on the cards for him to take action?
Its not sustainable and is a relationship killer with time.

Duckdeamon · 14/05/2015 17:30

Others being in the house (especially if your sister's DC is young) is inhibiting, but as a PP has said, why didn't he just raise this?

It seems like sex has already been "off the table" for quite a while.

His ED, anxiety and insomnia could all suggest he might need to seek some help from the GP with his mental health.

ALaughAMinute · 14/05/2015 18:43

It sounds as if you said all the right things OP, so well done you!

If privacy is an issue then you will have to find time when you can be alone. It might also be a good idea to take the pressure off him by telling him that you just want to be intimate with him and don't necessarily want or need penetrative sex to feel satisfied.

Make him feel sexy again by telling him how much you fancy him, but most importantly take it slowly and keep talking.

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