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Relationships

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Original poster

When do I introduce someone to the children

17 replies

whenforthebest · 13/05/2015 13:02

Been a single parent for most of my children's lives. EH and I split when DS was tiny. I went out with someone for 8 years and lived with him for 3 years, that broke up 5 years ago. Children are now 17 and 13.

Over this period I have seen people, but when they were little, after they were in bed.

And as they got older - I would wait until they were at their dad's.

So - I haven't been celibate, but I have never met anyone that I have felt strongly about. The last relationship broke up 6 months ago after 18 months (when I discovered I wasn't the only one he was seeing)

However, I have met someone, and this is different. I am really smitten, in a way I have not been for a very long time.
He is kind, makes me laugh, rocks my world in the bedroom. And I can really see me being with him for a long long time. This is the first person I have wanted to introduce to both my parents and my kids.

However - it's a VERY new relationship, and I want to take it slow, so although my heart is wanting to be with him a lot! My head is saying take it slow.
My kids know I have met someone, 13 yr old not terribly enamoured with the idea, 17 yr old is far more pragmatic.

I am going to his house at the moment, unless the kids are away.

Advice and guidance on how to proceed please :-)

OP posts:

Original poster

whenforthebest · 13/05/2015 13:52

bump

OP posts:

BifsWif · 13/05/2015 13:58

Have you discussed this with him? Is he happy to meet your children?

If your children are old enough to know you've met someone can you ask them if they'd like to meet him?

Original poster

whenforthebest · 13/05/2015 14:04

We have talked about meeting families, and are both of the opinion that this would be a step to take in the future, but are both wary of moving anything too quickly.

17 yr old is fine, and is really happy that I am happy. Is potentially worried that I will be hurt - I was broken at the end of last relationship - 5 yrs ago. 13 yr old is more circumspect, and doesn't really understand why I want to have someone special in my life at all.

OP posts:

BifsWif · 13/05/2015 15:57

Maybe it's not quite time yet if your 13 year old is struggling? Can you review it in a few months, maybe when they both see how happy you are and that everything is still going great they'll be more open and relaxed about meeting him.

addicted2cake · 13/05/2015 18:59

I posted a very similar thread a couple of weeks ago so am watching with interest your replies! I too have a 13 yr old! Hope you don't mind me gate crashing your thread?!

Original poster

whenforthebest · 13/05/2015 21:08

Gate crash away. Apparently we are the only 2 people on mumsnet who have ever had this experience

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 13/05/2015 21:12

I don't think anyone can give you an answer, because it's totally dependent on what your relationship is like and how your DC are.

I introduced my last partner to my son (who was then 13) after about 6 weeks, however it was an unusual circumstance and my son had specifically asked to meet him. It went fine and gave my son a chance to check that "he's not some dodgy geezer" in his words

Mumfun · 13/05/2015 21:16

I dont want to introduce someone unless I think they will be very long term. Havent introduced anyone to them. My own feeling was after about 9 months. BUt dont think any hard and fast rules. My kids are younger and could get attached and dont think it would be fair to them.

carrotcakequeen · 13/05/2015 21:27

How long have you been seeing him OP? I agree, may be best to wait a while judging by 13-year old's view. It sounds like you've always been careful and not like you're rushing in and being rash but it is so individual as to when the best time is. Just wondering how long you've been together and therefore how easy it is to judge whether would be seen as potential long-term by kids.

LadyBlaBlah · 13/05/2015 21:27

How long have you known him?

I did it after 6 months but in a neutral location, for a very short meeting.

My then 10 year old didn't want me to have a bf, but has been showed over time that bf is nothing to fear and his life wasn't going to change particularly (no new house, step siblings etc) he's very fond of him now.

I just think you've got to have had all the conversations, not inflict massive immediate change on them and be out of total head in clouds stage.

VelvetSpoon · 13/05/2015 21:36

My DC were similar ages, 13 and 16, when I introduced them to my bf last year. I'd been single for many years prior to that. We introduced them after about 4 months...we would have left it longer but there was an event we were all potentially attending the following month, so wanted to give the DC the chance to meet and be familiar with him beforehand.

It's worked pretty well. The first few times he was just here having coffee when they came in, said hi etc. After a few times we moved on to him coming round for dinner once a week, then twice, and so on.

Had the DCs not been keen to meet him, we would have waited longer - his DC are younger and their split fairly recent, so we waited 6-7 months before I met them, and another couple of months again before they met my DC.

PandorasToyBox · 13/05/2015 21:46

I really think that it is best not to do the formal intro thing and meet up for a walk with your dc's. Keep it light when you meet up for the first few times and go for active, such as a walk or paint balling/lazer quest/cycling etc. then build up to popping to pub after or a chill evening with film and nibbles. Children of all ages react better if things are kept informal and fun.

Mine met my dp before we had even kissed! We were just friends going out for a walk, after my dd who was 9 then (12 now), said 'mummy have you kissed him yet' I said 'no, we are just friends' (and we were) and she replied 'well I think you should'. He came over a couple of days later and well according to dd we haven't put each other down since that first kiss on my door step.

I then met his ds 2 days later when we went on a battle re-enactment day.

If it wasn't for dd I think we would have done things differently, but would have defiantly done introductions in an informal and chilled out way.

It was rather love at first kiss though, I remember my 2 dc peeking around the door giggling to each other and giving me the thumbs up.

StaceyAndTracey · 13/05/2015 21:52

I hope this doent sounds rude, because I don't mean it to be . But I think you want to arrange a meeting because of your needs ( you are smitten ) , rather than because of your sons needs

It doesn't sound like they are desperate to meet him ATM so why not wait ?

I truly hope this doesn't offend you, I have great respect for anyone who brings up kids for 10 years on their own, and I can see that you have put them first for all of this time and your own needs second .

Shitforbricks · 13/05/2015 22:27

I was in the same situation as you and waited 6 months to introduce my children to my DP, the youngest was just 12 at the time.

I wanted to see where the relationship was goin with us before I introduced them, I was honest and open with them about a month into the relationship and they knew when I was going on dates and I think this helped because I included them in the arrangements but didn't force the issue with them to meet him.

Once I knew things were getting serious I spoke to them about them meeting and they were fine with it, we made it a very informal meeting and I can safely say years later they all have a great relationship.

Original poster

whenforthebest · 14/05/2015 07:59

Thanks all
Food for thought.

Staceyandtracey, not rude, but not accurate. I have no intention of making any introductions in the imminent future, but this is the first person I have thought that I would want to "at some point". Given I have managed 10 years of a sex life without it interfering with my kids and not wanted /needed to up to now introduce anyone - give me a little credit here!!

I shall continue with the way it is at the moment, not force anything but not doing anything rash either.
Fingers croused that he is a keeper, coz believe me, I have kissed a fair few frogs!

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 14/05/2015 08:52

Hello when

If I were you (and I have been you iykwim) then I would be happy to let this lovely honeymoon, cant-wait-to-see-you, rip your clothes off, every meeting is special phase last as long as possible - before kids and reality have to intrude

There's no rush

And it gives your DC chance to get used to the idea and realise that you're not going to disappear / change / make a massive upheaval in their life

wannabestressfree · 14/05/2015 08:57

I have three sons and waited a year after meeting my partner (we have been together five now). I dropped him into conversation and told them stories etc but didn't Rush them. I met his first (after about eight months). We still don't live together as he is RP also.
Basically we did what was right for us and the children.

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