Old time poster here but namechanged for sensitive post.
Long story to explain circumstances and not drip feed.
When I was 18 and a virgin, I worked as a chambermaid at a hotel. The hotel had an outbuilding which was staff accommodation - single rooms - for young staff, I lived in one. Then I left, and came back that weekend for a farewell party. I had arranged with management to stay in my old room but no longer had a key for the accommodation block. This no problem as I was going out with staff.
We went out and had a good night. Whilst out some of the staff met a friend of theirs, a bloke. He obviously fancied me and whilst I didn't really fancy him I was young and naive and flattered and I chatted to him. He lived very close to the staff accommodation so shared a taxi back with me and let's call her Emma, who was letting me into the staff accommodation. Emma was very very drunk and had always thought I was a bit too sensible. She had had a child at 17 who lived with her parents and was much more streetwise than me. Only when we got back to the staff accomm, Emma went in and slammed the door behind her and then collapsed against the inside, giggling but flatly refused to let me in. She knew the guy BTW. I had nowhere to go, no key, it was early hours of the morning in a very small seaside town. So the guy said I could come sleep on his sofa and I went home with him.
What I wasn't expecting was that he stayed in the living room. I never saw beyond his living room but he wouldn't leave me alone and I had nowhere to go. I told him I was not intending to sleep with him and was a virgun. He said if I used tampons I wasn't a virgin. He told me he was infertile so it'd be ok (!) but I still refused. It was indescribably awful, I could hear a parent in the room above coughing their guts up and I just wanted to sleep. It was very late and he was just all over me, undid my shirt, my tits were covered in love bites the next day. I was very tired and a bit drunk and I can only assume that I fell asleep as the next thing I knew I felt him penetrating me. I still don't know what with, penis or fingers as I wasn't really with it at all. I literally jumped up and told him no and that if he carried on he would be raping me, at which point he did finally stop but stayed in the bloody room. I curled up face down on the floor and dozed until first light, when I let myself out and made my way back to the staff accommodation to wait for the early shift people to come out.
I used to think I was raped, but then I thought that was being overly dramatic so I stopped thinking it. But I do still wonder. I was sexually assaulted for sure, but did that penetration - even though it was only a few seconds and even though I don't know what he use - does that really count? Can you be 'a little bit' raped?
I am much older and wiser now and happily married and have put this episode to bed, but it just plays on my mind sometimes. Did he rape me?