STBXH Travel Plans

[StrongAsAnOx]

So....should the recently separated DH inform me of his whereabouts? For example, if he goes abroad should I be told? I'm thinking that if not, then perhaps I should change the 2nd emergency contact from him to someone else....

Feeling very very cross. He lives his own life and tells me nothing. Perhaps I should do the same.

Look, I understand you're pissed off with him. I have a tosser XH of my own!

But you need to move on from the stroppy responses about falling under a bus! If that happens, your grandparent contacts will travel to your home until he can be contacted / get home - and social services will step in until they arrive.

You need to focus on what you CAN change. Did the kids have a call with him every day when he was away when you were still married? Is it realistic to do that?

I'm sorry it is unsettling for them. But I think you should work out what they want and what is realistic. Then mail that to him. "the kids are unsettled, they would like a call on x days - what do you want to do?"
Then let him contact them directly, they're old enough. If they don't hear from him, be honest, don't cover for him. Let him tell them why he didn't call.

FWIW, my daughter (she's primary) and I don't speak on non contact days. I've told her when she's old enough for a phone, she can call whichever parent she wants, whenever.

If your kids need/want more contact with him than he is stepping up for, because they're are feeling worried and insecure, then I'm afraid talking them through that will fall to you.

But you won't solve their anxiety just by you having his diary.

How did you manage contact with him before?

As far as I can see he is under no obligation to tell you of his movements and you are under no obligation to tell him of yours. You clearly need to remove him as an emergency contact. The thing I find most surprising is that you have not done so already.

One of the only things I got my ex to do was to use a site (and app) called 2houses - which allows you to post up a standard schedule, plus any other important information like vaccination certificates. Any changes to the standard schedule have to be requested. Events such as invites to birthdays can be posted onto it. Children can also have access to it once they have their own email addresses (mine have done since they were about 7 with all mails copied into me automatically).

If something serious happens to you, everyone in your family will down sticks and travel the necessary hours. When one of my sisters had an accident I came back from France and one bro from the USA within hours of notification. The person who is notified of an issue doesn't need to be there physically, but needs to have access to all the necessary information.

My exh is certainly not on my personal contact info, he was one of the contacts for school, but not the only one - our school details have three, and you can add more as necessary.

Cabrinha he does contact them directly in that we have a 'daddy' ringtone so they pick up the land line when it is him but we live somewhere with no mobile reception so he can only text them during the school day. Contact when he was still living with us (until quite recently) was similar except that when he was away I usually answered the phone, passed him to the kids and chatted with him after he'd said goodnight to the children. NB We are still married but have started divorce proceedings as he is now cohabiting with his mistress (who is also still married).

Rags the separation is quite recent and I was not expecting him to be so uncommunicative or yes, perhaps I would have considered ways of addressing this before.

wallypops I really like the idea of 2houses as it means I can reduce my contact with him which I find stressful and unproductive.

Hi OP

I've just read your last post and can see that this is a recent thing for you and obviously a very stressful and painful situation. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with the fallout of your DH's cheating. I truly sympathise

But Cabrinha has it absolutely 100% spot on. I could have written exactly what she wrote.

You (perhaps understandably) want to be angry with your STBXH and see everything he does as wrong. But being away with work and occasionally out of contact does not make him irresponsible. He's working.

And, I know this is hard to swallow, I really do, but you are no longer entitled to know where he is.

I agree that he needs to stop flaking out on regular contact. But demanding to know his schedule 24/7 is, I'm afraid, completely unreasonable.

I also agree with Cabrinha about the kids being anxious / worried about him. Don't shoot me down in flames here...but are you 100% sure that you are not projecting your anxiety onto them about it. The way to deal with any lack of contact would be a breezy - "oh he's probably on a secure site - you know how it is. I'm sure he'll call when he can!" - because that is probably the case. He's probably working. He'll probably call when he can.

In my original post all I asked was whether it was reasonable to request that he tells me if/when he is travelling overseas or is out of contact. That is hardly the same as wanting to know his whereabouts 24/7. I've never asked that of him during our marriage and would not do so now. Please don't flame me for something I have not said.

I just need to know if he is available to call the children or available in an emergency situation or even if he is not going to be able to fulfil his regular contact arrangement. I can't see why that is unreasonable.

If you want to know when he's abroad then that is 24/7

I can promise you I'm not flaming you. That was absolutely not my intention. I have been where you are and as I said you truly have my sympathy.

But you will drive yourself insane overthinking this. If he is not in charge of the kids (and even when he is tbh) he is not obliged to tell you anything. I know that's hard to swallow. I know it stings. I know. But that's the bald truth.

You said "He lives his own life and tells me nothing. Perhaps I should do the same." He's perfectly entitled to do that. And yes, you should.

Sorry OP I truly don't want to upset you, in fact I'd like to give you an unMNy hug because I can feel your upset through the screen

^I just need to know if he is available to call the children or available in an emergency situation or even if he is not going to be able to fulfil his regular contact arrangement.

But these are two different things though. Seeing them as the same is causing the problem. If my stbxh didn't fulfil his contact arrangement it would be something for the solicitor whereas if he doesn't tell me whether he's in China or Belgium there's nothing I can do about it.
Maybe things need to be formalised so it causes you less worry.

That app sounds good wallypop I will have a look at it.

Look for solutions.
No mobile reception?
I'd be surprised if you didn't have broadband, if you don't - get it. He can use web based messaging with the kids in the evening, like WhatsApp.

You are not unreasonable to expect him to keep to contact arrangements. What have you done so far when he hasn't?

You are unreasonable to expect to know whether he's contactable in an emergency or not. How many times did you have to contact him in an emergency when married?

He's a lying cheating shit, I get that. I really do. But you don't need to know where he is.

You don't say how old your kids are other than secondary. I think they are an age though where you don't have fixed call times, or manage contact between access. They all need to find their own level, exactly as they were doing before. He's a damn fool if he doesn't take care to communicate, but you can't do anything about that, so you have to let it go.

"I need to know if he's available to call the children"

I would step right away from that mindset. You can't control it. That sounds like you want to tell him to call them. You can't. In that respect I think you are lucky that they are older. Honestly, you need to leave it to the kids and to him.
If they want to talk to him or vice versa, call him. Or WhatsApp him. You don't need to be involved in that.

Again, Cabrinha is absolutley right.

He's not going to know in advance is he, that he's got no mobile coverage. I find many hotels have no signal when I travel for business. But I never know till I get there. Expecting him to know that in advance is just going to happen.

I really do understand how hard it is to let these things go but you need to, for your mental health I think

Just as background, I've been separated frm my DH for 8 years and I have no idea where he is normally. Nor do I care. In fairness he never misses a beat with contact so I don't have that anxiety.

OP, big hug because I'm knocking you down a bit here, and I know how shit it is being cheated on, and setting new rules for living.

But I promise you this: one day, maybe in a year, hopefully less, you'll realise you don't give a flying fuck where he is. Not through anger. You'll just be bored of thinking about him, and his location will be irrelevant to you. One of your kids will say "Daddy's in Almaty, wow!" and you'll have to do the "that's nice dear" line, because you won't be able to muster up any interest at all.

Life gets easier, and better. Promise

Thanks all.
To answer some of your questions:

• Why have I put those three things together? Because if he is away then he is unable to fulfil his contact arrangements and I find out via the children at very short notice which throws my plans out.
• Contact arrangement unannounced changes - just sucked it up but told him it is out of order.

Our contact arrangements have been set up entirely by the children. They discussed it together and proposed it. So it is not something that has been set up with legal consultation.

• Yes we have broadband. I agree that other contact methods should be explored but I'm fed up with putting ideas to him without getting a response at all. I have had to contact him in an emergency during our marriage and failed to get hold of him which has caused a problem (I now know that he deliberately turned off his phone while with the OW).

We have an agreed calling time as he was ringing beyond bedtime and the youngest was getting tired. So I now get what you are all saying (although it seems wrong to me) that I don't need to know where he is. Personally I would never go away without telling my children and making myself available via phone or some other means so that if the children wanted to talk to me or for me to collect them then I could. They have asked me to be available to collect them at short notice during contact in case he tries to introduce the OW to them and they want out fast.

Sounds like there is a certain level of anxiety where the dc are concerned, about phone calls and being in contact.

Your cheating dickwad aresewipe of a STBX needs to get a grip with arranging plus actual contact times. The rest you need to step away from, so that the dc aren't worrying about it.

If you relax about it all then so will they.

And soon your friends/alternative contacts will become your actual world, and he will not, and life wil be a better place.

Thank you to you all. Yes, some of what you have said is unpalatable but I do know you are giving me well intended and good advice. I shall re-read all of this over the next few days, absorb and try and find ways to truly take it on board. In making the transition from co-parenting as married partners to co-parenting as separated individuals, perhaps I have made a fundamental false assumption. I thought that co-parenting meant that we still both shared goals and agreements about how to manage our children and their lives. I thought it meant that we showed respect to each other as parents. I'm gutted to hear that what you all describe is so far away from that vision. It has been extremely tough to accept that my life long partner is someone I now find hard to respect. That disappointment was massive. Now is seems that I have to expect constant future disappointment in his parenting choices.

I do leave the kids to liaise with him. But the children have very busy lives and both of us support them in their extra-curricular lives which means that I too have to liaise with him and see him. Yes it is still very raw. I'm sure you are all correct in saying that I shall cease to care a jot for him, though to turn off consideration and love like a tap is an alien concept to me. He is after all still their father, even if he has been a shitty hurtful husband. I know of other divorced couples who manage to co-parent beautifully and seamlessly, turning up at events as a pair of united parents. Perhaps I am naive in that I had hoped we could also achieve this.

Just to add a word of warning. I know its unimaginable at the moment but when you set up your visits and access arrangements you need to imagine yourself with a partner. I was solo with the kids for 6 years but having a DP (with kids) does add complications so try to avoid complicated one night here one night there and every other pink Tuesday and blue Thursday at the others iygwim.

You need to set up weekends when you are NOT available to anyone. When he has to do it all. Honestly being divorced was better than being married because at least I got every other weekend off.

Set up a planning agreed by you and the kids and tell him that's how it is. You are no longer the fallback position,the time you have off is to start your own life.

Right, ive tried to set up 2houses but irnwont ket me add the ex or out his email in, does anyone know what im doing wrong.. ?

wallypops idyllic future as that presents there are a couple of things to consider:

1. My STBXH cohabits with a woman who my children refuse to meet. They therefore cannot spend a whole weekend staying with him as she is there and, having left her husband and children, has nowhere to go.

2. My kids are so raw that the thought of imposing another adult into their lives is hard to contemplate. On top of that, having spent all my life with one man who I trusted, I'm not sure I could contemplate a relationship with anyone else. I also genuinely married for life. You may be right and things may change, but this is hard to envisage.

Damn I wrote out a long post about how things can work out well and it's not posted. Suffice to say it's all so so raw and painful for you and the DC now but it will work out. It will. Promise

And I know how unimaginable that is now. I really do.

BitOutOfPractice - thank you. Your short and kind post was quite sufficient to make me smile.

Good. You are doing better than you think. Just concentrate on you and the dc and let the STBXArsehole plough his own furrow. You need not concern yourself with him too much

for all you lovely s out there holding my hand. Thank goodness for sane women. [brick]

2houses normally has very good support for questions. They've even called me a few times.