How do communicate with your DH?

[Breakingspoint]

Firstly, please don't tell me to LTB - I love my husband and genuinely don't know what I'd do without him
He is kind, funny, thoughtful and very liked by everyone he meets.

I know he is very respected and successful at work but I feel like I get the worst of him. He acts differently with me - like as soon as he steps in the door he reverts back to being a kid and generally slobs around the house in the same clothes all week

I feel as though he's trying to force me into a 'mother' role - if we go round the supermarket together, he will ask me for things like crisps, chocolate etc... even though we both need to watch our weight (not lose any, but just be careful as we've both been huge before)

If he wanted crisps, I wouldn't care if he just bought them - he's a grown man - it's him asking me that gives me the rage: how is it suddenly my decision/responsibility? Literally feels like he's hanging on to the side of my trolley, looking up at me and asking me for cake - I hate it.

Likewise, I do most of the cooking, which I don't mind, but everything I make is usually from scratch and I try to make sure our meals are nutritionally balanced
He will always, always ask for something which is less healthy - again, he pays for half the food in the house, yet I have to remind him that most people don't need pork chops, vegetables, a jacket potato AND some bread and butter for their dinner.
But again - if he bloody wanted some, why can't he bloody get some? Why am I responsible for everything he eats?! I sometimes feel that he asks JUST SO he will hear me say what I always say - as if he needs someone else to take control of whether or not he eats something?

Anyway - back to my question!

We have had a lot of talks about the above: I have tried to make gentle, helpful comments or remind him when he's behaving this way, without losing my temper but he ignores me (intentionally or not - I can't tell) until I have enough and blow my top - I end up ranting about all the things he does that drive me nuts and feel awful for being a massive bitch-wife, because he is genuinely sorry and anxious when this happens

AIBU - are all men like this? He's my only long term relationship - is this inevitable?

Any tips on how I can communicate to him without completely crushing him that sometimes he behaves in a way that is damaging our relationship?

I just want to spend my evenings with the successful, charismatic man that everyone else gets to see all day

All men are not like this. He is an adult. Does he offer to "help" (that actual word) around the house? Does he look for praise about how well he did at school work each day?

I'd keep repeating the same phrase "we've talked about this, Im not your mother, do what you like"

He's obviously not listening to what your saying, you shouldn't have to keep having the same comversations so just repeat the same phrase until he gets the message.

He is wonderful round the house - does all the laundry independently (I am not involved in this at all) and does the dishwasher and majority of hoovering. It was made clear the day we moved in together that cleaning up after himself was not 'helping' me, but was in fact, just how it is.

I think due to the way he was raised, it was a bit of a surprise to him that he'd need to take charge on things if he wanted them done - but he has stepped up brilliantly.

I have to say: if I come home (we both commute) and he's tidied up, I have to fight the urge to thank him - this is 100% due to how I was raised: my father has never lifted a finger and gets a standing ovation for washing up his own coffee mug.

Anyway - he is honest and says it's attention seeking. He's way more people-oriented than me and looks for approval a lot, whereas I do my own thing and couldn't give a monkey's what people think.

I think maybe we live in each other's pockets a bit (for me - I need time alone and he hates time alone)

Will keep repeating though - 'you can do what you like' is usually my stock response: just need to try harder to keep saying it, rather than losing my temper

He was brought up by a strong woman, possibly a little too strong. I seek permission for minor stuff, sometimes just for the pleasure of having it granted. A combination of Catholic guilt, repression by denial and neediness. Not attractive I know.

I recognise the compulsive housework. Got bollocked for pan clattering last night during Eastenders. Apologised, then we molested each lightly, sorted.

You may have a point there Disgrace

MIL is lovely but of an era when the woman did everything - literally everything down to packing of suitcases for business trips and FIL, once retired, relied on her totally to tell him what to do with his days.

Is it always related to food? Because I would wonder if he has a slight food addiction going on there, and is using you as his "gatekeeper" to stop him indulging - but is doing it in a really annoying and childish way

Might be worth a discussion that if he is struggling with the urge to binge, asking you for support rather than "can I have some cake?" would be more appropriate!